Am I being over sensitive or DH being vile?

[iwillbepositive]

DH and I have been having problems for a while (ttc second child which is causing stress plus lots of other angst) but lately we have managed to regain some of our old affection for each other. PIL were staying this weekend - haven't seen them since Xmas when we had an appalling row and DC and I moved to a hotel. DH stayed with them then and as far as I can tell bitched about me, so it has taken a long time for me not to feel betrayed.

I told him in advance that I would need him to be demonstrably loving and kind whilst they were around this weekend. As it happens he was cold, stroppy, aggressive and seemed hell bent on giving the impression that we are having problems. It was embarrassing and hurtful. I feel betrayed again and can't stand the switching on and off of affection that he seems to indulge in.

I think part of the problem is that he craves parental approval (they were obviously disappointed with him throughout most of his adolescence - he denies it but I witnessed their contempt). Now that they have all but admitted that don't like me, I think he feels it will ingratiate them if he is cold too.

Either that or I was being madly oversensitive all weekend.

Any views?!

Wow, that is rough.

My advice is not to conceive another child with this man. Not until this situation is fixed, anyway. He's not going to suddenly get nicer when you are even more vulnerable.

That sounds so awful for you. You are married so you have to come before his parents. You really need to be honest and have a serious talk. And stop any TTC for a while. Good luck.

It's so hard to keep face when you have visitors so my advice is to stop doing it next time they're around. DH sounds like a man who wants to feel like the boss for their benefit, which is exhausting. Just let his comments and behaviour roll off and do your own thing with DC. Then when he's all smiles again tell him why you feel he's hurt you. Second guessing the person you are meant to be closest to is just so tiring and demoralising. I'm in sympathy

Vile. But his parents have obviously completely messed with his head. Every sympathy to you.

TootyFrooty has my vote

he is being completely vile, I feel so sorry for you. Are you able to have a rational discussion about the reasons behind this or is he jsut totally defensive ?

tbh, i think i would contact a professional for some couple counselling if you are not able to resolve this easily between you. It sounds as though the hurt is very deep and it is not too late to save your relationship now - but if this carries on, it may well be in a year or two..

good luck

Thanks everyone - it helps to have a different perspective. I think Dh's behaviour has been messing with my head tbh. I'm not sure anymore whether I AM over emotional and angry, as he would maintain. I feel as if I am a human being with failings (short tempered when tired, a bit stressed by all the things that have gone wrong over the past couple of years) but one who basically cares about him and wants him to be happy. The love is pretty constant I think. But with him it seems to chop and change - intimacy is withdrawn on a regular basis. When he is being 'normal' things are lovely. I had wondered whether he was depressed (maybe that's just an excuse for bad behaviour) but I had also wondered whether I am and I am impossible to live with.

The problem is he comes across as a very placid, genial bloke and without wishing to make him sound like a psycho, he isn't like that most of the time with me. I come across as confident and assertive but feel more and more powerless in private.

Maybe couple counselling is the answer. I had hoped to avoid it as it seems another thing to stress about when life was getting back on track....

Is it possible that he wasn't being cold and stroppy on purpose, but was tense about his parents' visit - especially as it's the first since the big row?

What happened during the row, if you don't mind my asking? What was it about? How do you know he "bitched" about you?

Presumably he's not a terrible person - you say that you have been starting to regain your old affection for each other - so isn't it more likely that, at least as far as he's concerned, there's another basis for his behaviour this weekend rather than him being vile for the sake of it.

It sounds a very very difficult situation. Almost certainly your DH sounds like piggy-in-the-middle, with split loyalties. There is some of this in my relationship with my ILs, and sometimes it brings DP and I together as a team, sometimes it nearly drives us apart completely.

Were you on impeccably best relaxed and welcoming behaviour over the w/e? Taking responsibility for your approach - or making it dependent on DH's behviour towards you? IME It only takes something tiny to set a whole disastrous collapse of good relations in these circumstances, and I know my resentment and irritation has sometimes been the cause of undermining DPs resolve to 'keep it nice'. Are you sure he bitched about you?

If you know yourself to be innocent and in the right about all this, then i think counselling would be really helpful. WE tried it - DP only lasted 2 sessions - but even that was very helpful!

He is vile but I Blame The Parents. I would insist that they stay in a hotel next time. Say you are prepared to be hospitable to them during the day but clearly when they are around 24/7 he cannot control himself.

Just having guests during the day means you can de-brief/relax in the evenings, if there are issues which arise during the day.

Counselling is also really helpful.

