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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

end of short term relationship

17 replies

dnilasor · 09/11/2018 09:38

I have been seeing this guy for 2 months, usually 1-2 times a week. We met on a dating app at the end of august. Within first two weeks we had seen each other a lot, and one night I brought up the 'what is this' chat as I was worried about getting hurt. He said he didn't want to get into anything really serious and assumed I was the same as I was going travelling soon (originally I was meant to be going away in November for 3 months but my plans later changed).
After that I thought he would cool things off but he went the opposite way and seemed more keen, he would always contact me first and be the one to initiate doing something together. It's now been 2 months and I knew there was a chat to be had as it seems like a long time to see someone when you don't want anything serious...
Earlier this week he stayed at my house and when we were in bed he said he was worried this was going to end in upset, and that he had a really awful break up earlier this year and didn't want to go through that again. He moved to the city I live to do a masters degree and will be moving back down South next summer, and said he wouldn't want to do long distance again as that is why it ended last time.
I said it's been a weird situation as it's gone on for 2 months and in my head ive thought 'right don't speak to him again', as I know im starting to like you but I know you are not interested in me like that.
He interrupted me and said he does actually really like me and would want things to go further with me but it is just a funny time for him - he doesn't want a girlfriend whilst doing his course and that he'd be moving away next year anyway so its not really fair when he's in this funny inbetween place.
I said well I guess we just have to cut it off then and he said well I dont wanna do that, why dont we not speak for a week and see how we feel. I said I didn't really see the point...we went to sleep and the next morning I knew we would be saying goodbye and I found it really difficult not to get upset. He said he wouldn't want it to be awkward between us if we saw each other, so I take that as he has no plans to get back in touch? We said a very brief goodbye as I knew I was on the verge of tears and so walked off to work.
I feel like I've had my heart broken again and I really didn't expect it off something so short term.
It sounds like he is unsure what he wants too. I know I should now leave him to it but I am so desperately hoping he gets back in touch again..do you think he will?

OP posts:

BabyLlamasInPyjamas · 09/11/2018 09:39

So much drama for two months

Just forget him

Johnnyfinland · 09/11/2018 09:42

Leave it. The key point here is he’s told you he doesn’t want a girlfriend - that is the bit you need to listen to loud and clear. I’ve been there trying to make something work with someone who said they ‘really liked me’ but just didn’t want a relationship (weirdly similar circumstances in that their last relationship was also long distance and a terrible break up) and long story short it didn’t work. Everything kept coming back to the fact that they ‘said at the start they didn’t want anything serious’. If you want a relationship you deserve someone who also wants that at the very minimum

Original poster

dnilasor · 09/11/2018 09:48

Thanks. I came out of a long term relationship last year and I feel like Im going through some similar feelings with this..rejection is never fun.

OP posts:

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 09/11/2018 09:49

Cut contact with him. I've had all this in the past with someone and it makes you feel shit and makes you question yourself.
He most likely will get back in touch. But be aware he may start the whole game playing again. He should have to prove himself to you if this is to ever go anywhere. He needs to learn he can't go around messing people about and no consequences.
Is it possible there is someone else involved and that might be why he hasn't committed to you?

Snitzelvoncrumb · 09/11/2018 09:52

I agree, stop contact. It sounds like he will just stuff you around.

Original poster

dnilasor · 09/11/2018 09:53

@Chocolatecoffeeaddict thanks for the advice. Its so hard not to have all the thoughts of 'whats wrong with me' but I guess it is more circumstantial for him. No I dont think there is anyone else on the scene, I think he just came here with the idea of not getting in a relationship but was not expecting to go on one date and ending up seeing me for 2 months. Boys brains baffle me sometimes, I think if you liked someone enough youd make it work but I think he thinks altho he likes me he is doing whats right for him. Just a shame!

