Depression and male rage and not fucking listening2

[naivetyisthenewblack]

Just wanted to vent really. Conversation at dinner:

Me: about to chat about something with DP

DD: climbs on & behind me (she knows I don't like this)

Me: DD, please don't do that

DP: Interrupts and talks over me to tell DD off (he does this every fucking time I tell the kids off, he talks over me. He thinks he's helping despite me telling him 50 zillions times please don't)

Me: Please don't talk over me when I'm telling the kids off

DP: can't remember what he said, but basically saying he was just trying to help, and defending why he talked over me that time, as if I have never asked him not to do it before.

Me: but you know this is something I don't like you doing and have asked you not to do

DP: gets really angry. Has gone from 0-60 in a few seconds. Says "I can't fucking do anything right" and storms out of the room. Eats desert in the kitchen. Comes back in after. We don't mention it as I don't want to fight in front of the children. He exudes stress and is miserable.

The thing is, he's not a total dick, even if this does make him sound like one. He's basically a decent guy who's in over his head with depression and pain and can't see beyond the end of his nose right now.

He's wallowing. If I ask him not to do something I really don't like, it just fuels his rage, depression and feelings of failure. But WFT am I supposed to do? This one example, he talks over me all the time. Every fucking time I tell the children off he talks over me to tell them off louder. Every time he says he's helping and every fucking time I say please don't do it. And then he acts as if I haven't said it.

DP feels like I'm constantly having a go at him, but honestly it's the same small list of things he does again and again. And because he's not listening to a fucking word I say, he can't see that. He just thinks I'm criticising him all the time. Actually, I'm asking him to not interrupt me and talk over me, to not shout at the children and to communicate with me about stuff.

FWIW he never, ever criticises me. Ever. (I think this is unhealthy too though. I must piss him off sometimes but he's just stoic. He would never say).

I know he's depressed and not thinking clearly (depressing caused by chronic pain and knock on sleep deprivation pretty much every day and also and worry about debts and lack of work). He's in a grump because of pain a lot. It must be miserable for him.

We went to couples counselling and it was useless. The counsellor was very nice, but didn't understand us at all. DP has been referred on for counselling for depression, but it's taking ages to happen.

I don't know what to do. Even if I could suppress my own feelings (which I won't) while he gets help for depression, I won't stop telling him not to shout at the kids. But every time it ends (very quickly) with him in an almighty rage and storming off. He'll then be in a mood for hours and be unable to sleep as he's up worrying and being anxious. Then he gets cross with himself for not being who he wants to be.

I've tried to explain that using anger to shut me up is really fucking unhealthy but he denies he's doing that - and then gets angry (QED).

I suspect our relationship may be near the end, but even if it is, he's still the father of my children and a decent guy who's not coping well with a difficult situation.

He was never like this before the pain and the depression, although he's always been crap at emotions.He'sriendly, warm, much loved person. He's a very intelligent guy with not much emotional intelligence. Or he locks it away, anyway.

I don't know what to do.

Probably should have put an essay warning on this! If you made it to the end well done

He sounds like hard work. Well done for making it this far. I do know how frustrating it is to keep saying the few things that piss you off and realising that nothing will change..

Is he having any treatment for his depression at all?

(Poor you by the way. It sounds horrible for everyone. )

Medication for depression would help

He's gone on to hormones for low thyroid last year. Supposedly these could help with the depression if they get the dose right.

But it was a year ago he started taking them and hasn't been back to get his levels tested. He didn't take them properly for months when he started taking them. I have no idea why it's taken him a year to go back for a second appointment. He really drags his feet about medical stuff, which is why he's in so much pain (could have nipped it in the bud had he gone when the problem started instead of burying his head in the sand until he couldn't function and I lost my rag and made him go).

It's also why I'm perhaps not as sympathetic as I could be, as this was all so fucking avoidable if only he'd gone to the Drs fucking years ago instead of putting it off for more than a year, and not doing what he needs to do to get better.

He's allowing himself to slip further and further into depression. Anti-depressants may help I'm sure.

But not as much as getting fit and well and not being in pain any more would help. I'm sure that would make a world of difference. That and getting a job that pays a living wage. And looking after himself. But he's locked in a viscous cycle. He hates himself for being in this situation but his self loathing stops himself from doing anything and then he's an arse to the rest of us.

He shouts at the kids all the time.

I had to make a work phone call the other day, and I asked him not to shout at the kids while I was on the phone. This put him in a rage and he shouted. FFS.

He's on a waiting list for depression but no appointment yes. I have a feeling he may be sabotaging it.

I wanted to encourage him to get counselling for depression ages ago. But in the spirit of putting my money where my mouth is, I also made an appointment with the Dr for my own issues. (I suspect I have ADHD).

