I have turned a corner - getting over ex with (probable) NPD

[Greenplums]

I'm not sure why I'm posting this (it's quite long) but I feel I want to put something in writing and offer hope to anyone else out there who is dealing with something similar.

A couple of months ago I ended a one-year relationship due to FINALLY having a light bulb moment about my ex's unacceptable behaviour and realising how deeply, deeply unhappy I was. I can't even begin to explain some of the things my ex did during the "relationship", but in the short space of one year I became a shell of myself. My self-worth was reduced to nothing and I felt anxious and on edge all the time.

It has only been in the cold light of day that I have realised that I was probably dealing with someone who has a severe personality disorder, most likely NPD (or at least NPD tendencies).

For the last two months, in trying to recover from this man, I have felt like I have been in deep shock (most likely PTSD) and have reached lows that I have never felt before. It has been very difficult because although I was able to write a list comprising 20+ points of why he was not good for me I missed him like crazy and felt utter heartache for the man that wasn't in my life anymore. A paradox.

Although I blocked him on all social media I made the mistake of not blocking him on WhatsApp and low and behold he got in contact after one month of no contact with texts of regret, apologies and declarations of love. I fell for it and got sucked back in. We texted for a few days and he said he wanted to meet up to chat. Then he suddenly stopped all contact again and this silent treatment went on for 3 days before I texted him to ask why he had suddenly stopped contact and he came back with a whole raft of reasons. I am SO GLAD this happened before we ever had the chance to meet up again as it was a stark reminder of the 3-day sulks that he used to go in instead of discussing any issues and his inability to conduct a relationship like a reasonable person.

This was a wake up call and I have now blocked him on absolutely everything. It is only since then that I feel I have really turned a corner. I actually feel sorry for him but he is NOT my problem anymore.

To anyone in a relationship with someone where they are getting a sense that all is not right, I just want to say: listen to your gut feeling. When I first started seeing this man my gut was actually telling me that all was not right. I suddenly started waking in the night for no apparent reason. I felt "on edge" when we were together, even though I craved being with him. There was a bit of a "dark force" about him (hard to explain) that I pushed to the back of my mind because I was in love with him and thought he was in love with me. PLEASE LISTEN TO YOUR GUT FEELING AND GET OUT WHILST YOU CAN.

The only way to recover and move on is to block that person on absolutely everything and go no contact. This will allow you to mourn and exorcise them from your life. I am glad to say that I am gradually picking up the pieces of my life and am starting to feel optimistic again.

HI,what you have posted could have come from my mouth,even down to the fact he is probably dealing with some form of mental illness(I’m thinking Npd too).But you should be so proud you have done it,I’m trying too it’s only early days for me and I’m so angry with myself for living like this for years.But we’re stronger than they will ever be,they are pathetic women hating shells ,it’s so inspiring reading posts like this to know I’m on the right path xxx

Wishing you the best with your recovery Atl377.

As I'm sure you're experiencing, there are good days and bad. On the bad days I look at that long, long list of negatives that I wrote and it keeps me moving forward.

Amazing, I have also blocked a very toxic ex after months of him coming in and out of my life. I had always kept the door ajar for him a bit - e.g blocking him on all social media but not whatsapp. He recently text me 'i miss you' and I finally blocked him on whatsapp after that. I realised somebody who lives 10 minutes from me and has ignored me for months hardly means they genuinely miss me at midnight on a Friday night. I was also at hospital at the time, which he had no clue about, so it felt even worse realising this guy I had cared for no much had no idea what I was up to and really hadn't cared until it suited him.

Well done. It is SO tough to open your eyes and actually listen to your gut, but it's the best decision I ever did.

Oh why are there so many horrible bastards.I have the copy of the Lundy book “why doesn’t he do that” and he stresses mental health is no excuse but the more I read about abusers they’re frequently labelled narcs/sociopaths or even psychos so which is it? I’m confused all abusers can’t be psychoti.My head is a mess,I can’t think straight.I know I’m doing the right thing and when I read all your stories I think you go girl but when it’s me I feel pathetic and weak,when will this fog clear xxx

I feel your pain. I’ve been there and mine actually got back in touch today. Just when you think you’re there ... bam ... same emotions all over again :(

Oh no Badger did you respond to him x

Well done for doing a complete block @thisusernameisrubbish
It is difficult to do this as it's closing the door and that is a big step. Don't forget to block his number from your contacts too. Yes, that must have been a light-bulb moment, when you were in hospital and it dawned on you that he was completely oblivious to it.

@Atl377 - you WILL start to feel better. There may be some steps forward and some steps back but just write that list of all the negative things that happened whilst you were together and why he is not good for you and keep on looking at it. There is a better, nicer, kinder man out there for you.

@BadgersBiggestFan - Sorry to hear that. Try to remember that it has made you feel like shit today but you will feel better. Are you prepared to completely block your ex so you can start to recover?

Longish phone call which tbf was just cemented the fact that I know he’s not a good person and that I don’t want to go back there. I’d already blocked him texting me and whatsapping me but he called me from a blocked number which slips through. Funny because I used to do that when he blocked me and wouldn’t speak to me for days on end!

I stupidly told him I’d moved jobs though and which town it was so I hope he doesn’t do anything silly

I left my ex-partner a month ago and have totally blocked him on every part of social media and whatsapp. I think he will be too guilty to get in touch ever again (he was having an affair), but to totally cut him dead from my life has been very satisfying. When we discussed the possibility of us splitting earlier in the summer, he said he would want to remain friends with me as he is with all of his exes (he isn't!..one of them lived around the corner from us and hates him!). He said it would devastate him if I cut off contact, but I think that was all BS.

He will have immersed himself with his OW now, but the guilt will play on his mind. That's enough for me. I would never want him back or to resume contact with him because putting the betrayal aside, the nail in the coffin for any future contact or civility, was his aggressiveness towards me and my teenage daughter when I confronted him about the affair. His parents do contact me as it is necessary due to the fact a lot of my belongings are in storage at the house we shared. I'm currently staying at my friend's house and my DD is at her dad's (my ex-husband, we have a very amicable relationship), but we move into our new house in December. I keep having horrible dreams with ex-partner in them and flashbacks about things, but I know damn well that I am 100% in a better position emotionally now. We were together for 9 years and I thought I knew him through and through but he turned into a person I no longer recognise. When I move I have told his parents they are not to give him my address, I'll also be phasing them out of my life as they are the last links to him. I know that sounds quite harsh, but I have a life to be getting on with and all remnants associated to him need to go.

@pinkmonkeybird - Massive well done for doing what you've done. It must be so painful and difficult right now but I am sure you will look back in the months to come when you are feeling much happier and realise you've had a lucky escape. Just think of the poor woman he's with now. He won't change.

I had a bit of a wobble yesterday and felt a bit weepy and missed my ex. It's just before my period so I know it's hormone driven. But I keep looking at the list of negatives that I wrote about my ex and the relationship (the one I keep adding to as I remember new things) and it gives me the angry jolt I need to stop wanting to text him.