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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH has written 2 letters

17 replies

jenk1 · 19/06/2007 09:24

one to FIL telling him how angry and upset he is with him for not supporting him over his uncle last year and that he considers anyone who socialises with the uncle to be 2faced and a backstabber.
he said FIL is more concerned with getting dodgy deals from uncle than he is about his own sons feelings.
he says FIL never has a good word to say about DH that he always puts him down and he finds the fact that he hasnt been to see the kids for over 3 months disgusting when dd has been in hospital and he is swanning around after a grandchild thats not biologically his.

Next he has written to his sister and said do me a favour, dont ever phone me again all excited to tell me that your son has fell off a trampoline and you think he has developed CP.
you are the biggest attention seeker i have ever met in my life and the fact that you WANT your kids to have disabilities so you can claim DLA is sick, i would give every penny i had if it meant DS and DD werent disabled.
if you want to go crying to daddy thats up to you, he has told both of them to stay away from here.

oh i am in shock, i knew he was angry but not like this.
im frightened that they will come up here and start trouble cos thats what they are like.
i have asked him to think very carefully about sending these letters but his minds made up and who can blame him after what he has been through?

OP posts:

NoodleStroodle · 19/06/2007 09:29

Ooo try to get him to sit on the letters for a few days. He may feel less angry in a few days. Does he really need to write to them? Can he just ignore them?

Frizbe · 19/06/2007 09:30

for you that his family behaviour is necessitating these letters in the first place.

lou33 · 19/06/2007 09:33

it's a great shame that family relations have been strained so much that he feels the need to send them, but tbh i dont blame him

i have done similar and found it very cathartic

as long as it gives him a sense of peace, i think that is the main thing

Original poster

jenk1 · 19/06/2007 09:34

i am trying and still will to get him to calm down.
the last straw came about 10 days ago when his dads girlfriend phoned here and wanted to speak to his dad, he wasnt here, she put the phone down.
he tried to ring his dad to ask him why he was using him as an alibi but his dad wouldnt return his calls.

OP posts:

throckenholt · 19/06/2007 09:34

ask him to leave it 2 days - then reread the letters - rewrite bits if needed - and then send them if he really thinks it is a good thing to do - rather than sending them in the heat of the moment.

Freckle · 19/06/2007 09:36

I think a lot of family problems arise because people don't make their feelings known, just in order to keep the peace. Only it always ends up with the same people keeping the peace and others just doing what they like with no regard for others' feelings.

Your dh may find that just writing the letters has been cathartic and will give him the strength to face up to his family from now on. However, if he feels he has to send them, then let him. I'm sure he is strong enough now to deal with any fall out.

Original poster

jenk1 · 19/06/2007 09:36

meant to add that i think this is the only way he can get some closure on the whole episode, his dad doesnt phone.visit and whenever dh has phoned him just slaggs him off, his sister is the biggest attention seeker/stirer you could meet, she delights in telling tales about him to his dad and then his dad gets on his back for upsetting his sister, not that he,s done anything to upset her -he just doesnt put up with her tantrums.

if it makes him feel better about the whole thing and he said he needs to move on then i totally understand why he is doing it.

OP posts:

lou33 · 19/06/2007 09:40

i can understand that too

say what you need to say then have no more to do with them

Peachy · 19/06/2007 09:45

Personally I'd send them. I would. And I would copy both letters to other family members so they knew exactly waht was said, and not some warped version.

Your poor DH has had nothing but shit from the poeple who are supposed to love, caree and support him. You and he do a amrvellous job with your family and each other in very difficult circumstances, and you just get hammered time and time again by these people.

I know its hard to shut peole out of your life, when DH did it to MIL I felt awful and I still try and get him to make it up from time to time, BUT have recently realised its the first 18 months ever he has been free of depression. And that could have saved his life, he was that ill before.

Can you get away for a few days jenk so you're all not there to take the flack?

Fubsy · 19/06/2007 09:47

Ive read your previous posts about SIL and her desire to have a child with CP - I can understand your DHs feelings.

Maybe he needs to make a break from them to get some peace of mind? They dont sound like the sort of people to take a hint.

But sorry you feel so anxious. Id hate to be "related" to such twonks.

jinxed · 19/06/2007 09:48

I would send them

We had a similar situation where by DH wrote to his mother stating he wasnt happy with the way things were going and her total lack of support and love towards both him and DD1.

IT cleared the air, and she is great now.

Pixiefish · 19/06/2007 09:59

Tell him not to send them Jenk. Reread in a few days and edit. I woudl deffo take out the bit about biology- that could come back to bite him- if your FIL feels strongly about this other child then maybe he also feels that biology doesn't matter.

FWIW- I agree with your dh but do think that for future harmony of your DH he needs to think this through

lou33 · 19/06/2007 10:03

fwiw i called my mil a poisonous fucking witch, to her face, and banned her from seeing my kids

felt bloody great and i havent regretted it for a second

TranquilaManana · 19/06/2007 10:05

boy, if that were all true in my family, damn straight id send those letters. and like Peachy said, id copy and send to others too, just so its all out in the open and no-one can twist the truth.

bloody hell woman, i think youre a saint putting up wth and supporting your family through all that... wow. respect!

warthog · 19/06/2007 10:16

it's great he's written the letters. must be very cathartic, and he needs closure some how. but i would advise him to put them aside for a few days, reread and then decide what to do with them. these sorts of things are best not done in haste, as there's no taking them back.

Original poster

jenk1 · 19/06/2007 10:24

ive got the letters, im telling him that i want him to think about it seriously and we can talk tomorrow.
he is off work tomoz are we were supposed to be at the tribunal thats not going ahead now so ive asked my mum to take ds for the day and she is doing and i will ask him to go out for the day with me and see if that calms him down.

i do think he needs to write to them but not as strongly as these letters are.
also he,s going through therapy at the moment and says he remembers more things and its making him very angry.

i wrote a similar letter to my mum 3 years ago, not as strongly as dh,s but i told her how she had made me feel over the years and we get on great now and its the best thing i ever did.

OP posts:

Peachy · 19/06/2007 10:26

jenk, put them in a big envelope and post abck to yourself. If he stuill wants to send them when they arrive, then he ahs the,

Prevents any sudden anger outbursts

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