He's too into this (in my opinion, but see below) - is that on its own a red flag?

[bakedbeansaintfortea]

NC for this.

Seeing him for 3 months.

I should explain that while I believe he is quite intense, I have become very aloof with men in the last year. I had a run of shit relationships where I gave my all and ended up losing myself. Determined not to do that this time and so my walls are probably higher than most and also, im just pretty happy (if not a little lonely here and there).

Him - he is lovely. Consistent, understanding, very attentive, when he's out he makes a huge effort to stay in contact (i don't ask for this), he wants to see me regularly, in contact throughout the day.

We live about an hour apart, so see each other eat weekends. He has started asking why we are not seeing each other in the week, when he is offering to do the drive to me. I have said i am not ready for that and also that i am busy in the week (work) which means my evenings are often short and i am often tired. Although he has accepted this, he has made clear (not in a threatening or demanding way) that in the future obviously he would expect to see me in the week too. This led to him asking "what did i want" in the future. I got really cross about this, probably more than i should have, and just said i dont know, i am happy with how things are and if they continue this way then great. He then proceeded to apologise and say he shouldnt have mentioned any of this and that i had made regular comments about not moving too quickly and that we should keep the relationship as casual as we can for now - this is true, i do it a LOT, and if i am honest it is a defence mechanism and it may well have the potential to leave someone wondering if i am properly interested. i explained this to him - i think it is better to be honest - and the conversation on the topic ended and we had our usual nice chat.

he is regularly in contact so much so that it is starting to irritate me - if he didnt message me i would message him, but sometimes it feels like i am all he thinks about! i know he is not like this as a person usually because i know some of his friends and he is not a clingy sort with women at all. apparently he just really really likes me.

im starting to get turned off by what i perceive as neediness. but then, i have in the past dated truly awful men who play games, have me wanting them and chasing them etc. this man is not like that at all, and when you speak to him about stuff, he is understanding. the two friends who have met him think he is lovely and caring. and i know me - i am now a very independent person after past relationships. this is a good thing, i know, but am i being a little unfair on him here?

just to add he has a very successful and busy job - so he does have his own life, i just seem to be very important to him quite quickly

It doesn't really matter if he's a lovely guy in every way - if you aren't ready for more meetings etc, then you aren't. Stick to what you're happy with and relax - your needs are as important as his!

It sounds as though you’re finding him a bit suffocating. He may be doing it because past experience has given him the impression that’s what women want - just look at some of the clingy whingeing you hear on this site ! - but I think it sounds as though he’s worth giving a chance to. I would send him an email / message to set your feelings out in a way that is clearer than a conversation might be. I’d probably say something like how much I’m enjoying spending time with him and I’m hopeful about the future but at the same time given past experience I need to take it slowly and that means contact as well as frequency of dates, so would he mind slowing things down just a little bit to give you some time to think.... I might add that I’m aware a lot of women like very frequent messaging, just to make it feel less critical of him personally ....

Something like that maybe ?
I don’t think you’re wrong to want more space, no.

It sounds like he's a little more into you than you are into him. That doesn't mean it can't work, just that you're both at different places mentally regarding your perspective on the relationship.

I don't think it means either of you are wrong as such - you're both entitled to your own thoughts on what pace the relationship is moving at - but you need to have a calm and open conversation about this and maybe make some compromise where you meet in the middle. And if you're not prepared to meet any more than you're currently doing, and are unlikely to for some time, make that 100% clear to him and he can decide whether that works for him or if he needs to bail.

I've been in a relationship where we met twice during the week (2 months in) and also in one where we only met at weekends. It's different for everyone.

I think you're just not that into him.

I can see why you are wary. Would it be so bad to get together mid week, some weeks? Re the messaging I would aim to leave gaps and if he's messaging you, just ignore them for a few hours so you are replying when you're ready.

I think usually at the three month stage in relationships you want to spend every waking moment together so I don't think he's being unreasonable. What is unreasonable is obviously you being made to feel like you should also want the same thing. You don't sound like you like him very much. I would call it a day, you're clearly not really into him.

I don't see any red flag, just that you're at very different stages.

You're not that different to my relationship, he's used to seeing someone a lot, I like my own space. He texts a lot, I can happily be away from my phone all day.

If you don't want to see him in the week that's fine, you're allowed to say no and he doesn't appear to have a problem with that. Equally with the contact just say you're busy today etc, and you'll check in later.

Do you want to pursue the relationship further? I think this is the important issue.

3 months is enough time for him to know if he wants a long and committed relationship with you.

It sounds to me like all he’s after is to know he’s not risking his heart in falling for you if you don’t think that he’s going to be anything more than an amusing distraction.

I can understand why you are wary but don’t let this make you blind or dismissive of his thoughts and feelings.

My last bf was exactly like that - I could have written your post OP. I just didn’t want to move that fast, he did. I tried to explain this, but eventually finished with with him (discovered he lied). He’d already got the next woman waiting in line!

Communication is key here I think in finding out what you both want. If he’s really into you he should be willing to take things slow.

couldn't you just set some parameters about what level of contact by phone you can cope with? 'in contact throughout the day' sounds suffocating, but a quick 'morning, have a good day' - would you be ok with that?

Btw the red flag for me was when he started talking about other women he liked the look of or who fancied me!

Whoops *fancied him

It sounds like he's lovebombing you.

the last relationships that ended terribly were total love bombing at the start.

the sad thing is that i was very much into him, but getting less so with all this contact... is that me going for wrong men though? and ignoring the good ones.

I think before you bin him, it might be an idea to lay your cards on the table and explain to him that you like him and would like to take it very slow. He probably needs to know that you like him and only see him.

Maybe just verify this and just explain to him that due to the past you do not want history repeating itself. Explain your last relationship with him and get his perspective on things. 3 months is middle ground and if you do not get it out of the way now, you might end up losing a good one, you will never know unless you give it a go.

Remember men are never scared of letting a woman know when she is overstepping, so do not hold back.

I think there's nothing wrong with the way either of you are feeling or acting - you just appear to want different things/levels of contact.

It may be that you can find a balance, or it may be that this isn't the man for you.

three months of just weekends is not that much, I think he is being a bit OTT tbh after what...12 weekends..24 days? Still very early days when you think of it in actual time spent together.

and as PP has said, you just are not that into him, if you were, it wouldn't bug you so much

He also seems very keen to move things along...why not just sort something impromptu, an odd day off in the week leading to "oh come round we'll do something!" and see where that goes?