Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why has this upset me?

7 replies

Notacluewhatthisis · 10/11/2018 08:15

So me and Dp have kind of been in a relationship for a while though it wasn't official until recently. He was my best friend and we have always been close, the whole time we have known eachother.

I spent last night with him and we had a lovely night. I find it very hard speaking about my feelings in real life, which I know bothers him though he doesn't say. He just tells me he is there when I am ready. But, last night, I opened up a bit. He knows my exh abused me and raped me. He has known a while, but I told him some of the low level abuse. He is a good listener and was so lovely. He may me feel listened to, understood, supported and safe.

During the conversation, he opened up some more about his ex wife. I knew she had hit him and that's why he left. His relative is my closest friend so I have known this while. The ex wife went to this relatives house kicking off when she got wind he was with someone and when my friend told her she knew she had hit dp, she admitted it and said she would do it again if she got the chance. So i know its true. He confided in me, that she hit him a few times. He then said that deep down he is expecting me to do this to him too at some point. He says he knows, logically, I am not that sort of person and has never seen behaviour in me that suggests it. But it's still there.

It really gutted me. I do get why he would feel that way, but at the same time, I have never thought he might rape me or abuse me, like my ex did.

I love him, have done for a while and it really hurts that this is in the back of his head. I feel sad for him, I feel hurt that he thinks it's a possibility and kind of understand at the same time.

Can someone help me figure out why I am so upset about this.

OP posts:
LongWalkShortPlank · 10/11/2018 08:24

I think you missed the point of reassurance here. He might not have even meant what he said but he needs the reassurance that you won't, just like anyone else.

It bothered you because it's like someone thinking the worst of you. But it isn't about you, it's about him and insecurity and anxiety. And you can't make it about your own feelings, just reassure him.

Notacluewhatthisis · 10/11/2018 08:39

Yes you are right. I did reassure him and it was a lovely talk.

But yes, no one likes some to think they could do something bad. I just need to take sometime to show and reassure him, that not me.

Thank you. X

OP posts:
Clutterbugsmum · 10/11/2018 08:40

And if you are honest with yourself deep down you will think he will behave like your Ex.

And both of your feeling are normal due to your past experiences in previous relationships.

GertrudeCB · 10/11/2018 08:46

It's really good that you both felt comfortable enough to open up to each other. Keep communication flowing..

Ratarse · 10/11/2018 09:14

Totally unrelated, but I got with a good friend many years ago. We celebrated 20 years together this year and have five children together. I'd been with some right dicks before but we can get through anything, and so will you.

category12 · 10/11/2018 09:20

Have either of you had any counselling or support, having come out of abusive relationships?

Notacluewhatthisis · 10/11/2018 09:50

Clutterbugsmum I honestly don't think that's true. I had a alot of counselling and don't a lot of work towards the end of the marriage and since. I am in a place where I know not everyone is my ex. But who knows it could rear it's head again.

GertrudeCB thank you, yes communicating does make me feel better and him. It's a definite must.

Ratarse that's lovely to hear. I know we will get through it. Think it was just a bit of shock as well that he was worried about me hurting him.

category12 Yes, I started while I was still married. At exhs instance, he believed it would show me how it was all in my head.
Dp has had counselling and started just after he left his ex wife, he is still doing it now.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page