When does it end????

[ALittleBitConfused1]

So bloody annoyed with myself.
Ive left posts before and hoped the last one would be just that...the last one but ffs here I am again.
Long story short I was in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship with an agressive, controlling alcoholic. Usual story....i completely lost myself, completely changed. I tried to end it over and over. I wasnt strong enough to do it. I fell for his manipulation over and over. I couldnt get away from the constant texts, harrassment and i always fell for the promises to change. Until the last time, when I told him i was done. 3 days of constant anger, belittlement aneither being shouted at or ignored.
I ended it, he lost it. He got drunk and atracked me. I wont go into details but i remember feeling this is it, im not getting out of this. The injuries healed. I found the strength to go to court. He pleaded guilty. I did months of therapy. The nightmares stopped, i went back to work. I started going out again. Ive chanked my life, improved myself. Worked on my anxiety. I thought i was at the end. I thought it was just a bad thing that happened.
The restraining order finishes this weskend. Its been a year since the trial. My head is a mess. Im all over the place. The bad dreams are back again. Just like the 1st anniversary of the attack. I feel scared, lonely, vulnerable. Im hoping this passes but tbh im sick of him still having this control. Im sick of feeling like this of being scared. Ffs why am I not just moving on from this. Will it always be like this.

Because your human. It hurts because you have normal feelings.

Will therapy help some more?

I suppose im just disappointed . I wasnt expecting to feel this bad.
Im not even sure how i would go about getting more therapy. The last round was organized by a womans refuge that the police referred me to.
It was intense trauma counselling so very tailored to what i was going through. Now im not sure what im going through lol. I suppose i just thought i was further along the process of recovery than i clearly am and i hate that.
Thank you for the flowers

Not that I’m any kind of counsellor, but it sounds like a form of PTSD. You’re getting flashbacks triggered by an event (the order expiring).

Have you tried an initial discussion with your GP? Or the refuge organisation? You won’t be the only person that’ll have had this.

The dr mentioned ptsd when it origionally happened as i started sleep walking and having night terrors where i would wake up in another room screaming.
Im pretty sure the refuge wont be able to help me now as you have to be referred there by another organisation (eg the police).
I was thinking about trying the dr but my gp isnt v emphatic and he just seems to want to dish out pills which isnt a route i want to go down if im honest. The therapy really worked for me so i would be happy to try that again but it would be a struggle to pay for it.
I might see if there is any kind of help line i can call.
Im so annoyed im feeling like this again. I feel like a sitting duck. Grrrrr, im using the techniques i learned during therapy to keep a lid on it but honestly im just so down about it all again, i feel so silly.0b

Reach out to the shelter if you can, if they cannot help directly they may be able to give good practical advice on how to access help. You could also perhaps try speaking to NHS Direct if your GP is unhelpful?

A family friend was sexually abused as a child. It all came out years later in her teens, there was a trial, he was jailed. She had a load of counselling and built a happy life. Many years later when his release date was approaching, she started suffering anxiety, which progressed to debilitating panic attacks after his release. This is 20+ years after the crimes, at a time when her life had otherwise completely moved on.

I doubt it is unusual at all - don't give yourself a hard time about losing progress and so on. This is an obstacle (perhaps one of the last) to overcome, but you have already overcome greater ones, and can do this.