Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I going mad

24 replies

Faa27 · 10/11/2018 21:05

So I’ve been married for 12 years with my college sweetheart. We have 2 girls, 3 and a half and 14 months. Our relationship has been going downhill for a while; I’m lonely, very tired and maybe depressed (prob not though). I used to be good looking, fun etc and now I’m a zombie. A fat zombie.
Dh works 12 hrs per day and comes back home after 10 every night. Also works weekends sometimes (he is massive workaholic).
I work 35 hrs a week and after I finish work, I pick up the girls from childminder, cook, bath, bedtime, etc. Clean, laundry etc and go to bed. I feel I never talk to adults as my job as a translator is lonely too.somwtimes I catch myself almost taking to myself out loud. My parents come over occasionally but that’s all for adult interaction. Anyway, my youngest doesn’t sleep though and still breastfeeds so I’m up at least 2 or 3 times every night, and I’m up at 5:30 every day. Dh doesn’t want to hear that I’m tired, as he is tired too and doesn’t want to hear bad news. He thinks I complain too much, calls me lazy, bad parent, bad looking, over weight etc. Fair enough sometimes I don’t find time to look after myself. We have a cleaner and therefore he thinks I’m spoiled. He thinks that all the bad habits the girls have are my fault as I’m the one with them most of the time.
The girls love him to bits. My youngest is in love with him... he is a good loving father but prob doesn’t love me anymore. He makes me feel horrible quite often. Always calls me a liar, lazy etc. He always says that many mothers do this, how can I not manage?!
So many times I just want us to stop fighting so end up accepting the blame for things. I’m exhausted. I have had a full night sleep in 3.5 years. My days are long, early start, work, and by the time the girls are sleeping I’m dead. I don’t have many friends as I don’t have time to meet anyone. But I feel super lonely.
Do i sound mad???
Sorry if this post is too long doesn’t make sense! I guess I need a good moan...

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 10/11/2018 21:12

Isn't there anyone who can give you a hand? Dp's or ILs? Otherwise you'll just have to grit your teeth and wait for the DC to get a bit older, then you can have a bit of time to work on yourself. Tbh, you've taken on enough to break a lot of women, especially with working 35 hours per as well!

Faa27 · 10/11/2018 21:21

Thanks Singlenotsingle for reading this. My MIL also thinks I’m lazy as she is the one who raised 4 boys when dad was always away w work. My parents still work...
But yes, I guess I should hang in there. Just feel a bit lonely tbh - would love to have company sometimes. Arg

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 10/11/2018 21:27

Do you ever go out and leave him to parent his children?

Faa27 · 10/11/2018 21:30

No, never. He says he can’t do it as dd is still breastfeeding. He is tonight with his mates...

OP posts:
Faa27 · 10/11/2018 21:32

I meant outtonight

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 10/11/2018 21:34

I can't see him lasting much longer! Abusive, unhelpful, cold and uncaring. Angry

bigchris · 10/11/2018 21:34

Erm am I reading something different to the first response ?

He calls you fat and lazy???

Leave op, he doesnt help, he's enhancing nothing to your life

TooTrueToBeGood · 10/11/2018 21:35

This isn't a marriage. You're his broodmare, wet nurse and housekeeper, not his partner.

Redskyandrainbows67 · 10/11/2018 21:36

Flowers you could be me at parts of your story

Sally2791 · 10/11/2018 21:36

You are doing far too much and he is being vile. Sit him down and have a serious conversation -you need more help from him or paid for and he stops being rude and abusive. Otherwise he may find being a single parent isn't much fun

Redskyandrainbows67 · 10/11/2018 21:37

He needs to pull his weight and respect you more
You can leave 14 month old during day - you need to plan a day off every weekend or at least a morning

Redskyandrainbows67 · 10/11/2018 21:38

Or just leave him

Faa27 · 10/11/2018 21:41

Thanks girls. It’s so nice to hear supportive words. Yes he calls me far, lazy, and on angry moments has called me repulsive, disgusting etc. The thing is he really believes on everything he says and somehow ends up convincing me.

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 10/11/2018 21:44

He's awful and I can't see how your life or workload would be any worse if you left him.

Holdingonbarely · 10/11/2018 21:45

Well it’s not true.
You do know that don’t you.
Just leave him with them, can you express.
I mean you really need a break

Faa27 · 10/11/2018 21:45

I’m considering leaving him. I think about it all the time. Life will be hard, but it’s hard already. I’m alone with the girls already.
In that sense not much will change... I just don’t want my sweet girls to grow up and expect man to treat them like this :-(

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 10/11/2018 21:48

The thing is he really believes on everything he says

Which means he'll almost certainly never change. As hard and as extreme as it may seem, the PPs advising you to LTB are giving you the only advice that offers you any chance of happiness.

Singlenotsingle · 10/11/2018 21:51

How on earth can you live with someone who calls you repulsive and disgusting? What's the point even trying?

Faa27 · 10/11/2018 21:51

TooTrueToBeGood You are prob right... thanks for reading and commenting

OP posts:
Deadringer · 10/11/2018 21:55

He sounds awful op, he would be out on his arse if it was me. Would it be possible for you to do fewer hours at work so you have more time for yourself, that's if you want to of course. As for him being a good loving parent, when does he even see them?

Yewnicorn · 10/11/2018 21:56

Right.
So you work full time, have two very very young children, with an unsupportive partner, a house to run and minimal ‘you’ time.
Are you going mad? No, you’re doing this literally all on your own! You’re a tough cookie, life is a slog at the moment. But it doesn’t have to stay that way.
I know you don’t think it, (because of him), but you deserve more than what your partner is willing to give. It’s not my place to say any more regarding your relationship but from what you’ve said, he treats you badly and that’s wrong, considering you eat, sleep and breathe your family and want it to work.
The kids are young at the moment, they won’t be for much longer. It does actually become more fun than relentless soon ⭐️ Hang in there.
Do you enjoy your job? Is there anything to aim for and focus on?

CallMeRachel · 10/11/2018 22:08

Marriage problems aside, isn't the first thing to tackle the breastfeeding of a toddler 2/3 times a night?
You work full time. Something has to give.

You have done your bit, her waking up hungry every night can't be good for her either. Once you're getting better sleeps you'll feel much more in control of things generally.

Husband wise, why is he not home til 10pm every night as well as working weekends?? Are you seeing his payslips?? Do they show overtime? Ultimately, he has to know that he's being massively unfair and unless you're both in financial strife there's no way that should continue.

He can't just be there for the best bits.

Faa27 · 10/11/2018 22:09

Hi Yewnicorn. Thank you for your thoughts...
I do love my job and it feels like a treat to work - a real break!

OP posts:
springydaff · 10/11/2018 22:32

Have a look at the Freedom Programme. Ideally it's better for you to do this course in person rather than online. Could you get some time off to do it?

I'm referring you to the Freedom Programme because you are in an abusive relationship.

Do contact your local Womens Aid for advice about how to leave him when the time comes. It's good to have a strategy and they will help you to draw up a good plan.

Also read LUndy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That?. YOu will recognise a lot there. It's so bad for your daughters to be part of a relationship like this - and they are part of it if they live in the same home. You may think you keep arguments etc away from them but, be assured, they know exactly what is going on. It is so damaging for them.

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. You won't be the only one in a situation like this, sadly. Many of us got free from hideous relationships like this and flourished Flowers

New posts on this thread. Refresh page