depressed partner, unexplained infertiltiy

[tovasupernova]

Hi,
My partner has gone into a deep depression and is saying he doesn't love me anymore. We have been together 5 years, are engaged, own a lovely house and were trying for a baby but with no joy down to unexplained infertility, had a couple failed fertility treatments but had a path forward (we'd not yet tried IVF which was/is next step) then he just started to withdraw. This was in August and he's just gotten worse since. He tried some meds but didn't like them so he stopped them. He keeps saying he thinks he ought to move out, but doesn't actually do it, just looks at flats. He is still functioning in terms of going to work, seeing friends, playing sport etc but we don't do anything together anymore. He says he still cares about me and feels really guilty but that he doesn't love me. He says he doesn't know if he doesn't love me, and that's caused the depression, or if he is depressed and therefore can't feel love. I think it's the latter but perhaps I'm wishful thinking? I feel stuck in limbo. I desperately want to carry on trying for a baby but obviously that's off the cards. The whole failing to get preggers thing was really tough anyway, and now this on top it's just so much. I think his depression has been triggered by not being able to conceive as he really wants kids as well. He has seen a doctor and has spoken to someone about having counselling but not had a session yet except at the docs. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to just be here, and let him know I still care, but I can't help getting upset and I feel bad for making him feel guilty on top of everything else. I don't know if moving out is an empty threat or not, and if it would help or not. There's been times he's gone out and gotten drunk and stayed out (just with mates) and felt worse but he's tried to not do that the last couple of weeks. I feel like I don't even know what our relationship status is, I feel like a fraud for still wearing my engagement ring but I don't want to take it off. I don't really have anywhere to move out or spare money so me going isn't an option, nor is it what I want. I don't really know why I'm posting, I guess I wondered if anyone else has been through anything like this and come out of it still together and ok? I feel like due to my age and the fact we struggled to conceive, if we do split up then I don't have time to meet anyone so I'd have to decide if I want a baby alone and if so do IVF with sperm donor - I know there's always a chance I'd meet someone quickly etc but since I'm still in love with fiance I can't imagine having time to get over it and move on and still stand chance of conception (issue unknown, could be either of us but more likely me, plus he's younger and a man so has time, I'm nearly 35 which is when fertility drops for women and since we have tried for 2 years with no joy think it's very time dependent). He's never suffered with any sort of depression before, and he's a bit of an overachiever and the sort who works hard to attain his goals and doesn't really like to fail (well, who does I guess but if he can work for something and get there, he will). Maybe that's why not getting pregnant has had such an impact, I don't know. I just feel like in any other circumstance, so if his depression wasn't centred around him feeling unsure about our relationship or if we weren't in the time constrained situation of trying to conceive etc it might be easier (maybe not, I'm sure there's never a good time for depression). This is now an essay, sorry, just not sure what to do sad :(

How long did he try the ADs for? They can take a while to kick in and you feel bloody awful while they do.
There’s also loads of different types, so maybe he would try a different one?

I’m sorry it’s so shit for you at the moment. It sounds like you’re not really going to be able to make any headway with him before his depression is under control, so I guess that should be your focus? Hope things improve xx

He took them for just over a week then stopped, said even tho they helped with anxiety they made him feel kind of numb. Yeah it's just hard when he's pushing me away, I've read stuff that says it's common in depression but I don't know if people normally think they might have fallen out of love and that might be the cause of their depression, just hard supporting when he keeps talking about leaving

Sorry to hear this OP, fertility struggles are horrendous and can definitely put lots of strain on a relationship.

Firstly try not to worry about your age, you are NOT that old (I had my IVF babies at 36 and 38). Plus do not assume the fertility fault lies with you, in 30% of cases it is a male issue and in 40% of cases it is unexplained. You don’t have to make a decision on babies with him or without him yet anyway. You could always freeze your eggs if you want/need to be proactive.

Could you pull back from the fertility worries and see if you can start having fun again (hard to do I know). Otherwise you might be better off having a few months out to lick wounds and then starting dating again. But the most important thing is if you love him, you need to talk about all these things and keep talking. Life is long, don’t have a baby with someone you are unsure of.

Good luck

I'm pmed you @tovasupernova

I’m so sorry. I’d say it’s most likely that he has fallen out of love with you, he may be depressed independently of that, but I imagine part of the depression could be the strain of being in a relationship you know isn’t working, knowing that a horrible breakup and hurting the person you care about is blocking the route to happiness.

If he was withdrawing from everyone then you might have a chance of it being depression but the fact he’s still socialising is very telling. Depression is different for everyone but in my own experience even while very severely depressed I still knew I loved and wanted to be with my partner.

Ultimately, whether it’s due to one thing or another he still has the right to state his needs and have you accept them, so if he’s saying he is done with the relationship and wants to move out you have to respect that. Even depressed people can know a relationship is over and end it.

One thing I’d say however is to let him know if he wants it to be over to tell you now and you will formally break up and start looking at living arrangements, it’s not fair to keep you hanging. I imagine you’re scared to force the issue in case he says yep we’re done, but in the long run I promise it’s bettee you know now and can start to move on, nothing is more torture than limbo and you already aren’t sure whether you’re actually together or not.

Speak to him tonight, ask him for the truth and say if he wants to split up you’ll accept it and start deciding where he’ll go for the meantime while things get sorted (it’s only fair for him to move out initially). I’d try for a baby with donor sperm in your position, give it six months to collect yourself and then press on if you do really want children.

I have asked him and he just says he doesn't know how he feels. I have asked him to move out if thats what he wants. I don't know what else to do.

Don’t ask him to move out, tell him to move out. Given the opportunity he chooses to do nothing, it’s time for him to proactively manage his depression instead of emotionally crapping over you.

I wonder if he's emotionally checked out already & too cowardly to end it? So is forcing you to make the decision?

I have seen this a lot & Have been on the receiving end of this sort of behaviour - it's shitty.

Yeah maybe he is, I keep pressing him for what has changed to try n understand if it's the depression behind everything or not but I'm clueless and at the min I can't talk to him without getting really upset. I'm at the point now where I think he should move out as I feel talking is going around in circles. I feel like he's avoiding dealing with whatever the real issue is and much as I'd like to be a strong enough person to support him thru this as a friend he's my fiance, not just a friend and I can't stop feeling hurt and rejected n upset and so can't really support him so I guess if he moves out maybe that's best. I can't handle the being in limbo, but then moving out doesn't always mean moving on so I guess i might still b stuck there a while.