So we both went to the GPs same week and they put us onto a local mental health services. We both rang and had an assessment, same week.

Then somehow, I got an appointment, but he reckons they never called him for his. (I seriously doubt it. I told them about my ADHD. He told them he was feeling suicidal sometimes).

I started CPD for some behaviours linked to what I suspect is ADHD. But as my relationship with DP kept coming up, they asked if we wanted couples counselling instead. We both agreed. It's couple counselling for people with anxiety and depression apparently so I had high hopes.

We went to 10 sessions and after what felt like a good start, made little progress. Although tbf DP was frank about his levels of anger and depressions and wanting to do something about it.

So the counsellor asked if he wants sessions for depression instead of couples counselling. We both agreed that'd be a good thing. So finally, he's supposed to be getting counselling for depression.

Only he says they haven't called. My ADHD appointment is coming up next week.

I find it hard to believe I can get an appointment for ADHD assessment quicker than he can get an appointment for depressions when he's said he feels suicidal sometimes.

I suspect he's scuppering it, because of his aversion to getting help for himself, but I have no proof and am not 100% sure.

I need to stop writing essays don't I!

I need to stop writing essays don't I!
Nope, you have a lot to work through and here is as good a place as any Sometimes getting it all out, especially in writing, is exactly what you need in order to be able to see what you need to do, I hope it brings some clarity for you.

I have nothing really in the way of advice, just sympathy for the frustration you must feel and how difficult your situation is

Thanks Hidingtonothing

He doesn't realise he's doing it but it feels like his actions are of someone trying to control me through emotional blackmail and aggression.

I do point that out to him, when he's doing it, but that makes him go ballistic. He's affronted by the accusation because it'd never be something he'd do consciously.

He doesn't direct anger at me, in a way that makes me scared for myself. He's not violent, nor does he directly ever try to intimidate me or make me scared. He keeps his distance if he's angry. He goes away to cool down.

But even though it's not directed at me, his anger is explosive. He shouts so very loudly, he rages and looks as if he can barely contain himself. Sometimes he throws things. Never in my direction, usually at the floor. But he doesn't understand that even though he's not directing it at me, it still is intimidating. And he threatens suicide. I'm scared to tell him what I really feel in case he really means it.

Last time he went out to cool down he took the car and drove off angry which was a first, he usually goes to sit outside for a bit. I was terrified he'd gone to do something stupid.

When he's angry he has no empathy for my feelings. When he calms down he beats himself up mentally for having got so angry, and so the depression kicks in. Then he doesn't sleep from stressing about it, and he feels like crap the next day, and in more pain, so acts like an arse, and so on.

I understand depression makes you self obsessed. But I am existing less and less as myself. I'm retreating from the world into myself. The crap is dominating everything.

When he calms down, we carry on as if nothing had happened these days. Because if we don't, he'll not sleep. He'll lie in the dark feeling shit about himself and going into a spiral of depression. He does this a lot.

So I leave it as I'm genuinely scared and worried for him.

And my son heard him say he wanted to kill himself. I'm horrified by that. It happened a while back, I've not mentioned it to anyone. I'm scared if I talk to DP about suicide it'll make things worse but I'm devastated and fucking angry that my child has heard something so fucked up so young (he was 8).

Even writing this I'm scared he'll find it and that it'll make him feel worse, as we share computers often (as have different programs on each) and I'm crap at remembering to close stuff.

I have no idea how seriously to take the threats. He's had more than one close friend kill themselves. So I'm not going to ignore the risk.

teaandtoast really not helpful.

'He knows I don't like something and still does it.

I'm not going to go into how I deal with my children as it's not relevant to this thread.

The point is I open my mouth to tell them off and he talks over me. Every single fucking time. I've asked him not to repeatedly over years and he still does it and acts like it's the first time when I pull him up on it, not something I'm bored of saying.

My DD is a child. She'll get it with time and I'm helping her learn that. What's his excuse for repeatedly doing something I've asked him not to?

I've asked and:

1. he denies he does it
2. he denies it's a problem
3. he ends the conversation by getting angry

The kids are fed up with him shouting at them. They tune him out because he does it so much. And then he gets upset when they don't want him to do bedtime or whatever. (As guaranteed he'll end up shouting). His way of parenting isn't working at all right now as he's too wound up to parent effectively without shouting.

He didn't shout all the time before he was in pain all the time.

If he doesn't like what I'm saying then the adult thing to do is to talk about it, when the kids aren't there, not to talk over me when I've made it clear I don't want him to.

But he doesn't even want to consider he does it.

I used to have this with my ex husband. It's so frustrating and ultimately something I couldn't live with.