Am I being total dumb?

[Karma2018]

Hi. First time on here and think I’ve hit a wall. Desperately need some sound advice. I’m 48 and have a wonderful 5 yr old son. I’ve been with my ex for near on 14 years. He’s 4 years younger than me. He has his Ups and down with his drinking and constant going out. And we’ve had our battles. Had a business together, lived together and ‘caught by surprise’ had a beautiful son togethe. He’s not a bad guy but just so stupid sometimes. And I don’t do stupid well and it can and did get the best of (lost temper/threw him out/took him back etc.) Anyway, since our son arrived of course the dynamics changed. He was out first! (He was a premi so pressure was on from the start) Basically, I took over the majority of his raising as he says ‘I’m the mum’ whilst he carrried on having a good social life. Came and went as he please. He did help some of the time, but it got to the point where we started to argue about the ‘amount time’ he was enjoying whilst I was looking after or child and working. (He was working up until spring this year) and it’s been sparodic since. I wanted help and time, he wanted to do his stuff.
In the meantime, he saved tons of money for ‘security’ Not that he’s ever said to me ‘Here’s £100 or a £10’. Nope. And yes! I told him about how tight he was.
Anyway, the nights out got worse and he’d come back drunk to this one where he was to take our son out the next day.
Of course he came back sparkerers and I threw sparks. I threw him out for letting our son down. This is the 2nd time I’ve thrown him out.
Since then I’ve let him come and visit his son whenever he wants. And he did. Then in September he said he was going away for a long weekend. I pointedly asked him
on more than one occasion was he going with a girl. Each time the answer was NO! Nearly everyday he saw his son and we were getting on great until... I started seeing him put a real effort into ‘family time’. Wanting to fix this, go on holiday, help out. I was starting to see this good in him and was starting to have hope and hoping this xmas would be great.

But then he let slip that he nearly had 2 tickets to go away. the crux of it. I asked him who she was and he blushed. Then it all clicked. Then I asked him if he went away with her in September and he said yes!
He was going to tell me he met someone and was happy, but wasn’t ready to tell me until he was sure.
I said well you must have new sure to have taken her away on holiday and that was in September! It’s now November! And I kicked you out in April! Well that was fast! But hey each to their own but when the heck was you going to have respect tell me? Xmas? If I did that to you how would you feel? (Serious crickets from him on that last remark)
Side note. He recently (drunk mind you) that his biggest fear was me having another kid with another man

Please note, I was not mad and did not say anything in anger. I was shocked and hurt that he took so long to tell me and lie. But the absolute worst and the most painful was when I text him the next day and said Great! Ok. Now you’re in a good position now we can split the weekends. You have our son 2 weekends a month at his house and I the other 2. Time for everyone. He said he was happy the way things were and things didn’t have to change. Then when he came to the house that same night, I pressed him again on the weekend issue and he said ‘I can’t commit’
Believe me when I say those words were the most painful I had ever felt from him. You can’t commit to time with your son and give me some time to find myself etc.???
He then says I knew this would happen if I told you!! I told him he can’t have his cake and it and have 1 foot in 3 different places! I also said that if this ‘look at me! I’m a great father’ routine was for her benefit you better let her know you don’t want to see your son on just 2 weekends a month!! And I thought to myself, if this was the type of woman who had issues with the father spending time with his son on 2 weekends a month, she had best be off my radar!
Now I’ve told him he can see our son Mon-Fri 6.15-8pm when I get back from work until bedtime. When He came today I let him and went straight upstairs so that they had their time. He stayed is 1hr

Question.
1.Am I wrong for asking the 2 weekends a month?

1. Is this OW putting him against his own son?
2. I’m beyond angry at his lack of wanting to be with our son. Why is he like that?
3. Dreading Xmas. WTF to do??

Self esteem at an all time low.
HELP!!!!! 😭😭😭😭

You’ve certainly made the right choice not to have a relationship with him! Sadly lots of men like the idea of being a dad but dont want to do the work involved and dont want it to impact their lives...

