Relationship with no trust?

[Mayjames]

Hi, just wanted to see if anyone has had a similar situation or issue with trust and how it worked out. I found out my partner of 10 years has been taking drugs for 2 years behind my back (mainly cocain). I’ve noticed his behaviour and been scared at times with how he’s reaction has been when coming in after being at the pub and therefore asked on a number of occasions, all of which he lies. The hard part is he’s done it around me with our friends and again they’ve all lied about it to me. I’ve alwahs been open and non judgmental on drugs but always made it clear I don’t want to be with someone who takes them regular. It’s all the lies that have really got to me and made me feel betrayed and completely worthless. I don’t trust him and his word at all. He says he’ll stop but I just can’t believe that, Also i caught him with some drugs earlier this year and he promised that would be the last of it. So it’s like he’s already had a ‘second chance’. I don’t know what todo. I’ve been through a lot lately and feel horrible that this has gone on behind my back and the fact he’s continued todo it knowing this. There is a lot more to it of course but this is the gist of it... I just don’t know if I want to go through all this again and with someone whose made it clear through his actions he prioritising himself and drugs.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? And in general with trust, is it just pointless trying now? Just need some advice about such a crappy situation😐xx

No experience of a partner taking drugs but with general trust as you say I strongly believe once it’s gone it’s gone. He’s lied to your face, repeatedly, when he knows how you feel about it and when things have been difficult for you in other ways. That’s horrible and corrosive. You’ll always doubt what he says now because you know he’s lied to you before and you didn’t know or felt something was wrong but couldn’t prove it. That eats away at you. Cocaine use would be a deal breaker for me. So would lying like this.

My ex had always smoked weed, I knew this when we met, and he said he would stop (never did). Many years (2 DC later) he started on hard drugs, cocaine to start and then progressed to crack. He hid this until it became impossible to hide. Thousands of pounds spent, dreadful moods etc etc.

He tried a rehabilitation programme, which I tried supporting him with, but I’d past the point of no return. Two children, mounting debt. The day he hit me because I wouldn’t give him money for a ‘fix’ was the day of reckoning. I phoned his brother and arranged for him to sort him out, which he did, and he left forever a week later.

Heavy drug users are liars, life is cheap.

My advice..get rid. I never looked back..

Yeah, I share your experience.
Although I'm not sure if my partner does it very often. But even atall really has drove me insane. I always told him also it's something I'm totally against in a relationship, people can do what they like with their own bodies but i just don't want to be with someone needs cocaine on a night out. Anyways he told me he took it when he was away at a football match weekend. I was livid at that point... So he reckoned he would never be near it again. But then he produced a bag of it several months down the line out of his pocket? A full bag. He said it wasn't even for him... Which I'm pretty fucking sure was a lie. It was the betrayed feeling also, especially when I had already been dealing with other insecurities and what not else.
I've never had any suspicions of it since, but it definitely is hurtful.

If you have no trust there is no relationship.

Not about drugs, but my partner has had my trust after being a shit bag a number of times. Obviously, I worked hard to trust him again each time, yet here we are again. And there's always an excuse. If you are in a position to do so, leave. That's my advice. Wish I hadn't been so naive years ago, and had someone to give me that advice.

Thank you all, to be honest I think your right, I either leave him and never look back, which I’m a way I think is what’s best or I try and give him another chance which will most likely end in us breaking up anyway, I know this is a negative take on it but I’m just not buying what he’s telling me. He’s put so much on the line and doesn’t even seem to care now. I’ve told him if I give him another chance a lot needs to change on general aswell. He’s never been abusive physically but has been verbally. I just feel like I’m wasting precious time on him and I know that sounds terrible but it does feel that way. The trust is gone and he’s saying he won’t put me in that situation again to need to trust him but I said trust is more than that. Plus I doubt that will happen. It is horrible and corrosive like you say and I honestly feel like giving up on it because it’s so complex. It’s not straight forward to deal with at all. Do you think I should still see the friends who are involved? I feel like I’ve been done over by them
Not telling me and all knowing behind my back. Plus if I stay with him, how can I trust him around them. Ahh so hard. Thank you for all your responses! Xx

I just feel like I’m wasting precious time on him and I know that sounds terrible but it does feel that way

It doesn't OP. It sounds like you're finding your self respect and boundaries and will be making positive steps to extricate yourself from him and this life which is hurting you.

You know you can't trust him. He's already ruined his second chance. It's really hard but you know you can't trust these "friends" either. Are there friends which are only/mostly yours you can spend time with? People who look out for and care for you, rather than covering for their druggy mate?

You're tying yourself in knots and it must be exhausting and a big distraction from everything else in your life. A toxic relationship saps the life out of you, I empathise so much.

Can you picture life without him, skip over the break up bit in your head and imagine life on your own, in your own peaceful happy home, with time to do the things you enjoy, spending time with people who make you laugh and feel good about yourself, with energy to put your all into your own life, feeling optimistic about the future.

When I left my ex I did it terrified about everything, money, where I'd live, losing my friends, never meeting anyone else, everything! I slept on someone's sofa for a bit till I got my own (teeny tiny!) flat and I can't tell you the relief I felt waking up that first morning and knowing I never had to go back. It was like being set free. It also wasn't all easy getting used to living by myself but it was so much better than I'd expected. My sanctuary, my food in the fridge, a pretty duvet cover he'd never have let me buy, enjoying my own company. Change is always scary but sometimes it's the best thing to ever happen to you.

It’s not complicated at all.

Your Bf is not going to change. You know that, I know that and so do 99% of people reading this. So you will spend your life going “through all this again and with someone whose made it clear through his actions he prioritising himself and drugs”.

Or you leave.

You can’t make Him stop.