Boyfriend cheated with escorts from adult work

[Flower32]

I've been reading old posts on here about adult work and I've found that it's really helped me with my situation. About 8 weeks ago when I was using my boyfriend's computer I found that adult work was a recently used site, I wasn't snooping it just came up as a suggested site on the web browser. His log in details for the site were already saved so when I found this I decided I had to log in to see what he'd been up to. I found messages and bookings with prostitutes on there, he'd cheated on me on at least 4 occasions that I know of, one of them was a 'gang bang'. He hasn't actually admitted to the gang bang one, he said he never went but all the arrangements were made for him to go so I'm almost certain he would have gone. The last message about it even said he couldn't wait to get the text with the location and he'd be on his way there! Anyway, it all turned a bit nasty after I found out. That night when I was crying about it he said I needed to grow up and that I was weak! I couldn't quite believe how this man had suddenly changed, it made me so angry and I told him it was over.

There was quite a lot of manipulation in the days that followed, he said things like "all the good guys are gone", "you'll never trust anyone as much as you can trust me", "you'll be so lonely in this house on your own". He had the cheek to say that it was very wrong that I had logged into his account, that I needed to respect his privacy and that I should have boundaries! Also said that I was sly and devious for taking back my own house keys without telling him, it is solely owned by me and he doesn't live here. I went for an STI test and that was ok thankfully. I asked him to go and get tested so I didn't have to and he refused.

We'd been together 2 years and had talked about spending our whole lives together and having children in a year or so. I was happy in the relationship. I'm still in shock about how the nice man I thought I knew could actually be so horrible. It feels like a loss because the future I had imagined has just completely gone now but then on the other hand I know that I should be grateful that it's gone.

I keep trying to tell myself how lucky I am that I found out now and there's no children, marriage or joint finances involved but I suppose I'm struggling to see how I can be happy again and have lost faith that there are any decent men out there. Ever since I found out I feel like I've just been existing, trying to get through the days. Is there anyone who has been in a similar position and found a genuine happiness with a decent person?

There are decent men out there. And having no man is better than having that guy.

I'm so sorry OP, this is horrible, I had a married friend find out similar with 2 small kids and he too turned into an arse within an hour of being confronted. I think these guys really don't know how to react when caught so they lash out. Personally I would tell everyone he knows,

Hi OP, this has happened to me in the past and it happened to a friend of mine, too. Please be reassured that there are good men out there. The worst thing you could do is settle for this individual, whose manipulative and cruel words have started to make you doubt yourself.

Of course you are going to feel terrible - if you didn't then you wouldn't have been emotionally invested in the relationship. But it will get better. Mourn the loss, go easy on yourself and give yourself time to recover. In the near term, you would be best advised to cut off all contact with this nasty bloke.

Both of my hooker-loving ex-boyfriends (it happened to me twice, and I have nothing against hookers, per se) are married now. I am pretty sure that one of them is doing exactly the same to his wife. The other one seems very happy, so may be a reformed character, but I don't know for sure. The only feelings I have now about these men are feelings of relief.
My friend, whose ex did this to her, is now very happily married to a good man.

Thanks for your replies I appreciate it. It'll just take a while for me to get my head around how the person I loved could turn out to be so horrible. One of the things that shocked me the most was his level of arrogance once he'd been found out. He even said "what do you want me to do, grovel? I don't grovel for anyone". I think ultimately, he was sorry I found out but not sorry about what he'd actually done. He admitted to me he would never have told me if I'd not found out myself. I think perhaps he enjoyed the deception because one of the things he said soon after I confronted him was "I don't know how I feel about this now it all feels a bit tainted", as if he'd liked to pull the wool over my eyes but he couldn't any longer so the game was up.

I've got a couple of acquaintances who I saw use hookers when we went on stag do's to places like Amsterdam or Prague when we were in our 20s.

Now late-30's they still use them when away from home or on nights out even when they have wives or girlfriends.

I think it takes a type to use them and that type gets some kind of thrill out of using them.

Richdeniro, that's a very good point. I think once someone has crossed the line and visited escorts it's so easy for them to go and do it again especially if they've managed to get away with it. That type of person doesn't see it as morally wrong and so there's nothing stopping them.

Well done for getting rid.

I think that anyone can cheat and/or make a mistake. Its another thing to speak to you in such a cruel way. Temptation is never far away but it is still a matter of choice as to whether you succumb. Maybe your partner is just trying to bluff his way out of it rather than holding his hands up,telling the truth and taking it from there? It doesnt sound very hopeful to me to be honest. If he can do it once,well he can do it again. Forbidden fruit can taste so much sweeter.

Just wanted to add that you will feel like you had a lucky escape but it will just take time. He has tried to get in your head as most narcissists do.

When I found out my ex cheated, he told me that I would not be able to live on my own, pay my own bills, support myself or live without him and nobody would want me at age 50.

2 years later, own my own home mortgage free, have my own business and my lovely new DP is a treasure who respects me and supports me and appreciates my independence.

It's tough now but you will be so glad you didn't waste more time on someone like him. Focus on yourself and take time to let go of what might of been and look forward to what makes you happy.

@callkiki I'm glad you said "he has tried to get into your head as most narcissists do". I'm starting to think he must have had some kind of personality disorder but I've just not noticed it previously. I'm sure my previous ex (before this one) had a personality disorder and that affected me quite badly so I did a lot of reading about disordered people. I think it helped this time around because when the nasty person came out it was easier for me to see what was going on and I knew what I had to do. Its still extremely hard though and I feel like I've been taken for a mug yet again.

