Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Entitled DH

26 replies

justilou1 · 07/11/2018 13:10

Forgive me - this could be long.
When I met DH I was the breadwinner. I was travelling with work, I was independent and I was happy. Of course we compromised when I got pregnant, and his career took off and we travelled with that, etc.... I think you know where this is going.

We are from Australia. We moved interstate, away from family - Not that we had any help from them anyway. We then moved overseas - for nearly nine years. He loved his job there. He made brilliant friends, travelled to exiting places - especially during the school holidays, when I had to stay at home with the kids most of the time because we didn't actually earn enough money to enjoy living overseas and take the holidays that moved us to this country in the first place.... I met quite a few people, but of course expats move around a lot, and the country we lived in didn't really socialise much with foreigners. It was lonely, but I put a positive spin on it until one year when he was away for 20 weeks for work and couldn't wrap his head around to being back home. I refused to sign the extended work visa and had all our passports and birth certificates, bank stuff at a friend's place packed up ready to go back unless we went back into counselling, where I heard what a great guy he was for providing this life for me. He also had resentment because I was refusing to find work - which the visa didn't allow, and his hours and travel didn't take into consideration, etc. Counselling was great and it saved our marriage and we stayed for a few more years. Then two years ago we moved back to another city in Australia and I loved it there, but his job didn't work out - not his fault, but my inheritance supported us while we were paying INSANE rent and living costs, etc. He now has another job in a city I loathe. Financially it is a good move and I understand why we are living here. However, we are living in an area which has shitty public transport to the school our two daughters go to. It is nearly an hour each way in nearly 40 degree heat, which I consider to be untenable and through really dodgy areas. Our son has a much easier way to school, so it's no problem. Now I am trapped again doing the fucking school run - and he signed a fifteen month lease. His standard answer to any problem that he doesn't want to think about is "It'll be alright." This is his code for "You sort it out". I am so sick and tired of facilitating everybody else's life at my own expense. I want and need to get out and work before I turn into a flipping potato. To top this off, this fucking stupid house has no storage and no dishwasher. BUT oddly enough - it is right between his two best friend's houses. I wonder what was priorities he had when he was looking at houses while I was helping the kids finish up at their schools last term??? Oh, did I mention that he's joined the old baseball club that he played in when he was a kid - and signed our son up? Guess when they train? Wed, Thurs, Fri. They play Sat & Sun. Who has to organise the girl's things for these days then? He's now decided he's going to be on the fucking committee. When was this discussed? (Oh yes, his job still involves a shitload of travel, and antisocial hours......). I'm so fucked off that he has no concept of any of the sacrifices I have made for him. I'm this close to walking and leaving him with the kids to deal with. Do you know why? I dared to make a comment about the city. I may not have been as enthusiastic about this house as he is. In fact the more enthuses, the more I realises he knows I'm underwhelmed. I'm not a fucking Stepford Wife at all. The more I write this, the more I realise how resentful and hurt I am. When he gets back from his latest trip away - and the resultant ego boost - he's in for a shock. Any advice would be awesome.

OP posts:
Olderbyaminute · 07/11/2018 15:35

He’s a prize SOB isn’t he? Honestly I think you should get a job and then separate. I say this because he sounds very abusive and controlling in what you’ve posted. I’ve just moved for second time here in the US for my husband’s career as he was main earner and I had great part time nursing jobs I had to resign but my husband appreciates me but believe me even in a good relationship we had a very rough patch this move and I seriously considered divorce. Best of luck

Cawfee · 07/11/2018 16:14

Wow. He’s really managed to engineer your lives to be exactly what he wants hasn’t he? I’m in exactly the same position and can’t believe I’m now living almost opposite his brother while my friends and family are all hours away! I’m so annoyed with myself for allowing this to happen. We are at the point of separation because I’m so unhappy. I think you should do what makes you happy. Move back to where you want to live. He sounds completely selfish and self absorbed.

mummmy2017 · 07/11/2018 16:21

Could you get a flat with the girls, near their schools and work Monday to Friday..

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 07/11/2018 16:25

Get a job and LTB, not much to stop you OP. At the moment your one and only life is spent running around like a blue arsed fly making sure this entitled cunt has things exactly how he likes them. Fuck that.

