Emotional affair without contact

[Issy777]

This may sound like a silly question but I need more insight before I make any rash decisions: what if your partner was having the EA at work?

Example - he spends all his lunchtimes/breaks with ow- going out for lunches together, having in-depth convos, they have each other's numbers but prefer not to text whilst st home probably in fear they'll be called Upon it (other woman is married)

Also, they go away on work trips together so they will have more time to socialise etc

Would you class this as an emotional affair?

If he is spending more time thinking about her and contacting her than he is about you, then yes he is having an emotional affair.

If they work away together, then they have possibly already crossed the line beyond emotional affair.

@skyesayshi

See that's what my mind is telling me but I've made two separate posts about it before on MN without mentioning 'EA' and was blasted for it saying I was being paranoid and that it was normal for colleagues to spend lunch together or socialising when away

The only difference is in my eyes it's an EA. But can't be sure as it's very delicate subject

But it is normal to go for lunch and socialise whilst away. What makes you think it is an EA?

If the contact is hidden then I would class it as EA. Things like mentionitis, hiding the phone, sleeping with the phone, not letting your partner near your phone when previously it wasnt a problem, being unhappy if they don't see the other person, texting nonstop and hiding it all from your partner.

I would class an emotional affair as a non-physical affair, meaning that they haven't actually had sex yet but they are in constant contact and have crossed the line beyond friendship.

It can be worse than a normal affair though, as they are pouring their hearts out to somebody else, getting sympathy from them, and being made to feel wonderful by them. It is no wonder that they then often turn against their partners.

What are your concerns?
What do you know, about them, as a fact?
If they just chat, that is fine. What do they chat about? How much time do they spend together? What about it bothers you? What does he think of her? How does he see her?

That's not necessarily an affair - it could just be a friendship!

I was on one of your previous posts I think if I remember rightly the issue then was your dh working away and you not wanting him to have dinner with his colleague. Which to me doesn’t class as an emotional affair.
What makes you think they are having an emotional affair?
To me it would be texting emailing constantly about none work issues and him hiding it or deleting messages

I used to work vet closely with my old boss, used to travel away for weeks at a time, dinners out every night just the two of us. Long chatty conversations on the phone and texts / emailsin the day. Generally not much in evenings.

Never in a million years was something untoward happening though!

Again, OP?

Thanks for everyone's replies. So here are the FACTS. Please feel free to tell me IABU?

. They spend every lunch and break together, they are on the same team but there's 8 of them and it's only my so and ow that spend lunch together - he has said that in his words that was at the 'start' of their friendship
*

• he offloads on her a lot about me/relationship. I challenged him on this and he said it's cos we were in an argument at the time and he was with her n she was asking what was up so basically told her about a argument we were having that in my eyes was quite personal! She also ALWAYS complains about her husband. He tells me this like* * said her husbands a dick" kinda thing

Has told her personal stuff about me which I'm not comfortable with. When I told him this he said he would t do it again. But who knows?* *

Mentions her randomly, for example we saw some huskies and he said* ** is getting a husky. She had only told him on a whim as it turned out she didn't get one so things like this he pays a lot of attention to detail about her?

And that's all really. I do have a* Tendency to be paranoid as I've been cheated on before. I dunno if this classed as the start of EA or an actual EA it does confuse me slightly

All they talk about is none work issues! And that's out of the horses mouth, I think when their friendship started my so did tell me a lot cis it was probably innocent but as times gone on he tries to avoid talking about her or has classic mentionits

Hi @Musti

Ok so where would you draw the line on friendship for it to be an emotional affair?!

They could easily just be friends. But then again maybe not. It's hard to tell. Nothing sounds like a dead cert for an EA.

The talking about your relationship with her is a bit off, but you do sound like you could Be paranoid about this. If so, then the insinuations and accusations against him may be driving him away and to a friend to confide.

Not texting at home you're assuming if them trying to be sly. But maybe they genuinely do just realise that it's inappropriate to text (a lot) whilst with their Dp's/outside of work?

How long have you been worried about this woman for? When did this friendship start?

Actually, that's probably relevant. What feelings on this relationship have you made known to him?

Betrayal in a relationship is classed as behaviour you wouldn't want your So to discover, ie, inappropriate texting, secret meetings, conversations, physical contact, etc. Does he go out of his way to delete/ hide anything regarding his work colleague? If it was reversed and you were having as close a work relationship with a man as he seems to be having, would be he happy about it?

@Mousey765

Yes exactly! That's why I get so confused with EA.
I think it doesn't help that me and so we're really good friends before we became a couple! So that's in my mind as well,

He joined this job three years ago and was on a team of 8 I started noticing details such as him saying him and *suzy were going subway together, but he'd say throw away comments like "the others smoke" so that's why it's me and her going or "the others are boring and wanna just go gym so me and Suzy go subway

It’s really hard to say based on the information you have. Plenty of people have friendships at work and will pick that individual to spend time with in preference to other people on the team - so that bit’s normal. Telling someone private information is out of order if he knows that you don’t want it discussed but generally friends do discuss issues in their relationships. So be pissed off about being indiscreet but again doesn’t necessarily prove their entire relationship is inappropriate. Have you actually met this woman? Is he happy for you to meet them for drinks after work for example or does he keep her separate ?