Bless you OP it’s happened to me too, it really messes your head up doesn’t it and makes you question your judgement? You haven’t got the problem but he has. I wasted 16 years on someone like this so be glad you’ve escaped

How are you going OP? Has your ex bf taking his belongings? Any more contact?

You wouldn't want a deceptive man who cheats by in this way...paying for sex to be the father of your child.

Lucky escape from the self righteous idiot.

My ExH cheated a lot, and I had no idea (until much later). We were together 20 yrs, can't believe I didn't see it. No prostitutes, but the same arrogant response when caught, plus the obligatory "You'll regret leaving me". Bullshit.

I now have a lovely DH. A really good man, who would never behave this way.

I now realise, that it was a good thing that my ExH did what he did, because it carved out a new path for me, and placed me on the path leading me to my lovely DH. You will feel the same someday. You will find and marry a really good man, and your Ex will still be a cheating bastard to whoever he is with (as my Ex is). They don't change.

Onwards and upwards.

You are worth so much more, than a man who can use womens like a commodity to be purchased.

And btw, this gangbang involved other men surely? Why any man would want to see another man's erect penis, is beyond my understanding. Unless they are gay or Bi, of course. So that's another level of deception.

You are well rid of this "man".

What a nasty piece of work he is. I'm so sorry OP. Like most narcissists he cannot accept responsibility for his actions, or admit any wrongdoing. Hence the arrogance when found out. Saying sorry to you and 'grovelling' means he loses power, and men like that cannot have that. Turning it around on you is just another example of this too.
Sadly men like this don't change. He will go through his life doing this stuff over and over to women he sucks in. You are SO lucky to be out of this relationship and you will see this eventually.
At the moment you will be feeling disbelief and sadness because he is not what you thought.
Remember, you are worth so much more. He is not worth scraping off your shoe.

Sending hugs. Not all men are like this - DH and I haven’t had much of a physical relationship for quite some time due to illness on my part and he would never do this. I’ve had relationships with this sort of man in the past - please know there’s nothing you have done wrong and you’re absolutely better off without him.

@Blondebakingmumma: Not so bad, some days are better than others. It's still on my mind a lot. Yeah there are a few bits of his still at my place. He wants them back so will be coming to collect at some point. Yeah he makes contact every few days asking how I am etc, he wants to maintain a friendship but I don't see how that could be possible given that I could never depend on him or trust him as I would a friend.

@SandyY2K: funnily enough during the discussions after I confronted him he said to me: the way i'll make it up to you is by being a good father to your children! (I don't have any so he was talking about our future children together). Quite deluded really, I'm like I need a bit more effort in the here and now.

@Huskylover1: Yeah I think the gangbang did involve other men because I looked at the profile of the escort who ran it which said it was her and three other men. Its quite hard seeing the profile of the woman your boyfriend has shagged. I think he booked that out of curiosity, to try it once but then probably realised it wasn't his cup of tea. I do remember he said, "that last one was disgusting". The last one booked on the message history was the gang bang but he'd probably forgotten he'd denied ever going to it when he said that because the one before that was just a normal escort girl.

I'm feeling pretty down tonight, I've been ill today and ended up feeling very sorry for myself. Thinking how nice it would be to be with someone who cared about me, too bad I live on my own. To top it off I'd been looking forward to visiting my friend for a few days this weekend and we were going to do some Christmas things together but they've been ill as well so its unlikely that'll be happening.
I've also been thinking about dating, when is the right time to start again? Sometimes I think yeah I should get back into it but then other times I just think no I don't want all the disappointments it will bring.

What you're going through is entirely normal. It's important that you go through it in order to get the emotions out of your system. I learnt in therapy that going through the sadness allows you to come out of the other side and if you work on yourself whilst realising you were not to blame for any of it and you deserve better. I know it sounds weird but going through the loneliness is part of the grief cycle that you need to go through. Jumping into something too soon leaves you open to carrying those emotions into your next relationship or finding yourself with another guy who doesn't deserve you.

"the only way I'll make it up to you is being a good father to your children"

Is this useless bag of toss for real?? As if you would ever want his cock anywhere near you again when he's been making his way through the population of adult work like a rabid dog with ten dicks....

What a loser, well done for binning him off flower xx

Eeeew what vile human being you are so well rid I’m sorry he turned out to be such a disgusting person you will meet a nice man he’s the exception OP and thank god it was only 2 years and you had no ties he’s actually a sad bastard.

Tell him to get to fuck with his offer of friendship

What a prick ‘I don’t grovel’

Don’t take any of his manipulative bullshit to heart.

I actually feel violent on your behalf. I wish there was a vigilante group to deal with arseholes like this, I’d happily slap him a wet fish in your honour

You have dodged a bullet there

Time will heal, but take your time to heal before rebuilding your life and looking forward.

@Reflexella Amen! I'd hold your coat for you and then take my turn too.

OP: box his tat and shove it in the front garden, you don't need to see humans once it's gone, block his number. He is a diabolically awful person that would have thought nothing of giving you an STI, not only cheating on you forever but actually PAYING for the privilege and is trying to worm his way back in. Next, he'll start with the self pity to make you offer to help him with the 'sex addiction' he will claim to have!

Chuck his shit, block his number and don't be shy about being honest when people ask why you broke up. The shame is his to beat, just as you get to wear your strength like a badge of honour.

Sorry for typos. It's early!