Cawfee · 07/11/2018 16:40

I reckon you should do what you can to get your career and your ego back. Tell him it’s his turn to take on the childcare brunt.

LizzieSiddal · 07/11/2018 16:55

I can’t believe what I’ve just read. He’s got absolutely no consideration for you and your wants/needs.

I couldn’t live with someone who thought so little of my needs. As another poster said, rent a flat near your dds’ school and find some work. I’m not sure what you do with your son though!

DownTownAbbey · 07/11/2018 17:12

refused to sign the extended work visa and had all our passports and birth certificates, bank stuff at a friend's place packed up ready to go back unless we went back into counselling, where I heard what a great guy he was for providing this life for me. He also had resentment because I was refusing to find work - which the visa didn't allow, and his hours and travel didn't take into consideration, etc. Counselling was great and it saved our marriage and we stayed for a few more years.

This doesn't make sense. Your counsellor saved your marriage by telling you to be grateful to this selfish prick?

Walkacrossthesand · 07/11/2018 17:22

Does your visa allow you to work, now? What are the respective ages of daughters and sons - could son change schools to be near DD's school, and you rent and get a job near there so you live there mon-fri, come back at weekends if you still want to? After all, you're functioning as a single parent already - might as well set it up to be convenient to you!

justilou1 · 07/11/2018 23:17

Sorry ladies - it was late and I was upset. (I am in Australia so the times are arse about...)
It wasn't the counsellor telling me how great he was. (She was awesome...) It was HIM. She actually sat there with her mouth open like me and waited then watched when I let rip.... I think it's time I book in with another counsellor.
Or go. Here's the thing.

I've been unhappy for a long time. There are logical reasons for parts of this unhappiness which have nothing to do with him as well, and I am doing things about it. However, I feel like he is using that as a "Get Out of Jail Free Card" for the marriage side of things. So all of my unhappiness is entirely my responsibility and I should probably be bounding about like an ecstatic Labrador just because I am lucky enough to be in his presence.
I am entirely over carrying the entire mental load for the whole family and remembering the dog's medication - different dosages, twice daily, then a monthly flea, tick & worm thing, then trips to the vet to get prescriptions for her. Then the kid's various schedules, etc...... Then decisions made that affect my life, ie the fucking baseball - with no consultation or consideration whatsoever.

As well as this, he has been buying a heap of gym equipment for a business that I have a sneaking suspicion he thinks I am going to be running at this delightful (smelly and un-airconditioned, btw) baseball club and it is cluttering up my house downstairs at the moment, and as it stands there is no written agreement about WTAF is happening with this fucking equipment. I am going out of my head here.

OP posts:
MixedMaritalArts · 08/11/2018 01:43

Do you have a family car ?

justilou1 · 08/11/2018 03:43

Yes - 2 - and I actually own, insure and maintain both of them. Interesting scenario.

OP posts:
justilou1 · 08/11/2018 03:47

He is away until Sunday and I have sent him an email. I said as we are unable to talk (because he is so terribly busy and I am stuck at home with sick kids.) I would like him to book an appointment with a marriage counsellor of his choosing for a time that suits him that allows for school pickup (of course - sigh) and I will be there. I will have a list prepared.

OP posts:
pallasathena · 08/11/2018 06:31

I'd suggest stepping back by prioritising your needs. Sort out a job for yourself, a regular schedule of gym/library/manicure, whatever suits you personally. Hire a cleaner to take some of the domestic load, give the kids pocket money jobs to do on a regular basis - teach them the value of stuff and that you are not just that someone who does everything for everyone else.
Chuck out all your clothes/make-up and invest in a new look for yourself and just make yourself not as available....learn to say NO! loud and clear without stopping to explain or apologise. Learn to VALUE yourself OP because if you don't......no-one else will.
Honestly, if you don't step back and prioritise your own wellbeing you are going to end up having a nervous breakdown.

