DH in a midlife crisis

[Dragonheart]

Help.

Dh appears to be going a midlife crisis (at 35). He hates what he does (he's an accountant) but feels trapped (money committments, etc...). I'm willing to try anything to make him happy - if it involves moving to another place (or another country, which was an option discussed) I'll be prepared to do it. I just don't know what to suggest to him to make things better.

Has anyone out there got any great ideas on how to change his/our life? He just needs to do something different - he's at the stage where I think he'll try anything (besides accountancy which he now detests with a passion).

It's really getting me down, all he seems to do at the moment is moan about his situation instead of doing something about it!

Hi, Dragonheart,
Sorry you seem to be going through such a difficult time at the moment. My initial reaction to your post is that although you can support your d.h. and be prepared to change your circumstances etc. only he can truly change himself. If he feels he needs a change of direction, then he must take the initiative: moaning and taking his frustrations out on you are not particularly construcive and he must begin to realise this. I know that some men do find this a difficult time: I recently discussed these sort of issues with my own d.h. as he really needed to get out of a rut at work, although it was the senior management team which was causing problems rather than the field of work itself. He ended up changing employers and we moved country (we were already living abroad) but only after a lot of soul searching and self-analysis as to the cause of his 'crisis'!

In our case, it was purely work circumstances which led to his frustration, not personal issues. Is this the case with your d.h. or is there more to it? A total change of direction can be a very positive thing IMO, but it can also cause a lot of heartache and worry re money/ financial committments etc. It sounds like you both need to sit down and have a VERY honest talk with each other about what you BOTH want from life: you say you will do anything to make your husband happy but what about you? If he (to take an extreme example) decided that he wanted to backpack around the world, living from day to day until he 'discovered himself', would you honestly be happy with this?

Talk to him, without kids around, about his and your hopes and fears for the future, even make lists if it helps. I'm sure lots of other mums will have more useful suggestions, but these are my initial feelings. Essentially, we all have to take responsibility for our own happiness. Good luck

Dragonheart, no answers I'm afraid, just lots of sympathy. Your posting rang a bell with me - my dh is 35 and seems to be feeling a bit like your dh at the moment. My dh used to love his job, he earns good money, gets on well with his work colleagues, and works for a very good company, but now he's feeling that he's not doing anything that he really enjoys any more. We have talked quite a lot about this. I've said to him that I'll back him whatever he decides to do, but that he has to remember that we have two small children and a mortgage, and that my job is not secure. This means that any decision he makes has to be a well-considered one, not a knee-jerk reaction to the current circumstances. I know that he wouldn't be happy if he couldn't meet his obligations to us; however if it is necessary we can live on less money, move to a smaller house etc - as long as we are pulling together.

It sounds to me as though your dh is miserable and confused - maybe he needs to talk to someone impartial, like a life coach or something, who can help him get a realistic perspective on his life and his options? It's good that you and he talk, but sometimes a wife or friend is too close to really help with objectivity. He needs to give himself time and space to make a good decision, to be proactive rather than reactive (otherwise it could be out of the frying pan into the fire). My advice (and maybe I should get my dh to take it too) would be for him to find someone outside the situation to help him sort out what he really wants and doesn't want out of life, so that he can make good, positive decisions.

Hey guys... my DH went through this a little while ago and is noew going to leave the city and retrain as a primary school teacher . Crazy at 38 perhaps but somehow it suddenly didn't seem worth commuting, never seeing the children etc anymore. He used to love his job but I think he couldn't face anther 30 years or thereabouts. he was v depressed before this decision and now hes got a goal its much better. Don't know if it hepls but...