How can I support a friend with a cheating husband?

[spiderplantsalad]

Just that really. She found out last night, and poor timing means he's abroad with a sick family member and a poor internet connection at the moment, no idea when he's returning. Obviously she's in shock just now and doesn't know what she wants to do.

OW has photos of the happy couple all over FB - including her profile pic. She lives near my friend's elderly mother, and apparently does know that he's a lying cheating despicable scumbag married. Friend says she's 15 years younger and that the husband wants children with her.

She's coming over tomorrow. How on earth can I help her?

Practical advice only - she may forgive him but won't forgive you if you slate him too much.

Let her go over and over and over it. Feed her, take her kids off her hands so she can sort things/fall apart.

I think falling apart is more likely :( She can't afford a place by herself. No kids, one of the reasons she's so devastated.

Good advice, Santa - when I spoke to her this morning I think she was trying to talk herself into letting it go. I could happily kick him right now.

Should I suggest getting checked for stds? She already has a lot of health problems. Or should I just listen and keep the tea coming?

Std check and take her half out the joint accounts. Secure any paperwork she might need later. Proof of his earnings or pension etc. Happened to me and the bleakest bit was the first 12 weeks. By about 6 months some normality was back.

Don't slate him. Just focus on her. Get her to look after herself - new clothes and haircut. Get her to chat about stuff she;s always wanted to do and not done, then book some of those things to do with her. Take her DC for a sleepover so she can have a good wallow or rage in peace without disturbing them. Tell her she's gorgeous and amazing.

Thanks pogmella, I'm so sorry you had to go through this as well.

I agree with the advice to listen to her and ask her what you can do to help in practical terms. Friends can sometimes take very strident positions in this kind of situation. While they may have your best interests at heart, it’s not necessarily helpful if they try to push their opinions on you too much.

Sorry - just read that she doesn't have children. That's a blessing. Does he know she knows?

Definitely tread carefully. My best friend has been utterly betrayed by her DH. Repeatedly. Each time she has shared everything with me, said it's over etc and then gives him another chance.

It's coming between us.

Yeah he confessed, including taking ow on holiday this summer. Fucker.

So far i haven't said too much, i hope, just listened and looked up flats. It really sounds like she wants to stay together, more for practical reasons so it's a good thing i asked here instead of wading in :(

My friend seems to be coming up with any reason to stay with him. I've said way too much and there's no way I want anything to do with him now.

Unfortunately I now feel like I've been put on to deal with this and it's driving a wedge between us

Coukd you suggest a hope for the best but plan for the worst sort of thing? Get her ducks in a row just in case but simultaneously look into Relate etc.

Yeah he confessed, including taking ow on holiday this summer. Fucker.

Wow, fucking hell that's cold.

I wouldn't be too sure that OW knows the full picture - my last LTR, my ex told me he was separated from his wife and just waiting for 2yrs to elapse before divorce. Turned out he was still living with, sleeping with, and fucking his "ex".

I think giving your friend the link to the Chump Lady website would be good. Because the last thing she should do is lose her dignity doing the "pick me dance".

One thing that might be worth reminding her is that if she decides to stay purely for practical/financial reasons, there is nothing stopping him from deciding to leave anyway, possibly for the OW. No matter how much he's begging forgiveness or whatever right now. So getting her ducks in a row would be a really good plan anyway. Increasing her earning potential would give her more security going forward, too.

Oh he's not begging forgiveness. He's been living with OW part time (friend thought he was staying with friends after nights out so as not to disturb her) and wants children with her apparently. As far as I can tell he simply wants to maintain both households and carry on.

I think I'm going to suggest those things to her although she's not receptive so far. Maybe when more dust has settled :(

It sounds almost as if she is th ebit on the side and the OW is his main partner. I pity her having children with him. He clearly has no respect for people who love and trust him.

I think I'd try and speak very plainly without actually criticisng him. Phrase it as:' in this sort of situation you will probably feel happier and stronger if you...' rather than 'LTB' or 'I'd find it hard to respect someone who has such little regard for my love and trust' rather than 'he's a toad'. Help her to see who he is without giving her the chance to get on the defensive. It mystifies me why women put up with such shit from men.

Me too - I'd hvae him out fast enough to bounce but it's a bit more complicated for her as I have more financial independence and better health. That's a good way to phrase it though.

Personally I’d ask her questions rather than making statements. If you make a judgement on him you could be seen as impeding her future relationship with him. If you instead ask her questions so she’s the one coming to those conclusions then all you’ve done is helped her clarify and verbalise her own feelings.