Do you think a marriage can survive in these circumstances?

[Amelia67]

Together for approx 16 years, married for 14, two DDs both secondary age. No sex for the past few years, still sharing a bed though and still some affection and couple still love each other. The DH cheated a couple of times a few years back but hasn't for a number of years. No real prospect that sex will return to the marriage anytime soon if at all.

Do you think the relationship could survive? Both want to stay married but do you think the scenario as presented will eventually mean the relationship ends?

NC btw, but regular poster. Poo pouffe, gluezilla, small fluffy bundle etc.

Personally, I couldn't stay in a marriage like that. I think I would of left after he'd cheated.

But each to their own, if you're both happy with the current situation, then who am I to judge.

I don’t know. It depends why the dh cheated and if he is the one who wants sex? Doesn’t sound like he is happy with the situation and could be tempted to stray again? This is not the fault of the other partner but I would expect it to happen again if the sex situation doesn’t resolve? Personally I couldn’t trust him again.

Op are you grateful that he has managed to keep his penis in his pants?
Sounds it!!
Ltb and don't look back, he isn't even a friend with that little respect for you.

The DH has accepted the situation. Not happy but is okay-ish about it. He would like sex to return to the marriage but accepts that it won't. He is clear that he doesn't want to cheat again and has no intention of doing that.

Don't know if that's just pie in the sky dreaming though, since he has done it before when there was sex in the marriage. Seems like he has good intentions but a background that suggests otherwise.

This is the marriage of a friend who has asked for advice. She is seeing my posts.

I wouldn't want to stay in that relationship. I'd struggle to trust DH again and a marriage without affection or sex and a lack of trust is not a marriage.

And you imagine he would stay sexless for the rest of his married life? Of course it won't last. Absolutely without a doubt he will cheat again. Will just hide it. The men I know that cheat have done it before. Besides, what kind if relationship is that. You get one life...go live a happy one. Sounds like neither one is truly happy and just living in their safe comfortable life they built. Because it's easy too.

There is a lot of reasons people stop having sex and yes they can stay married. It calls for a lot of communication and caring. Sex isn’t the end all be all.

Mutual agreement isn't the same as due to one side being a cheating tosser...

Why doesn't she want sex anymore?
I think they could stay friends but a husband and wife have sex. It would be unreasonable to force her to have sex but it's also unreasonable to force him not to have sex. I can't see how it can continue as it is.

When the children grow up and leave home will they be best friends who enjoy spending time together? Or be resentful that they are stuck together in retirement?

They are not not having sex due to the cheating, the DW no longer wants to have sex for other reasons. But the history of cheating surely does make future cheating more likely, however the DH feels about that now?

It doesn’t sound like the sex stoped because of the cheating, sounds like one partner lost the desire in general.
If both want to stay together and love each other, but one partner lost the drive completely - the only fair thing to do is to open up the marriage.
Cheating happened and the couple stayed together. Its wrong to punish the other partner indefinitely by withdrawing sex. It’s disproportionate and unfair.

So - no - it wont last. Or it will, if he hides well enough.

Not when the other has reluctantly agreed to it, it's not fair to expect that at all. It will eventually lead to huge problems either through resentment or a 'sex only' relationship elsewhere.

Cheating would be a deal breaker for me, so would a sex ban especially after a bottle of red.

No sex mainly because she has a low sex drive anyway and doesn't have any interest in changing that.

They have a happy home life aside from this, the past cheating is behind them in that respect.

She doesn’t owe him sex. But it’s unfair for her to expect him to never have sex again.
She needs to let him have sex with others, agree on rules and boundaries.
This is the only way they can survive.

Sounds a heavenly situation. Ahem. If she’s happy all gravy. If she’s unhappy get shot. Pedal to the metal. Sex isn’t the be and end all, sure. But it’s kinda nice. Also kinda nice to not have a cheating partner.

Sex isn't the be all and end all for some people but it is for others.

I know my marriage would not survive this. Espacially if it is not due to medical situation or something like that.

If you boil this right down; she has no desire to try and increase her sex drive for the sake of her DH or her marriage; he's had an affair despite the effect on his DW and their marriage. Neither really cares that much, so this is unlikely to survive.

His protests that he won't cheat again are entirely pointless because 1. He did it before; and 2. most people are adamant that they won't have affairs until they do. It comes down to the type of person that you are.

It'd surely be better to negotiate some sort of friendly split under the circumstances; rather than drag this out until it fails.

Sounds like flogging a dead horse to me.
I could not live with someone, love them, etc..... and have no sexual relationship.
Sex is a massive part a relationship for me.
So that in itself would be a deal-breaker.
And if he's getting no sex and there is no chance of any, ever again, then he'll cheat again eventually.

If it’s survived so far of course it can survive. Lots of people are happy to have a housemate / companion and not have proper love for the rest of their lives.
Just depends if your friend is that kind of person. It’s a lot to give up on in life
.

Oh and yes he will have an affair again. 100%

People stay together for a myriad of different reasons which can and do work. It’s just nice to have somebody else in the house versus going out into the mating jungle again. It depends on a number if different factors but I suspect that the vast majority of couples I know prefer to stick with what they have despite all the faults.

Fantastic example to set your kids as how a happy healthy relationship between 2 adults should be.

I can't see how this relationship could ever work. He's already proven that he can't be trusted (even when they were having sex). Given the absence of sex over the last few years, can she be absolutely sure that he hasn't been going behind her back (despite what he says)? I don't think she can expect him to remain faithful, given what she knows already.