Hideous row with ds2 before he went to his dad's. How UR was I - I know I was

[theduchessstill]

Perhaps this belongs here and not AIBU...

DS2 (9) goes to a dance and drama club 10.30 - 2pm on a Saturday. He's always had a love/hate relationship with it and moans regularly about going but does enjoy it and loves being in the termly shows they put on in a local theatre. He used to do just the dance bit in the afternoon, but as the rest of the group did the drama too he was a bit left out so he started that too; the teacher reported he was a lot more lively and involved since doing both.

As the dc have every other weekend with their dad it's always been a sore point. He lives locally so no bother to take him, but as ex often has gigs on a weekend he'll often take them to his mum's in another city, causing ds2 to miss the class. I think this has exacerbated his reluctance to go as he gets behind in things they are rehearsing and it's not such a solid routine. Both dc hate going to the other city and have told me and ex this many time. DS2 has told me he hates missing the class but I think he hates going because he gets more screen time when ex stays at home and he (ds2) knows I'll be more receptive to his complaints if he claims to not want to miss the class. I've offered to have the dc when ex has a gig (we used to do that anyway ) but he wants to deprive me of more time with them so takes them to his mum's despite them not wanting to go.

Today they are at ex's but his car has broken down so I was going to take ds2 to class and drop him off after. He flat-out refused to go and it developed into an argument, which I'm ashamed of. I said some nasty things about ex, which I so regret - we split 4.5 years ago following his infidelity and I've never been remotely critical of him, despite having so much ammunition over the years and the dc themselves moaning about him to me, and now I've blown it. Just stuff about him being lazy (he is) and ds2 being welcome to sit on a screen there for the entire weekend if that's what he wants (there's no gig this week) etc. Ds2 was crying and now I've dropped them off, so no chance to talk until tomorrow evening so I feel horrible.

I really want him to do the class - he's shy and it has brought him out of himself. Plus, and this is the reason I brought ex into it, he is obsessed with bloody Roblox and YouTube vidoes, and I know without the class the whole of Saturday will be a constant struggle to get him off. It's so hard to set up routines, because eow they go to ex's and do fuck all except sit on screens. I do blame ex for the whole thing as I feel if he had been more on board with it ds2 wouldn't be refusing to go. I honestly think he refused this morning because he knew at dad's he'd be straight on screen, and didn't want to miss out. I didn't let him on this morning and he has no ability to wait for things he wants.

I know I was UR to say what I said and upset ds, but AIUR to want him to go to the class? I think we'll have to leave it now for this term as he's missed so much, but would you try again after Christmas?

It sounds like he hates it but just doing it for your approval.

Does he have any friends to be with on weekends?

Do you know what he is actually interested in?

I really hope he's not doing it for my approval.

He has friends, but as we have only lived here a few years and I work full-time and have very little contact with other parents, it's hard to fix things up. He did play out a bit over the summer, but as the weather worsens I think that's not going to fill up much time.

He's certainly interested in dance and drama. It's going there he hates, not the activities themselves.

Can you call him and apologise for being quite so cross, and remind him how much you love him? Its human to be cross but sad you left each other like this.

Sounds like he does enjoy it when he's there but the pull of youtube etc is more alluring to a young boy.

A tough one for you as having an active, fun hobby beats staring at a screen any day. Add to the mix a vindictive ex, it's a bit of disaster.

Don't beat yourself up for losing it, these things happen. It's when it happens all the time it's a poisonous drip that really does affect children. Maybe, even though he was upset, he can see how much you're trying to make life fun for him and his Dad is not being very fair.

I would persist with Drama club, it is a great place for kids to release energy and give them confidence. You do what you do best.

One thing I promise, that when DS is older it will be you he is grateful to.

Chin up, you're a great Mummy.

Don’t beat yourself up too much, it sounds like a very stressful situation and you just reached the end of your tether and snapped. It happens.
I understand completely why you want your son to go to the drama class, it’s good for development - it’s easy for kids to say they don’t want to go but if you can get them there and they enjoy it that’s a positive thing.
So I understand your frustration - I went through similar getting one of mine to drama class at the weekends - something he had committed to doing and really enjoyed and I remember having a furious row with him about it one day when he was kicking up a fuss about going (after accepting the lead role in a production). I still remember it but he (now 18) has no recollection of it at all.
Sounds like you’re doing a good job under difficult circumstances - put it down to experience and try not to worry.

When he gets back tomorrow you can always apologise “I’m really sorry I shouldn’t have said those things I did but I was just tired and frustrated” - then move on.

Bright 9 year olds are as tricky as some teens by the way. Awkward age.

Actually, I don't think NEVER criticising unreasonable exes is the way to go. If you never criticise or always remain silent and never validate your child when the other parent is behaving badly then your child will not learn boundaries because they just see the adults accepting and enabling. My ex is a flaky alcoholic who manipulates all around him including family. In age appropriate terms I have discussed this with my children because if I don't they're are terribly hurt and confused by his behaviour. So I wouldn't feel bad about that aspect if I were you.

I agree with Carol.

Thank you for these kind replies. That resonates with me Carol as ex lives like a total slob. I don't mean a bit of a mess/not being houseproud, I mean near enough squalor. Stained stuff/dirty dishes everywhere/piles of dirty laundry. I don't think it's dangerous, but very unpleasant and I need a way to discuss it without being overly critical. I feel like they need to know it's not ok to live like that, and I feel it's a material reflection of his overall attitude to life, summed by CBA.

I think I may suggest changing contact so ds can go to the class without feeling he's losing time with ex, but also cutting that time a bit anyway. So currently he has them Thurs after school - Fri 7pm, and eow Sat am - Sun 6pm. I think I want to start EOW being that he keeps them Fri evening - Sat 2pm, meaning ds 1 would get one to one with exx and then Sun ds2 could go there 10 am - 2pm. This way we'd get some one-to-one and they wouldn't just be sat on screens. I actually feel like he struggles to deal with them both at once for longish stretches and this may help him be a bit more productive when he does have them. It also removes the gig thing, which happens a lot.

He won't like it though...

I feel like they need to know it's not ok to live like that, and I feel it's a material reflection of his overall attitude to life, summed by CBA.

It's absolutely fine to say that, in an age appropriate way. It really is. My ex sees our kids around four times a year, turning up with presents and money and making a big fuss yet doesn't give me child support for them. I've told my kids very matter of factly that he's supporting himself only but my money has to support three of us so I can't make grand gestures like that. They're not daft, they know this means he doesn't contribute. When he tells them he's off again for an extended holiday and they tell me, I say "well you know what, it's up to him if he wants to go away again. I'd rather us three were all here together like we are than away like that, being with you guys is the thing that makes me the happiest because you are LOVELY!". I tried the never saying a word and feigning interest when they told me stuff about him right up till my oldest had a screaming outburst in the car one day about how his Dad couldn't care less about him and I realised just how much he had been bottling up.