I'm feeling so depressed about my marriage right now.

[Lizzie48]

I'm just feeling so lonely and sad, and guilty for feeling like this. My DH and I have been married for 15 years, we have 2 adopted DDs of 9 and 6, who came to us after 7 years of heartache and infertility. We're both exhausted now, coping with DD1's needs; she'll finally be starting therapy for Attachment Disorder after 3 years of fighting for it.

The problem is that DH and I have nothing left for each other. We haven't had full sex for over 5 years. I can't cope with allowing him close to me and he no longer tries. This isn't helped by the fact that DD1 hardly ever gets to sleep before 10:30pm and by then we're too knackered to have any chance to talk about it.

I've spoken about my past before, I'm an SA survivor and this has always made sex between us triggering. The memories came flooding back after our DDs came to us and I could no longer cope with allowing my DH near me. It didn't help that I tried when I was in a bad place and I froze because of a distressing flashback. I blame my DM for going on about how unfair I was being and how I should 'lie down and think of England'. We've hardly been anywhere near each other since then.

The difficult thing now is that I can't broach the subject of our sex life anymore. I have normal sexual desires, I just can't broach the subject with him, as we just don't communicate anymore about anything other than the DDs and his job. We get on well, we do manage to get out for meals sometimes and he does occasionally buy me flowers. But then it just goes back into the rut we've been in for so long.

We're a team, we need to be there for our DDs, and we do care about each other. I just don't know that there's any way of regaining the the spark we had before, and I don't know whether I can cope with just being parents to our DDs whilst avoiding the 'elephant in the room'.

Has anybody been through similar and been able to get their sex lives back on track? Or is what we have the best we can hope for?

I think I would find it easier if he actually suggested spending time together without our DDs; it happens but it's always me who suggests if. I sometimes feel like he wouldn't care if we never have any couple time.

Sorry this is so long. I am suffering with depression and have been very low lately, feeling hopeless. So that's colouring my perspective for sure.

Anyone?

How about some counseling to get you two talking and back on track? I think this can definately be fixed, but communication is key here. I think only a few sessions could help ease you back into the trust and cummunication between you two.

We have had dry spells but come back after a while, but it needs effort!

Definitely counselling if you want to talk but can't find a way to. Will you be able to suggest that to your dh?

Have you had any support dealing with what happened to you as a child? Having dc of your own is often a trigger. If possible, I think counselling for yourself would be helpful. As a starting point.

OP I don't have any personal experience but I agree with the PPs that this should be fixable, if you both want to fix it. I read this interesting article recently about a sex therapist with a podcast series, might be of interest:
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/sep/30/esther-perel-fix-the-sex-and-your-relationship-will-transform-esther-perel?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Copy_to_clipboard

Also, I think you need to fix DD2's bedtime. I know it might sound like the least if your worries but you and your DH need that time in the evening to connect and be intimate. Someone on MN recently recommended the PAIRS Daily Temperature Reading method for reconnecting/staying connected. I think it looks great, good way to open the communication lines.

To add, I know nothing about being a SA survivor so please excuse my suggestions if they miss the mark on that front x

Thank you for your responses, you've all been very helpful. It's DD1 (9) who is staying up so late, DD2 (6) is better able to settle, but she does have the habit of coming into our room at night from time to time. So it's both of them really.

Also, my DH is under a lot of stress at work and by the time the DDs are asleep, he's shattered.

Sadly, though, even on the rare occasions when one or both of them are not with us, we still don't get intimate. But I realise that it will take more work and I have mentioned counselling but then more immediate things take priority.

I have had person centred counselling in the past, and I'm on a waiting list for EMDR therapy, it's taking a very long time to happen, though.

On a nice note, we are going out together for a meal this evening and I'm having my roots done this afternoon so that will give me a boost. X

Oh a night out sounds great! When I said intimate I didn't mean DTD, I just meant having a chat and a hug. Small steps to build the intimacy between you.

I did understand what you meant, @Raydan intimacy has been lacking lately, as we tend to lie down and fall asleep once our DDs are asleep.

We have in the past watched DVDs in bed (Fawlty Towers is a favourite), but it's happened less often recently. I'll suggest that tonight.

It's been getting to me that it always has to be me that suggests these ideas.

I'm feeling more positive today, though.

Sorry I misunderstood. Just to say I admire you for working to move forward, it's not always easy. Hope you have a lovely evening tonight

I think he is being sensitive to your feelings and is scared to make you uncomfortable. I think you need to broach the subject as he probably thinks it would make you uncomfortable if he did it himself seen as the last time you both had sex it didn't go so well so has left the ball in your court. Maybe plan a hotel night away and send pictures of some lingerie (that way he knows what you want yet not having to verbally say it out loud) and ask what colours you would like to see on you (might sound very daring but will atleast be natural)

In terms of counselling I would say you need it more than as a couple before you do couplé counselling. So that you can come to terms with the past and how you are feeling and then couplé counselling iyswim

Marriage counselling? It's good that you're going for your own counselling, because this is about your past, not your marriage really. But in order to communicate and make time for your relationship I think marriage counselling would be useful. It will get you both out of the house, away from your DC, focusing on your relationship.

As for 'lie back and think of England', what a load of bollocks. You need to talk about the stuff that's in your head, and then you and your DH need to talk about how to get some intimacy back into your lives.

Can I also suggest that you think about getting a lock for your bedroom door? You and he are entitled to some privacy and intimacy is hard enough when you're parents and knackered, without the thought that a DC might come wandering in at any time.

I would add from a male perspective that he doesn't want to push it. You are entitled to privacy so get a chain on the door and spend time together. Laughing in bed is good. Get busy on the iplayer!

Thank you to you all for your advice, I'm definitely feeling more optimistic now, especially after having enjoyed some wine this evening! We've just enjoyed watching Poirot together, one we hadn't seen before on the TV for once, and we're about to to enjoy Fawlty Towers now, we both love it.

Our babysitter cancelled so we'll be going out for a meal tomorrow evening now.

It always has to be you, because you're the one shutting him down.

If I suggested things to my DP, and she said "No" again, and again, and again, for years, then I'd stop suggesting them. Firstly because there's only so many times you can smash your head into a wall, secondly because if my DP has made it abundantly clear that she doesn't want to do X, I'm being rude and pushy by continuing to suggest it.

From his point of view he's tried to be intimate with you in the past and you've pushed him away repeatedly. What has changed, from his perspective, to show him that your past actions are no longer indicative of your current feelings? Have you said anything? Maybe something like:

"I know it's been really rough the last couple of years, and we've both been really stressed and tired and busy, but I do still love you, and I miss the feeling of connection we used to have. I want you to know that I value you and your company, and I want to make some little changes so we can get a little bit closer back to where we used to be re. intimacy/sex/alone time/whatever."

I'm so sorry you feel like this, you could try counselling. I've always been asexual and married twice. Shouldn't have got married as I can't possibly have a normal sex life and don't want one, I only want the companionship, nothing else.
I decided counselling would be pointless for me as I know what I want so I now live alone which is much better.
Is your husband understanding, considerate? Talking is really the best way forward, try and decide what you both want.