WWYD - Issues with Mum

[Harley182]

I just need to know if i am being over sensitive or what you would do in my situation.

I am unable to have children and its quite a sensitive subject for me. I am fine day to day with people having kids etc i do not have any issue with other people having thier happiness but certain situations set me in a depressive spiral. Eg. christmas, family events around christmas, mothers day etc. I find it hard to deal with these situations.

So my mum who completely means well but continues to invite me to these things with my neice, she seems to think that i should be channelling my mothering into her. Inviting me to proper family days etc. I get she is doing this out of niceness and out of love for my family i go but then i end up having a rubbish day. i see loving families and it just reminds me of what i dont have.

We have a good relationship other than this issue, we have had arguements previously and she said she is sick of walking on eggshells around it. (she really doesn't, she is quite blunt, pointing out cute baby clothes in shops, or another example she pointed out a woman with a massive bump when we were out for coffee one day.)

I have tried to explain how i feel but she doesn't understand and admits this. There is obviously more to this but this is the basics. WWYD in my situation?

I think the onus is on you perhaps to get some counselling/therapy to help you cope with your childlessness.
Have you told your Mum that you feel she is being insensitive?
In reality though you cannot avoid family occasions where there are children, it won't do you any good and may allienate you from family members.
Your feelings are very valid and completely understandable, but I feel from your post that you have not fully come to terms with the fact that you are unable to have children.
I suggest (very gently) that this is something that perhaps should be tackled first

Thanks for the reply hazelbite. I have had some counselling but I do agree I have not completely came to terms with it. It was only 2 years ago so still quite raw for me.

I'm fine with normal days out or dinners etc but I just find doing thing that are specifically geared towards 'families' hard to deal with.

I have had a lot happen the last 2 year's including a divorce on top of this so I'm just finding my way through everything!

Have you told your mother very plainly to stop mentioning all these baby/child things to you? You don't have to explain anything to her, just tell her this topic of conversation is off the table.

Hi aqua. Yes I have quite a few conversations with her including at one point me comforting her about me not being able to have children. She just doesn't seem to get it, I don't think she wants to upset me she just can't help it. I get nothing comes from a bad place she just wants to include me.

It can be really difficult and I totally understand your feelings. I used to cry after I had been at events with my nephew like birthday parties. It made me so sad.

I spent a couple of years having therapy to cope with being childless and this really helped. It’s not a cure all but made me less sensitive and able to come to terms with it.

My family got almost obsessive the other way - trying to worry about how I would react to anything when I was good at bottling it in. A low point was being mid-miscarriage during my nephew’s birthday party and people asking me about having kids. I managed the party but the next day when it was a family birthday celebration I struggled to be civilised. But I didn’t want to tell them andaffect the family weekend.

I just want to send you a hug and say I know exactly how you feel x

Thanks for the reply and hug Katie. I only had maybe 6 weeks of counselling sessions that was arranged through my work so maybe I should arrange some more.

I feel ok Other than the odd time where I have a bit of a melt down so I know I have a ways to go before I'm 100% ok with things.

If you are having coffee (unfamily related) and she starts pointing at pregnant women or such, gather your things and say ‘we have had this discussion before, I have asked you not to bring it up. As you can’t do that I am off. I will talk to you later’

Then leave.

It sounds like your mum is deliberately being a cunt. Personally I'd just stop talking and/or meeting up with her. Save your emotional energy for people who treat you like a human being.

Does sound like you have a ways to go - it took me a really long time to replan our lives without kids. DP and I worked hard and planned exciting things to do with our lives - had to think long and hard what we really wanted out of the next few decades. It actually helped to see it as a positive & be able to consider things we couldn’t have done before.

We then hit a massive stumbling block when we discovered I am actually expecting and it has taken me a very long time, therapy & reflection (and I am not there yet) to twist my mind back to having kids. I was really quite pissed off about it for a while as we had a lovely life planned out. I know that sounds completely ridiculous having gone through years of therapy to come to terms with not having them but I reckon it will take me almost as long to get used to the idea of having one especially as a much older mum with people being judgemental. If we hadn’t managed for 18 years of being together how was I to know it would randomly happen - when my period didn’t arrive I thought it was the menopause.

Sending you best wishes x

Thanks Aussie and Ford for your replies. Aussie I have done this on one occasion and she got in touch after 2 days apologising etc.

Katie, myself and exh split up due to everything that happened and his inability to have any sort of compassion. I can see how that would have spun you around getting to the point of accepting and then it happening. That is lovely that you have that now and congrats! Hope you are keeping well. In my case this won't happen, I have endometriosis and the treatment I have had makes it impossible. I think you will always have judgemental people no matter what the situation. I found it hard to deal with the oh when are you having kids question but I'm quite open and will usually just say I can't which then makes them awkward but that is not my issue I feel.

I don't know I know most of it is my issue but I'd rather not put myself in situations that will make me feel rubbish for days after.

I totally agree and think it is completely reasonable to avoid situations like that.

I can’t believe how insensitive your mum is being - that is just horrible🙁