Ended relationship with man with drink problem. Really struggling with how he is treating me now.

[TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea]

With support from lovely Mumsnetters, I ended a 6 month relationship with a man, who I strongly suspect has a drink problem.

After several messages from him wallowing in self pity, I was angry with him and felt fine about moving forwards alone.

Yet today, I am longing to be in his arms. I miss him so much. I don't understand how someone can be so loving, kind, intelligent, thoughtful AND also manipulative and gaslighting.

I really fell for him, despite it being such a short time, and he fell for me too. Or so he said.

Yet if someone is manipulative, lies about an addiction and gaslights, can he ever really have loved me at all.

I didn't expect to long for him and to hurt this much. I really thought we had a future together......until I discovered the drinking.

How do I move on?

I forgot to say. I had to speak to him earlier about some stuff, and he sounded absolutely upbeat. Despite telling me that I was the love of his life, that he wanted a future with me and wanted to marry me.

Was it all just bollocks? Is this what alcoholics do?

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, what sort of an example did your parents show you?.

What do you miss about him?. I think you were in love with the idea of love and being wanted/needed rather than an actual person, you need to be wanted by someone else. You did not know him at all really and he has indeed lied to you about his drinking. You would simply have become his emotional crutch. In relationships where alcoholism strongly features, codependency features also.

Love your own self for a change OP. No-one else is going to do that for you.

I would suggest that you find a counsellor to work with and read up a lot more about codependent behaviours (CoDA is worth looking at). You may be codependent and that is not going to help you at all in relationships. You need to make better choices going forward and this is important as well because your child is looking to you as her mother for good judgment and guidance.

He's probably back online actively trying to line up someone else.

And you need to cut all contact with him now. Its not doing you any favours. There is really no good reason for you to be contacting him at all and doing that makes you appear desperate and needy.

my DP is TT, which is great as I don't ever have to deal with a drunken twat. Well done on ending it, though have you said 'contact me again when you have been sober for 1 year'. Though this is up to you.

I am cutting contact now. I needed to get some details from him about something, so I have no reason to contact him now.

I suspect I am codependent in some ways, except the idea of saving someone does not appeal at all. Hence why I ended things with him. I know I couldn't save him and it isn't my job. I really don't want to even try.

It just hurts. I miss our chats, how he made me laugh, our discussions for hours about everything under the sun. I miss his intelligence, his kindness and thoughtfulness. It isn't the idea of being loved at all. I miss HIM!

I have enough love in my life to not need it from elsewhere. I just so happened to fall in love with him. And its him I miss.

Block and delete and keep busy 

Banana - no I haven't said contact me when you have been sober for a year. He doesn't believe he has a dependency. He agrees he drinks far too much, but doesn't think he is addicted. I disagree.

Perverse - I shall have to I think.

Flowers not showing but I did put them on my last comment 

Alcoholics are real people and can often be great guys. But you do not want to live with one because of the bloody drink. So unfortunately he is a no go for that reason not because everything to do with him is vile. So you will miss the good bits but drunkedness you will not miss.

Perverse - thank you.

June - you are right.