He should want to see his son more but better that he does it less rather than making arrangements and letting DS down. Every other week is good but doesnt sound like he wants that. Hard to know whether he is using new woman as an excuse not to be able to see your son. I’d make a plan for xmas as to what YOU want to do. He ‘ll have to fit into your plans with your son

In your situation I think I'd tell you ex that if he wants to see his son he needs to get a court order because all this dropping in when he pleases for however long he pleases doesn't suit you. He sounds like a selfish prick, I love the way some of these men can just decide what does and doesn't suit them when it comes to their children

1. No you're not, nothing wrong with your suggestions whatsoever.

1. Highly unlikely. He seems prior to her to have a very interesting approach to parenting. Ie. Not get involved and leave you to do it.

1. Some men, heck some women, aren't interested in children. Looks great on the glossy magazines having children. Reality and hardwork involved soon sour that view.

1. Make a special Christmas for your child, if he wants anything input in it, which I doubt, he can work around you.

I've been in your childs position. My father ran off with a barmaid (cliche I know) when I was young. He would frequently let me down for time together or go to the fireworks displays or whatever. He would show up now and again, when it suited him. Actually I soon got over the resentment and just got on with my life, which as a pre-teenager was quite the statement. However I do recall my mother getting increasingly frustrated and annoyed. That was much harder to deal with.

So my suggestion is to count yourself lucky, forget him. Make your well being and that of your child the only priority.

Of course he should want his son 2 weekends a month. He really bloody should and I would stop visits at your home.

But I don't think you had a right to press him if he was going away with someone. I don't think he did the wrong thing by not telling you. Unless you were seriously discussing get back together. You havent said he did, so i assume he didnt. Being a decent dad for a short period isn't the same as getting back with the vows mother.

You kicked him and broke up with him. I get why you did and don't blame you. But the you can't complain he started seeing someone else.

Fwiw I split with my exh and he moved in with someone in less than 10 months. So get your feelings, but it's not your business.

It does seem weird that you are only pressing the weekend issue now he is with someone. It does look like you are only doing this because he is with someone else, wether that's true or not.

Unfortunately you can't force weekends on him. But, as I said, visits at my house would stop.

Oh and no one can say if his new girlfriend (she isn't the other woman) is influencing him. No point worrying about that. If she was, he could choose to ignore her.

Well until he regularly sees his child twice a month for the full weekends, he gets no say in Christmas decisions. Your son stays with you and only you on Christmas day, the father doesn't get to see him. He can see him on boxing day.

Hi. Thank you kindly for the valid and sound replies!!
I just want to point out a few point;

1. We had promised each other that if we were ever to meet another, we would give each other the respect and say. He didn't.

How I 'pressed' was when he did a slip up saying he had the chance for 2 tickets to Spain. I in turn said oh? That's nice for you both. Then he blushed and I said ok out with it and he told me. Then I asked if he had taken her on holiday in September. It's the fact that their was no respect to tell me. I don't think he had any intention of telling. I mean, 2 months later? Come on!! He's a grown man and I'm grown too.

1. In the last month and a half he had been acting super nice! Offering to paint the house, garden 'how about a new sofa', cooking. Making an effort to look good spending weekends during the day. (Always Leaving in the evening) And I was like wow! This is great, he's changing and I was reacting nicely too it.

I paid him compliments on his new attitude. We were starting to talk and laugh more about mundane things. He was gaining a little trust from me. Comments from him like 'I've got your back'. ' I support whatever you do', 'I have to be the one to look after DS when you travel. No one else' I want to spend Xmas and NY with my family no question' It was starting to feel good. And had no problem.

1. Knowing his history, my gut told me he was playing around. Met a new girl (especially when he started to dress cool) and fair play to him.

No! I cannot comment or blame the other woman and I didn't press the issue about her. Didn't ask her name, what she did, etc. Just asked if she was nice. He said she was and that she was a good woman. And the was happy.

1. After he told me he was happy all I could think was ok! Maybe now I can have a couple of weekends so that I too could find my groove. Have time off from 24/7 parenting. AND I have been doing all of The parenting. Rarely got time to go out. My circle of friends are just as busy, we both have no immediate family. All are dead. And we both never really fancied babysitters as they cost the Earth (but I'm going to have to use) Travel only for work (is my only solitude)

So asking him for 2 weekends a month was in my mind, fair and he would understand that I needed time out too.
Well, I got that completely wrong.