OP posts:

JK1773 · 09/11/2018 09:57

I’m sorry you’re hurting. But remember you’ve done nothing wrong, keep your head held high, leave him to it. Take some time to get yourself together and get back out there. I agree no contact is a good idea just to give yourself time to get over it. You’ll be absolutely fine

Original poster

dnilasor · 09/11/2018 11:50

Do you think it is likely he will get in touch again? Just seems a shame to call it a day before giving it a chance.

OP posts:

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 09/11/2018 12:08

Honestly, you're hurting now but if he's not able to give you what you want then he's NOT right for you.
I felt the same when this happened to me. I thought I'd lost " the one" as cringy as that sounds. But I met someone unexpectedly 6 months later who made it clear to me he liked me, was serious and wanted a relationship with me. I was never in any doubt about his feelings.We're now married and have a child.
He's right for me because he's what I want, not the other guy who could only ever be what I wished he would be.

Shazafied · 09/11/2018 12:15

He will get in touch again, especially if you don’t contact him. But unless he has a massive u-turn in attitude, he’s just messing you about. Of love is right it’s easy , if people want to be together they find a way. His excuses are all bluster, there’s really no reason it couldn’t work if he wanted it too. Immense tend to chase after women they want and try to nail things down. I’m not saying he doesn’t like you, but it seems he just wants fool around and do cat and mouse. So tiresome for just a couple of months . Next !!

Shazafied · 09/11/2018 12:17

Sorry for typos !

myfatarse · 09/11/2018 12:45

I've gone through this but the other way round. I knew i would be moving for work within a year and didn't want the upheaval of having anything serious to deal with when that time came but.... i met a guy and we dated, i told him that this wasn't going to ever go anywhere but i enjoyed his company a lot and all the aspect of being in a relationship this brought. For me, telling him it wasn't serious was also telling myself it wasn't and with that in mind, i never fell in love. I felt deeply for him but i always understood (and he did to) that it wasn't THE ONE.

If you want more from him, then no this isn't for you, but if you're looking for someone to have all the trappings of a relationship (nights out/in, breaksaway) and not look too far into the future, then you could have fun with someone who cares about you. FWB?!

Original poster

dnilasor · 09/11/2018 12:51

@myfatarse how did you end it with him? did you get back in touch?

OP posts:

myfatarse · 09/11/2018 13:05

i started to back off emotionally a couple of month before i was due to leave, nothing heavy but i made myself less available to him, i started to put distance between us.

I would bring up my impending departure but not how that was going to effect us but what i had to do/get ready/put in place to go iyswim (give notice on flat/find new place etc) to make sure he was on the same page.

We actually had a last day together about a week before i was due to leave and by that time it had dwindled down to once a week of so of seeing him, texting was short and less frequent) and it was for a coffee and a catch up in the day - so it definately didn't feel like a date.

I wished him well and said i'll get in contact when im settled and speak soon.

We text for a month of two after i moved but it was very short and less relationshipy, more a catching up with a friend that you were no longer invested in (so to speak)

It worked for us, he didn't want anything more, he liked that he had a GF of sorts but knew i wasn't looking in to a future of family/kids etc and he wasn't in that place to give that.

Original poster

dnilasor · 09/11/2018 13:17

This guy is not moving back home until August next year...hence why I feel a bit sad cos it seems a shame not to have at least tried it and see what happens...

OP posts:

myfatarse · 09/11/2018 13:32

I think if you liked someone enough youd make it work but why?

This is the ingrained bit of society that tells you if you're getting on with them and start a relationship then it must mean the next steps are moving in/marriage/kids etc - why?????

There isn't just one person in the whole world who will make you happy. Yes this man might but there will be a whole host of others who will too and you can afford to loose this man if need be and so can he vice versa.

He's not looking at settling down, so he's not looking for a life partnerm just someone to have fun with, who he gets on with and thats it

myfatarse · 09/11/2018 13:33

and you could try and split in 6 months - he's just not willing to get into that and doing all the breaking up bit

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