Sally2791 · 08/11/2018 07:39

He sounds hideous and he has completely planned YOUR lives to suit HIM and him alone. Entitled doesn't begin to describe him. Good luck with any counselling,he sounds like an arch manipulator. Get a job and do stuff for yourself and say NO to him .You must put yourself first now

justilou1 · 08/11/2018 08:34

He is oblivious. And I must say I have played my part as well. (To a point.) BUT - he can see I am increasingly unhappy and is simply looking elsewhere for reasons why. Every time I try and bring things up, he is dismissive - ie - I discussed the girl's public transport, and his answer was "Well get them to talk to XXX (Who lived outside the city on a farm, btw) - He travelled an hour and a half to school each way every day." A) That was 25 years ago when it really was totally another world in this city. B) He's a guy - it shouldn't make a difference, but it does. C) Why the fuck is that relevant?

OP posts:
MixedMaritalArts · 08/11/2018 14:29

Approach landlord about them installing dishwasher plumbing, if it’s a no, ask, would they agree if you pay? I agree sending anyone out in 40 degree heat for that time and purpose is verging on abuse!
The whole “she’ll be right ! ‘ attitude is because YOU make it right, he’s blind to this ( maybe a point for counselling ) have you seen the magic coffee table sketch ? It’s that level of knobbery imo. m.youtube.com/watch?v=-_kXIGvB1uU

justilou1 · 09/11/2018 01:06

This is so fucking true - it's almost painful.

OP posts:
MixedMaritalArts · 09/11/2018 01:32

Have an unMumsnetty hug ... it is comi/tragic that skit. Grin Go stick flyers from local self storage units and men with vans on the gym equipment when you pass them . Is one of his mates is your Landlord? Keep on keeping on ! Flowers

justilou1 · 09/11/2018 04:33

The emailed replay has inspired both fury and despair. It was full of “I deserve....”
FFS....
All I wrote was “I have been trying to speak with you for such a long time and you will not hear me. Please can you organise an appointment with a marriage counsellor for a time that suits you, that still enables school pickup and drop off and hopefully we will be able to communicate effectively there.”
Honestly am wondering what the point is....

OP posts:
KeiTeNgeNge · 09/11/2018 05:02

Is one of the things he deserves a session with a marriage counsellor?

TheSandgroper · 09/11/2018 05:42

Your post rang a few bells for me. This is from last week.
m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=2060199744027759&id=418382174876199

justilou1 · 09/11/2018 06:05

@Sandgroper - Holy crap!

OP posts:
bubbles108 · 09/11/2018 06:11

With the greatest respect, @justilou1 - why are you bothering with counselling?. He isn't going to change. Sort the finances and somewhere to live and get out with the kids.

WitchyMcWitchface · 09/11/2018 06:21

It's no good complaining about the girls' commute unless you can come up with a solution. So find a better house nearer their school and prepare a move. Then discuss with DH.
You don't say the girls ages, is the commute going to be for years or what.
I was a very angry and frustrated wife but I realise that I was partly blaming DH for stuff I couldn't face fixing myself such as finding the courage to train for an enjoyable career.
I think you need to concentrate on yourself for a bit to work out what your priorities are (not what you want him to change about him) and then work out how to achieve them . At the moment you are blinded by anger at his treatment of you (understandably) and that will stop you moving forward to what will give you a fulfilled life.

TheLastNigel · 09/11/2018 06:22

I was in a similar position in my first marriage. (Although there were other issues alongside that helped to do for us in the end). I just got to the point where I was mentally and physically exhausted and having to watch my then h skip out of the door to his overseas work thing, or watch him Walk in at 7.30 and moan that id been cross he was late back with zero understanding from him and I was just ended up sort of internally screaming all the time.
He just couldn't and wouldn't see it no matter how much I said it or at one point how clearly knackered I was (I got very physically ill one Christmas and there was an element of him tutting about it that really upset me-(he had just been away for three months leaving me with a full time job myself, two under 4 at the time, Christmas to sort out,no nearby family support and a house move to complete alone) and all I heard about at the time was how great his work was going.
It was just a very lonely place to be for me and I couldn't live like that for the rest of my life.
We are now divorced and the same issues come into play occasionally in terms of how he swaps about his nights with our kids to suit him and his social or work life, and how he literally cannot see anyone else's point of view without being massively condescending when he isn't agreed with on stuff about the kids. The difference now being that I can walk away from it and remind myself that actually I am valuable and I do have a say. It's like a weight has been lifted.

Swipe left for the next trending thread