You are all right that he is completely selfish. I haven't contacted him since Tuesday. He came to see DS on Thursday for 1hr exactly 6.30-7.30pm (I stayed upstairs) quick exit and he was on the phone most of the time.

I honestly don't have the heart to stop his home visits now as it's winter and wouldn't want him outside in the cold during weekdays/school nights. (Plus Tuesday-Thursday is study time)

I totally agree that I need to move on and I will. I will start to clear his stuff out respectfully.
Just incredibly hurt that he doesn't want that time with his own flesh and blood that he claims to love so much. considering his own bad upbringing (foster care etc)
I've just never, ever expected him to be like that to his own son.
Truly sad and our DS really is incredible.

@Notacluewhatthisis
Thank you kindly for your reply and advice
I do get where you are coming from.
I honestly didn't press about the OW. Only asked if she was nice.
And wanted to know if he had taken her on holiday.
For we both made a promise that if we were to meet someone we would have the respect to say.
I know him. He had no intentions of mentioning it.
He even went silent and acted very uncomfortable, when I posed the question if I was to go on holiday with another man and didn't tell you, how would you feel.

@maximumcarnage
Thank you so much for this post and words of encouragement!
You yourself seem to have done well and kudos and huge respect to your mum!
I too come from a single parent family and completely understand.
Both my ex and I are from broken homes except my mum raised two girls by herself and his mum put him in foster care at the age of 6.

You are right. He only wants 'glossy magazine'

He is actually here now and I've gone upstairs. Let's see how long he will stay?
Tomorrow I will start to pack his things respectfully.

@Trinity66
Thank you! And full heartedly agree that he is a selfish prick! LOL!

@Lozzerbmc Thank you kindly!
I am not sure if he is using the OW either.
I am 100% sure he has told her about me and shown pictures of me
But strangely enough the said that he doesn't want our DS to meet other

His exact message words were;

"""We have been separated for a good while now and felt that that you we’re seeing someone else also which is cool by me. I don’t think it’s good for .....to see other people around us as it destabilise him. I’m talking about personal experience from when I was a child. """

I told him that he assumed wrong about me seeing other people didn't have time' and he should know that making such assumptions are the termites of any relationship

He agreed with that reply!

But all I know is that it is not us he wants to be with.

Pushing never seems to work with these type of men.
Tell him you think he needs to rethink this parenting style.
Can he please come back to you, with his ideas, as you want him to take responsibility.

@Notacluewhatthisis I agree with you.
I cannot say anything about the OW as;

1. I know next to nothing about her except she is 'nice'
2. She's not at fault here.

As you said, I kicked him out and hurt him. I was hurt too by his actions and it hurt like hell having to do that as his drinking was escalating weekly and I was getting beyond exhausted trying to talk, argue, try and make him see sense, reason. Boost him up. Etc.

There were times he would go missing for 2-4 days at a time and I'd be home left with the baby.
He'd come back stinking to high heaven, would fall asleep nearly every night at 8/9.30pm max and snore!!!

Looking back on all this we stood no chance of us even having a relationship for ourselves.
Then he would throw drunken comments like 'You are such a wonderful mother!!! My biggest fear is you finding another man and having another child! I have big nightmares about it'
Yep! That one was out of the blue and only happened in August!

@Santaclarita Thank you for the advice. Sounds like a plan.
He is here now with DS and I'm upstairs. Only will he hear 'Hello' and 'Goodbye' from me.
I haven't contacted him since Wednesday which is the longest time either of us have not spoken!

Wondering how he is going to react to this silence??
I just actually have nothing to say to him. And I can't face him either. His 'Can't commit' comment cut deeply.

@mummmy2017
Thank you for advice.
He visited 6.30-7.20pm. Didn't hear much of a conversation with DS aside from 'How are you' one sentence man.
He said 'See you tomorrow' (Saturday)
I said 'WE are not around tomorrow'
He said ' Where's DS going?'
I said 'He's with me. WE are not around tomorrow'
And that was it.
So asking him to come back with ideas doesn't seem to be on the cards at present.
I'm going to leave it to him to reach out to me. And I will ask.
I've done enough for now.

Well done...
A star for assertiveness.

@mummmy2017 Thank you! From budding student.

@Santaclarita Thank You! I will try that.