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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DPs family is driving a wedge between us

13 replies

flowerandflower · 09/11/2018 08:37

This is particularly MIL and his Grandmother. We have a 6 month old DD and bought our own house at the end of last year. DP and his MIL have had a difficult relationship, so he tries his best to please her (sometimes too much)

Throughout my pregnancy MIL barely spoke to me unless it was about the baby (which was weird, we had been close before). For example she'd ask if she could come to midwife appointments to hear the heartbeat, come to scans etc and when I would politely say no thank you I just want DP there (even the birth) she would ignore me/be off with me and play the victim to DP saying that I was selfish and she had every right to as it was her grandchild. You'l see a pattern of this, she ignores me then drives a wedge between me and DP.

Ever since DD was born she would turn up without notice, bring things from car boots - a pram, toys, clothes, literally anything, in her own words because she's the 'favourite' Grandma. She always jokes about this to DD who obviously doesn't understand but I don't want her to keep doing this as she gets older. She's insanely jealous of my DM, often joking to DD that my DM isn't really her grandma Confused

In the early days I would let her take DD out for a few hours so I could sleep or have a shower, it was a real lifesaver and I'm grateful. But now she wants her all the time. Constantly asking to have her overnight, on christmas Eve, on my birthday and when I say no she is straight to DP with a pity party saying his siblings (both under 10) are heartbroken, it's not fair etc so then he falls out with me and argurs that it's "only" one night. I'm sick of saying no and having his whole family just be plain arsey with me. MIL apparently called me a nasty bitch to SIL because when SIL(7) asked if my DD could sleep i said Sorry but she can't, because she needs to be with her mummy and daddy, she's only little.

Me and DD went to visit his grandmother (without DP) and she asked "has DD been MILs this week then?" I said no why, she said "She wants to have her for a few days to give you a break. She's off work"

All i keep saying is no, I don't need a break, I'll bring DD round instead and have some lunch with you. Then she ignores my messages/phone calls and moans to DP about how selfish I am which in turn makes him be funny with me and sometimes argue with me.

When we go round as we leave she will say to DPs little sister "ask if DD can stay a bit longer" as if to make me feel guilty for saying no to a little girl. I'm really dreading christmas as we've agreed to have lunch at her house then visit my DM. But MIL is insisting on having DD overnight on xmas eve to which me and DP have both said no and she didn't speak to us for a few weeks.

I don't think I can take much more of her constantly and daily trying to take DD off me, and DP being too scared to disappoint MIL. I can't imagine a future like thisSad

OP posts:
InfantaSybilla · 09/11/2018 08:43

Wanting to have your dd overnight on Xmas eve is nuts. Surely she would understand you'd want your first Xmas morning with your dd even if dd won't understand Hmm

flowerandflower · 09/11/2018 08:44

Exactly. She said it's because her kids will love it and as I've not bought Dd much for xmas she will have more to open there Confused

I thought she was joking at first but apparently not

OP posts:
Lordamighty · 09/11/2018 08:52

Ask her if she let her own 6 month old babies sleep at her MILs on Christmas Eve? She sounds odd. Personally I would be reducing contact & not giving her what she wants.

Katgurl · 09/11/2018 08:59

Oh christ. She's not taking you seriously as the mother at all. Am I correct in estimating you're in your 20s and she's in her late 40s? She is treating you like a pair of kids. The absolute cheek of her.

Was she really clingy to your DP before this? It sounds like she just disregards you and think everything is centred around her. I bet she's the type who makes horrible little 'jokes' behind your back about how she will always be the no.1 woman in her son's life.

I really don't know what you can do to get her to back off. It sounds horrendous. The most important thing is that you get the support of your partner. Focus your energies on that. The last thing you want is him thinking he's mediating or keeping the peace of whatever. You need to get him to understand very clearly that you are now priority, you and him are the decision makers with your child and while she's welcome, she's not to undermine you.

Is there a FIL in the picture? She sounds awful...

InfantaSybilla · 09/11/2018 09:00

I'd tell her to have another baby if the kids will love it.

Lordamighty response is good, it's very unlikely her dcs spend Xmas eve night with their paternal grandmother.

Plus you're still visiting on Xmas day so dd can open her presents when. You arrive which no doubt the kids will also enjoy helping with.

flowerandflower · 09/11/2018 09:02

Yes I'm early 20s DP is mid 20s. It's funny because before I was pregnant she never really bothered with DP just need if she needed decorating/housework as he's a decorator by trade.

Her and FIL split two years ago and FIL said to DP that MIL only bothers with him because she wants to see the baby (this was when I was pregnant)

OP posts:
Suresurelah · 09/11/2018 09:03

So does your DP try and make you feel guilty because you have said no to her demands?

flowerandflower · 09/11/2018 09:07

Yep. Mainly for letting his siblings down. MIL said her daughter screamed last time we left because DD left. I'm sick of being made to feel guilty

OP posts:
Weenurse · 09/11/2018 09:14

You need to present as a united team. Go with a game plan and never disagree with each other in her presence.
Remin DH that you are in this together.
Talk about your goals as a family together and then present this as done deal.
She will get sick of trying to divide and conquer if you back each other every time.
Any suggestions just respond with, ‘I will think on that’ or thanks for the suggestions but this is what we are going to do.

Singlenotsingle · 09/11/2018 09:15

What a strange woman. She's obviously got small DC of her own and wants to include yours in her little circle as well. Is she quite right in the head? I think I'd go LC as much as possible and if you don't want your lo to sleep overnight, don't be afraid to say no. (My ddil is only too keen for me to have her 2 overnight, as often as possible!)

Newmum102 · 09/11/2018 09:15

Wow she sounds awful.

As others have said I’m sure she didn’t allow her dcs to stay at grans on Christmas Eve. I’d be telling dp that Mil is no longer priority here, that you and dc needs come before theirs.

Weenurse · 09/11/2018 09:15

And don’t buy into this emotional blackmail.

flowerandflower · 09/11/2018 17:22

DP had an important doctors appointment this afternoon and MIL hasnt asked how it went. He even said himself it's probably because I sent her a text saying I didn't want DD to be without me, so thanks for the offers and that i'm sure she understands how I feel. No reply, read it this morning. Cba

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