Bring the spark back to the relationship?

[Louing]

Has anyone ever felt that the spark between them and their DP has gone? And successfully brought this back?

We both work full time, I work long hours in a proffesional job. DP is self employed, and again works long hours. We have 3DSS who stay one night per week and every weekend.

We use to have a great sex life, but this was before work was so busy and the DSS stayed with us less. We also use to kiss and cuddle and play fight on a daily basis.

In the last few months we haven’t had sex, and kissing and cuddling has kind of gone out the window too. We are stuck in a ROUTINE! Coming home from work, making tea, tidy the house, do paperwork / invoicing etc, and then going to bed shattered. We have taken trips away (6 months ago was the last one), and even then we just mainly use this as an opptunity to catch up on sleep.

I suffer from cold sores, and seem to have one every other week! Which has meant we can’t kiss or be affectionate in that way. I also smoke (bad habit I know) and I know the smell of fags, puts him off. I have also put on a weight gone from a size 8 toned body, to a size 12/14 in the last few years. I know some of these points shouldn’t matter, but I thought they where worth mentioning.

I’ve suggested date nights, but we just haven’t managed to find time, which I know we should. But has anyone got any other suggestions please? I want to try and fix this before it’s too late.

Lost the spark in my relationship too. Interested to read any responses.

Is there any help with the cold sores - does the frequency you're getting them mean you're run down? Is it worth a trip to the docs?

If you've always smoked, presumably it didn't bother him when you got together - or have you restarted? Are you thinking about stopping? Could you vape instead?

It sounds like you need to follow through with the date nights tbh - you're not spending "quality time" together. You could jointly decide to make more effort for each other - to run a bath for the other/bring home takeaway, turn off the screens for the evening and play a game or something?

I think being tired and run down is sparking the cold sores. That and I’m also full of a cold, which is a long term sinus problem. But they do seem to be getting more frequent.

I’ve always smoked, but I’ve known from the start he hated it. I’ve thought about quitting and want to. But then when I’m stressed out by little things, and worried (like this situation), I can’t seem to quite bring myself to do it, as it’s my chill out.

Dates is what we need, but it’s finding things we can do that are fun and bring the smiles and spark back. We go out for tea already a lot on our own, but this is mainly because we can’t be bothered cooking, or the food shop hasn’t been done. I always have a bath run for him, tickle his back when he’s falling asleep, and he regularly gets us a takeaway and we watch a film. But nothing seems to bring the “spark” back.

But watching a film together isn't very sparky - it's more fall asleep on the sofa-y - that's why I suggested switching off the screens and playing a game.

I agree with category. Does he have to have DSS every weekend? Could he postpone them coming until a Saturday once a month so that once a month you can get dressed up, go out and have a few drinks/ flirt etc?

I think that may be a part of your problem. You’re shattered because of work during the week and then when the weekend comes and you could go out together, or with friends and get dressed up and just relax and have a laugh...you have children to take care of. Can’t be helped I know but I would look at keeping one Friday night free a month just for you two. No TV, no scoffing aload of junk food on the sofa or even out, just be a bit more ‘datey’ about stuff.

Thank you for your responses!
I think date nights are what’s needed. I’m think something like bowling, skiing, Ice skating? As he loves sports and is very competitive.

The struggle is breaking this routine, and finding time. We can’t change the access arrangements for the DSS as his ex is quite difficult. Currently we the DSS wed, fri, sat, Sunday. we can’t also find a babysitter as his family dont live near by, and my family have their own children and their partners work away. We could get a childminder one night a month, but as they are young SC, I would be worried, and don’t know how the EX would take this?

Has anyone come back from this situation? And relighted the spark?

You really need to twerk the child access arrangments. It's not fair that every w/e is taken up by the kids. Can't you alternate? I'm guessing his ex is maybe a SAHM so it probably works brilliantly for her, every w/e off! Or maybe look into some professional/reliable babysitters so you can have at least one night off at the w/e.

Yes she is a SAHM, so this arrangement is great (for her). We are loosing the Wednesday night access, in a few weeks fine once the DSS swimming lesson changes. We’ve had no choice but to do this, as they live 1hour 20minutes away now since she moved to her new partners home. So having them in the week isn’t practical anymore for our working arrangement, or the DSS. That’s why full weekends where agreed. She claims she works Saturday / Sunday? But we have our reservations.

Think this is where the problem lies, and has begun. As before this we use to enjoy weekends away, date nights on a Saturday and use to have time for our own social lives without the guilt of leaving the other at home with the DSS. (Obviously more on DP part).

I just don’t see an easy way of fixing this without going through a solicitor, as she is very unreasonable when it comes to time. Plus her partner has 2DC and they only have a small house, they come to theirs every weekend, as that’s his formally arranged access. So the DSS have to be with us, as their isn’t room for them all to sleep.

Could you move closer to them? I don't honestly agree with the suggestion access should change to allow you couple-time.

Surely something else could give, like your dp looking at ways of working smarter than these extended hours / looking at your own working pattern.

I think you need to take care of your health OP - if you're gaining weight and getting lots of colds and cold sores, your body is telling you that it's a bit run down and needing better care. Maybe a few small things to make changes in this area?

As to dates: DH and I have a young daughter, so going out requires extra planning and expense. Instead of this we sometimes have "dates" in our kitchen after DD goes to bed - we buy lots of cheeses we like, good bread, a bottle of bubbly, and just sit and talk and eat. It's much cheaper than a night out and a really great way to re-connect.

Hi OP - I’ll also suggest something else - often we become enmeshed in each other following children and stop seeing our partner as someone with agency and choices outside of us. We can feel stifled by the ever present familiarity in which there is none of the mystery or uncertainty that fuels that ‘spark’. So as well as arranging time together- arrange time apart. And try to see your partner as someone who still needs to find you attractive rather than someone who needs your attention (and vice versa). Hope that helps?

Thank you for the responses...

Category - the option of moving closer isn’t feisbable, as this would have a high impact on our work. It’s also an area we don’t want to live and wish the DSS didn’t live there, we are hoping this is a “passing” relationship and the EX will see sense and move back closer. As she’s moved quick, and from what we gather is generally unhappy there but trying to “prove a point”

I’m going to book a GP appointment about the cold sores. Ones just popped up again this evening, 2days after another one cleared. :(

Dadaist: thanks for the suggestion, I’ve suggested this evening that he does his thing one night per week. He loves sport, so a football game here and a game of pool there might help break the routine, and bring some lust back. I’m going to maybe go swimming / friends for coffee another night in the week. This leaves us one night for “ paper work” and another which we could possibly use to go on dates. This will mean having to cram more work in other times, but I’ve suggested working the odd time here and there on Saturday and taking it in turns to look after the DSS. Yes this sacrifices family time, but without this spark we might not be a family, and there is always Sunday.