Lost confidence in friendships

[ItsInTheSpoon]

Going through a divorce, family and friends varyingly supportive - I’ve got to the point of feeling that I’m expecting too much from anyone really, nobody really cares.

Have never felt this before but have never gone through any situation requiring lots of support.

I now feel as if I will be seen as needy if I try to get any support and it feels like relying on myself is what I must do.

Maybe I am just immature, does everyone else already know this?

Hi OP do you have children? People tend to be more supportive then. That said, the only support I got when I split from my ex, was from my mum. You’re very lucky if you get good support.

I know how you feel.

I've just gone through a breakup of a long term relationship and I've learnt who my real friends are

There are those that say all right things, show support etc and then never hear from them again. Probably thinking they can't be doing with the 'needy' friend. They are off my Xmas list!

Then you get the others that listen to all your swearing and crying and are still there when you need them. For me there are only 2 or 3 of these people but have been my rocks. They don't make me feel needy, they are holding me up and for that I will be eternally grateful.

You don't need an army of people, just a couple of good ones and they will make sure you come out of this ok.

You will be ok

@Namechanger1404 I have teen/older children.

I do have one really lovely, supportive friend and an online friend who is also very kind - so I’m really lucky, I know that.

I suppose I have just been unpleasantly surprised that most family members are not really supportive, they seem to assume I am the same as usual, when I know I would be different towards them in a bad situation.

@spinningworld you are quite right. It is that horrible realisation that I don’t matter to many friends (including family) as much as they matter to me. I am trying to just get over it and stop overthinking!

itsinthespoon Unfortunately, many people nowadays are totally wrapped up in themselves, and you only realise just how much when it comes to a crisis situation.

I have recently finished with my partner of 7 years (not my DC dad) and though it was a long time coming, and I’m not heartbroken, my life has changed, and I’m feeling very lonely. Nobody has really bothered, because I’m ‘ok’. My mum has passed away, and my closest sister lives overseas, I’ll not rely on anyone again.

As spinning says, these are the times when you find your true friends.

Keep posting here for support OP, there’s a wealth of experience on this forum

@ItsInTheSpoon

Then they aren't your friends (sadly family is a little more difficult) and they don't deserve the time you put into them.

I know it sounds harsh and it's a horrible feeling but I've literally walked away from a couple of long terms friends because they turned their back on me. As for family, my own dad is one that couldn't give a shit

Just like I said to my ex as he swanned out the door to his other woman, it's their loss.

All my time and focus will go into the ones that stayed with me.

@Namechanger1404 I’ll not rely on anyone again is exactly how I feel. The world seems a much less nice place than I thought it was!

It would be great to have some support from on here.

@spinningworld I think I will be very different in the future, in the same way as you say, giving time and focus to those who have been there for me.

I must say that on the other hand I have been very touched by the kindness of some people I don’t know all that well who have shown small kindnesses.

Have either of you tried any real-life meet-ups for friendship at all? This is something that I have thought of but feel very nervous about the idea.

I am hoping everything will feel less difficult and lonely once stbxh moves out and I can get on with living again. Yes, less lonely!

@Namechanger very sorry about your mum x

@ItsInTheSpoon I've pm'd you

I’ve pm’d you too, I’m not sure if it’s case sensitive though?

I feel very much like you. I have always been open and supportive to family and friends. My children are 17 and 15 and I have found the teenage years very tough. I have struggled enormously. After a particularly tough 6 months I thought I'd better contact DM for a chat and invite DMIL to visit again, then I realised no-one had contacted me in those 6 months. Not a phone call, not a text or anything just to say how are you? or how are the children? This is from a family I contact regularly, host at our house regularly, have helped with building bridges after fall outs and also supported a teenage niece through a very difficult period. It just slapped me in the face that they didn't care. I am now minimal contact - I have lovely friends who are supportive (and I recriprocate). Unfortunately it is now affecting my relationship with DH - he recently invited his family to visit (no agenda, he is very spontaneous and not bothered by regular/irregular contact) and did not understand my view at all. They visited, I hosted (cooking, chatting, taking them out places), I was nice and they left. I just felt used by DH and them.

@woodlands01 that’s horrible. I’m glad you have some good friends. Families can be strange, can’t they? Are you able to talk to your DH about how you feel about his family? Going low contact is a good way of limiting your hurt - I am doing that myself to some extent, though not as much as I feel like as I want to maintain the relationships for the sake of my children.

ItsInTheSpoon same here regarding the relationships for the children. I do however feel that my children have been let down. I know I need to let the bitterness go. Both me and DH have always been easy going and not got involved in any family shit. I know I should be the bigger person!
However, I am not (currently) interested in running around after people who are not interested.
You are definitely not immature, you sound like a lovely person. You have to take the support and kindness of people where you find it, even if it is people you hardly know or people on-line. They are no different from long term friends/family, they are just showing they are nice people. My friend calls them 'givers' not 'takers'. Another comment of hers is 'fair weather' friends. I think she is very wise

Sorry you’re feeling lonely , OP. What kind of support do you want, and have you asked specifically for it?

@woodlands01 thank you for your kind words. Funny you mention givers and takers - I have been thinking in those terms myself recently.

@EurekaStreet the support is knowing that the person is there really... hoping that they can think what might be helpful in my shoes. The most helpful thing is listening! I have occasionally asked for specific practical help but have had either a negative response or a one-off agreement.

The problem is after you have been let down by supposedly good friends you put your guard up.Its amazing how many people only call when they need you for something rather than for a chat .

@ferando81 yes, putting your guard up... then I find I am analysing everything and wondering why, making myself feel worse! I

I read this somewhere; don't share your troubles with others - most won't care, some will be happy you have them and a few will care but have enough of their own shit to deal with. Depressing but true.

What I have learned through twenty long years of being single with children is that people will be kind as long as it doesn’t impact on them in any way.

Also, a lot of things are geared up for couples.

@NotAnotherParkingFine I am learning this the hard way!

@julietrosalind I do feel a bit hard done by when I’m still helping a family member when they’re not actually going through anything particularly, yet they happily accept that without offering anything in return. I try to take the view that I don’t really know what their life is like (might be harder than it looks) and that they don’t understand how I am feeling... doesn’t stop it from feeling unfair though. Then there is the family member supporting stbxh and not me. This is when I get to thinking, grow up ItsInTheSpoon, didn’t you know life is unfair?

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to post and for the flowers x

itsinthespoon I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time. You seem like a lovely person. While I haven't gone through a divorce, I'm going through another different relationship breach. I've found that the people I assumed would be supportive, weren't. And those I hadn't really thought of were - often people who are more on the periphery of things. Perhaps the others don't want to get dragged into it, I don't know.

A friend of mine lost his mother recently and remarked that he really found who his friends were then.

We had a crisis when ds was born as dh developed an infectious illness - while family were limited, colleagues stepped forward to help out - just simple kindnesses.

It's a life lesson - I'll always try to be the one to give an unexpected hand. It means so much to people.

@MsForestierinParis thank you. It sounds like you went through the same process of enlightenment... thanks for pointing out the positive side; that’s what I should focus on, that and as you say, trying to be the unexpected kind person... as I have learned how much that helps

The same thing happened to me. I lost friends due to my divorce, not because they chose sides but because they either didn't care or couldn't think what to say. I really did find out who my true friends were, and I don't have many. I now can't make any new friends because some of them behaved appallingly so I just put my guard up and can't trust anyone.