Blu,
I was trying to be welcoming this w/e (made an effort to cook something nice for them when they arrived late on Fri etc) but I prob wasn't very relaxed. I think you are right that I was probably making the success of the weekend dependent on DH's behaviour - and was therefore doomed to failure. Xmas was such a disaster - we had been exhausted from moving/renovation hassles, depressed from ttc and I really needed to stay at home. Instead (because MIL makes such a bloody fuss every year, sobbing, guilt trips etc) we trekked 400 miles with tired child and arrived late. I put DC to bed and arrived downstairs to hear FIL launching into a racist joke...had a row with DH late that night and objected to being bullied into more travelling the following day. PIL are the sort of people who don't pick up on social cues - they just persist with a plan/advice etc even if you make it increasingly obvious you don't agree.

I really was exhausted (our 3 year old is not a good sleeper, partic when away from home). The row escalated, I said I was going home (which I regret) and MIL launched into a tirade of abuse - made it absolutely clear what she thinks of me. Dh admitted later that he had told them I was a very difficult and angry person to live with and we had been having problems for months. I can guess what their response was....

Lazyemma - no he is basically a good bloke. I think the situation is hard for him, but he makes it so much worse than it needs to be.

Smallwc - how did your dh respond to this approach? Are things any better?

he is vile, sorry

He is a vile man to treat you like this.
I think you have to make it plain that his parents are no longer welcome in your home, and he needs to buck up his ideas too unless he wants to go live in a bedsit all by himself.

SWC - part of the problem is that his mother is very subtle about her rudeness (not that subtle actually, but very passive aggressive and manipulative which DH just doesn't spot). He views her more blatant unpleasantness at xmas as a reasonable response - I was attempting to take her granddaughter away and she had been looking forward to spending xmas with her. He admits she has emotional problems but thinks that the DIL/MIL relationship will always be a difficult one and she is therefore not to blame. He really doesn't seem to get the point that as his wife I need his loyalty full stop. As a result I feel more vulnerable and touchy whenever we see them/he speaks to them.

Keeping calm is prob the key here. In fact, if I indulge in manipulation/cooolness/passive aggression it seems to jolt him into better behaviour. But that approach is not my natural one (I am prob too direct for my own good) and anyway life's too short to play games.

Thanks SWC. I will try to be calm but firm! I find the firmness difficult because I sometimes feel as if I am overstating the situation and its problems. His coldness is also quite subtle and whilst I am pretty sure he is being unfair I have lost confidence over recent months....

I think your DH needs to work out where his loyalty's lie, and as his wife and mother of his children they should be with you.

Are you sure we are not married to the same man?!

Just to say huge sympathise - the Christmas thing sounds really awful.

I wonder if DH csan be persuaded that in order to relieve himself of what he must experience as an uncomfortable position, HE could start being more pro-active about arrangements tc. You see, i think he was responsible for some of the Xmas debacle - he should have made the case about further travelling etc, and said 'let's do this - we think this would suit u', instead of putting you in the front line.

He could now make an arrangement for Xmas that suits everyone - take up the reins, as it were. Or invite your ILs but arrange for them to stay in a hotel and eat wth you - or make an arrangement to vist them At Your Convenience over Xmas. But the trick 9if it might work) is for him to get in first rather than be reactive or appear to be saying 'no' to MILS Plans Of Doom. Because being the one in the position of saying 'no' to someone else's suggestion outs you in the wrong automatically.

Thanks, Blu. I know what you mean about being proactive and I also feel he needs to take some responsibility for xmas. The thing was that on the train down (with dd tired and ill) he was insistent that we would stay put at his parents and people could come to see us - fairly militant about it in fact. Then when I was putting dc to bed, he was chatting to his parents. Suddenly that evening he announced that had had been talking to his mother and he couldn't jeopardise his relationship with his brother by not visiting him the next day. Absurd as his brother isn't far, has no kids and could easily have dropped by (but couldn't be arsed - he and his new wife had obviously had a very relaxed morning when we arrived at lunchtime). So obviously there had been some classic MIL manipulation going on - drama queen stuff is her speciality. So, in short, I think you are right, but his mother has such power over him that all his best intentions go astray.

SWC - calm but firm fell by the wayside in a big way, I'm afraid. His response to my calmish analysis of the weekend was so unpleasant (sneery and dismissive) that I started to shout and things went from bad to worse. I know you say that you are finally getting through to your h, but was there ever a time when you thought you just couldn't be bothered. Surely it shouldn't be this hard?