Please will someone reassure me I’ve made the right decision?

[Didsomeonesaybunny]

ExP have had a very fractious relationship post-split. Our DD is 5 weeks old and he’s yet to meet her. His behaviour and actions have been abhorrent hence my decision to keep him at arms length and not take him back.

Throughout my pregnancy I was keen for him to involve his family but he refused, none of his family know about the baby (they all live in the US so an easy secret to maintain really). This has really upset me as he has a very lovely family.

His niece is over from the US on a trip and he asked if he could meet the baby and introduce her to his niece but the caveat being I’d need to see him first for brunch. Last time this happened I ended up taking him back and he hurt me badly. Whilst I do want my DD to meet her family I am far too vulnerable right now to see my ex, plus, I have been dating someone and I just don’t think it would be fair. I therefore said no but I’m sat in my flat agonising over whether I’ve made the right decision and am worried that I’m being selfish putting my own feelings before the needs of my DD.

I prefer us being amicable but he’s sending me bloody limericks and telling me he loves me, it’s messing with my head. I have however told him he is welcome to meet his DD but not with his niece as it’s all too weird.

Please tell me I’m not a selfish bitch?

Congratulations on your little one, You are not a selfish bitch, i wish i had your strength. No words of wisedom but i didnt want to read & run

OK time to get the big girl pants on. You're a mother now and your child is relying on you. No more decisions just for you.

1. Ignore his stupid limericks and nonsense. Only engage WRT DD. Nothing else.

1. If he is safe and not abusive to her, she has the right to see him. If you have a safe family member to facilitate this, don't see him. Just have your family member be there while he has contact. Safe for her, no contact for you.

1. Dating when your DD is 5 weeks old sounds like a total car crash. Now I have actually seen a relationship like this work out. But think really carefully about what you are choosing and why.

1. Just don't take him back. Ever. For any reason. Never. He's an arsehole and you know it.

Definitely not a selfish bitch.

Thanks for the reassurance posters. I was dating this same guy throughout my pregnancy, we split up for a little while as I wanted to give things a go with my ex but he left again. Miraculously he said he wanted to give things another go with me. I’m taking things relatively slow though as I don’t want to hurt him again.

Regard my ex you’re right @mrs - I’m just being silly and foolishly romantic about the whole thing. The worse thing is he has a brand new girlfriend who seems lovely and yet he is still texting me this bullshit, I don’t think he will ever learn (he left me for someone else).

I feel bad for even doubting myself, I’m looking at my beautiful daughter and know I’ve done the right thing. I am keen for her to meet her father but none of my family live here, I could potentially have my partner act as the intermediary but that could be contentious sobin going to have to facilitate it I think, plus I’m not comfortable just handing her over to him at the moment plus I’m breastfeeding. Maybe a coffee shop or something.

Coffee shop with your new partner lurking somewhere?

I don’t think you’re being selfish at all.

I agree your daughter has the right to meet her family but so far he hasn’t been that interested! He hasn’t even told his family about her yet the second one of them arrives he wants to play the proud doting dad?

Nah. I’d be telling him you’re more than happy to arrange the relative and him to see her but you’ll be meeting them both at the same time. I’d also be sure to include “it’s nice she can finally meet you both “ whilst introducing her to them both

He doesn’t get to choose when he can play dad!

@mrs - that’s a good idea and would probably give my partner some reassurance actually.

@kenny - yes I feel that way too. I also think it’s weird that his believe would meet our daughter before he even tells his children they have a half sister.

I’ll see if my partner can make it tomorrow and will try and arrange something I think. I don’t want him saying I’m denying him access (as he would use this against me with the CMS I think!)

Child maintenance isn't dependent on contact.

But if he was inclined to go to court for contact, you denying it wouldn't be great. My sense is that he will probably lose interest quickly

Good luck. And channel Boudecia or Nefertiti. Be a warrior. You just created a new human from your own body! You're strong and awesome and he's not worth it. 👊

@mrs - when I told him no to taking him back he started to threaten me, saying he’d get parental responsibility so that I would need his agreement on all decisions I make wrt my DD. He also said that if I denied him access he would refuse to pay maintenance as my denial would be unreasonable. Until this weekend he hasn’t suggested meeting her, his concern has only been to get me back because things between him and his new girlfriend are turning sour.

He sounds like a really nasty piece of work. Which is why you should have a word with yourself about why you have gone back to him before. He is using your DD, your tiny baby DD to try to manipulate you. What a wanker.

@mrs - I’m in therapy, I have definite issues with my boundaries that’s for sure. I’ve been in this cycle of abuse for the last 6 years. I don’t even know that HE knows he’s an abuser, he’s so unself aware it’s unreal.

It’s strange, I thought I’d be even more vulnerable post birth but I’m I feel stronger than I’ve ever felt, it’s like she has given me renewed strength and I can honestly say I’m the happiest I’ve been in 6 years.

Don't let him have you baby alone. Let him do all the running. Go to CMS, don't let him take the piss, he helped make the baby.

I’d just add here that he sounds abusive. I would breastfeed as long as possible so the baby is exposed to his behaviour for more than a few hours

I will definitely not be letting him have the baby alone - I’ve been very clear on that point. I didn’t actually see him yesterday as he was busy.

I received a panicked call from him earlier, he alleges he’s had a mental breakdown which is his excuse for his appalling behaviour. He thinks he’s about to lose his job which is no doubt why he’s sniffing around me again. He then threatened me by telling me that if I didn’t take him back he’d go back to the OW that he originally left me for (thinking I’d despair at that which I didn’t btw) and I simply retorted that having her back is my sweet revenge because she’s a vile pig just like him. They both have partners of their own and I realise now just how fucked up they are. They are the worst kind of people in society and I’m well rid.

I wished them well and got on with my day, hopefully that’ll be the end of him for a while.

Thanks for the advice!

Amazing bunny !! Well done you for standing firm and showing him he means nothing to you anymore. The best revenge for sure is to not give a shit about him either way.

Thanks @raging - He suggested meeting up tonight to have a sensible conversation but I’ve told him no because it won’t be productive. He can’t stand me being happy or with anyone else, he’s the same with the OW but thankfully as between the two I am the stronger.

Going to celebrate my strength with a gin and tonic I think!

Well done for not being drawn back in! Enjoy your

Good work, bunny :) Stay strong and enjoy the future with your little one.