What did you discuss with your DP before moving in together?

[PurplePlumGreenJar]

DP and I have decided to move in together (my child and I moving in to his home). Our relationship is great, he's a lovely man, very kind and supportive. Our children get along well.

After a challenging relationship with STBXH, I want to make sure we're in sync when it comes to how we hope our lives together to be like.
I'm coming up to the end of divorce proceedings so I'm very aware that few things in life are set in stone. But I think it will give me piece of mind to have at least discussed things like:
will we have more children (we're both on the fence for the same reasons);
how to split bills (he earns a lot more and I'll lose child benefit, etc so we'll each pay in proportion to our earnings and what I can afford).

What else should we talk about and how should I approach it with him? I'm not sure he appreciates how vulnerable I feel giving up mine and my DC's home but I don't want to come across as a damsel in distress either.

Did you have a conversation like this before moving in together? What did you discuss? How did your partner react?

(name changed, don't want to out myself)

I think a key one will be the role he takes in parenting, or not parenting your child OP. Maybe think of some scenarios to discuss.

It's a completely different experience to live together with children than just long stays in each other's houses and holidays together.

I'd also think on a trial period and keep your place if you can for a good few months in case you realise it's a mistake both emotionally and financially.

Also good to bring up a few dealbreakers for you which can seem small now but can roll into big issues - division of housework etc

Sorry to sound on a downer there, but I'm just trying to stress caution.

Otherwise I hope it works well.

Hmm, it was a little the reverse for me as I was moving into my girlfriend's place.

I'm not sure we discussed things so much as our dating process was like an extended interview. How I thought about child discipline. My opinion on prostitution. Even subtle little inquires into how housework was divided between me and my ex.

Didn't really think much of it at the time, just enjoyed the conversations (and since we were well matched in things it was 'nice' being in agreement.) It was only after I'd moved in and reflected that I realised how firmly she'd ensured that I would fit correctly into hers and her daughter's lives. If I'd run a mile at the questions, that was better than finding out later.

Finances were tricky. She wasn't keen, on principle, with me paying for the girl's costs - school, clothes, etc. But it was simply a ballache to divide our outgoings with that in consideration. Plus their dad wasn't at the time in a position to contribute and it seemed madness that we'd sit there with the girls going without things while I sat on a surplus of cash.

Kids - The one thing that was certain. No more. Not negotiable. She was adamant there would be no more, and I was ok with that. Initially I loved being their 'step-dad' (the eldest came out with it one day, we'd NEVER used the word or referred to me as such) so much that it was enough.

That was a couple of years ago, and we were certain. Our daughter will be born in April. The girls are absolutely delighted and ask every day how big the baby is now (pomegranate sized apparently.)

So... it's good to agree, but things change

I do think the morals were the big issue though. Her ex believed that "the majority of prostitutes were just college girls enjoying getting some spare cash" - don't think I'd have gotten this gig with the same answer :)

Thanks Mick, you're not being a downer - this is exactly the kind of thing I want to make sure I'm aware of and we talk about. He's a great father and our parenting styles complement each other. He's stricter than me but that's not a bad thing I like the way he interacts with my son and my son enjoys his company

I like how you describe your extended interview process NewLevels I feel like we've done something similar and like you we're well matched but there comes a point where it becomes apparent what you're really asking
And yes finances could be tricky: I don't want him to feel responsible for subsiding us and end up resenting us but I also don' want to end up struggling financially when my partner buys designer clothing.... Your girlfriend's ex has the same morals as mine [vom]

Finances are the main one then, and always a little delicate.

What are the ages and arrangements with your respective kids? I'm guessing you'll have primary responsibility for your's but what of his?

Only because one thing I see on the Step-Parenting board a lot is that often because the man's kids are only there EoW or so, he has a tendency to go easy on them with discipline, while harsher discipline is maintained with the resident kids.

I think it's wise just to clear with him that if your kids are there more, they do NOT get made to feel that the visiting kids get more leeway.
Assuming you and him have similar parenting ethics it shouldn't be problem to maintain one set of core rules that applies to all children in the house.

I understand being on the fence about more kids - I guess how well it works out with the current batch blending will clear the fog a bit there :)

Where will everyone sleep as there are often discussions her on bedrooms if one dc is not always there.
Housework??
What security you will have going forward if you give up your house?
Relationships with exs since they will be around at pick ups/ parties etc..same with dcs other grandparents and families

Watching with interest..... agree once once bitten twice shy! I would think about, what might life look like if one (or all) of the kids lived with you full time, due to unforeseen circumstances.

Have you been together long enough, how have you dealt with problems so far?

Inheritance, equity, life plans, retirement.

Do you own a home or rent? Does marriage feature in your plans (if you are thinking of more dc that would be a pertinent question).

What's your situation at the moment with housing? Do you rent or do you have a mortgage? What would happen to housing if you split up? (I would feel very vulnerable giving up my house.)

We hardly discussed anything when we moved in together but we were young and had no dependants. I think you should discuss:
Your hopes for the relationship - is marriage a possibility or not?
Money, work. All cards on the table, debt, savings, pensions etc.
What happens if times get hard - are you in it together?
Wills -are you leaving things to each other or ring fencing all / some for the children?
Red lines - hitting children, porn, dishonesty??
Religious beliefs and values.
What happens if the relationship breaks down, e.g. Housing, seeing each others children.
Maybe you should get a pre nup or some type of relationship agreement if you are giving up your home to move in.