Letting go of cheating accusations.

[youdontknowme]

So, this probably sounds pathetic because even I think it's somewhat pathetic.
Several years ago ..yes YEARS, a girl approached me in a nightclub ( a girl that doesn't like me because her boyfriend had a thing for me something that obviously wasn't in my control ) and told me that she was told "my partner cheats on me all the time", she told me not to tell him that she told me that. ( Don't know why because she doesn't know my partner really) so anyways when I asked her wellllll ammm why are you saying this? She said "my bestfriend karen said it to me on the phone one night". My partner was in the club to and obviously I asked him at the time, he denied it and confronted the girl that told me that. So the next morning as Karen wasn't in the club, I thought I would message her to see what she had to say about this and why she supossedly said what she said, and she responded with.... I can't even remember what I said and sure forget about it you are practically married you are with each other so long and all this other shit. But never really answered my question.... Why was it said that he cheats on me all the time???? Obviously this would leave me so paranoid and curious especially not receiving any reasons to why anyone would say something like that? In the end up Karen denied ever even saying it atall, however I was told from another source that she 100% did. I've always felt since that I never had any clearance on the subject? My partner obviously always denied it, but I'm the sort of person that holds on and can't let go until I know why I've been told in the first place if it's not true?

Not sure if that's hard to follow, it was hard to type lol but if anyone has any guidance to know how to let go of a situation please do. This really has played on my mind now for way too long. I know it is abnormal but I really do struggle in being convinced unless I have a good reason of why someone would say something so hateful without giving me examples.

Do you have any reason to doubt your partner other than this? Sometimes people get involved in relationships to be spiteful and jealous - they know exactly what they are doing.
Does this bother you more than it should because on some level you already don't trust him, or is it more of an anxiety thing?

@Hadenoughnow22 , the thing is I NEVER had any doubts about my partner before, he even had worked away from home previously to that incident (Australia) for months and never once did I feel like I had any trust issues, I do suffer from anxiety also, so maybe could be the reason I am so worked up and do struggle coming to terms with things. The thing is I know the girls that said it are real bitches and twisted. But can't help but wonder, why me :/ . You are right though maybe some people don't actually need a reason, I have tormented my partner though since, I've accused him of cheating constantly, I don't leave him alone. I am pushing him away 😶.

@Hadenoughnow22 thanks for responding 🤗

Things like this are tough because they sow a seed of doubt in your mind that can take on a life of its own. I would say, if you'd trusted your partner up until now, then it's just jealous mean girls trying to cause trouble. Perhaps they are jealous of your trust and security and happiness and thus wanted to undermine that. It may be anxiety and the anxiety is something you can work on. As you say, if you accuse your partner of things that aren't true, you will push him away. Trust is one of the foundations of a relationship and without it a relationship cannot exist. Hopefully your partner is understanding and will support you through this.

What you're doing to your partner is abuse. You have no rational reason to suspect him - just a girl you freely say doesn't like you chatting rubbish. But, on the back of that, you've "tormented" your partner with constant accusations of cheating. For years.

That isn't just "abnormal". It's emotionally abusive. Get therapy.

As for your partner - to be honest, if it were him asking for advice, I'd be advising him to leave you. Constant accusations and suspicion is exhausting, and wears a person down. It affects their confidence and their independence. He deserves better.

Years ago my dd had two friends, friend A and friend B. For some reason unknown to either me or dd, friend A told friend B that I thought friend B was a liar and that I didn't like her.

Friend B is now 20 and still genuinely believes I dislike her, she has never come to our house, and always refuses lifts etc. She's really nice and a good friend to dd, and it saddens me that a deliberate lie from A all those years ago is still remembered.

What I'm trying to say OP, is that some people enjoy shit stirring for their own amusement, and like to stir up trouble for other people. They will make stuff up (often by saying "X told me" or "X said..."), but you will never ever get them to admit they did it.

It was a long time ago, and as is so often the case with liars, they won't be able to remember what they actually said. So please, after all these years, let it go.

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad

really? well I wouldn't say I emotionally abuse him, that's a bit extreme...

I do know though that if the shoe was on the other foot, I probably wouldn't have stayed with me either to be fair.
I'm surprised he has also, I haven't forced him to stay with me like at the end of the day, but I 100% agree that it is absolute torture. I told him back ages ago that something that would settle my mind would be a lie detector test, he said he would do one thinking I was just saying it, although when he realised I was being 100% serious he was livid.. this made me wonder again why would you be so against taking one. I know I would take one no problem if I was innocent...

If you have no trust then you have no relationship. Nothing left

@plamechocolate Thank you , that's a very fair statement. I suppose I should mention here that there also has been a second time this has happened a year later to the previous incident I have mentioned . On my birthday. A girl who went to college with me came up to me again (ON A NIGHT OUT) and was spilling her love life story to me and my friends, (I knew her partner, he was friendly enough with mines but not in his actual friend group as such, he was a nice man I always thought)..anyways she was discussing how her partner had cheated on her... And then said "your partner cheated on you that night for Adams Birthday and they all went to Club X" I said but what did he say ....she said he said "I don't know how he done that on his gf tonight" I lost my shit. I started shouting at her as it was clearly something which I had been struggling with for a full year with the first incident clearly, it seemed as though that just as I was beginning to let go slightly it had been mentioned again? I found this strange. So I asked my partner, he was livid again, he messaged the girl straight away and messaged the girls EX bf... The ex bf said that she had been doing that to several of his friends because she was fuming he didn't want to be with her and wanted to be with someone else.... I got him to screenshot the conversations which him and my partner had. I was convinced at that point my partner was telling the truth, as the girl had then said that she can't remember what was said exactly cause they were both drunk when her ex bf told her!!! So once again! A seed was resowed? I keep thinking WHYYYYY ME ,WHAT DID I DO TO THESE PEOPLE. I find it strange that I have heard things twice but never the accusation has been made about me? My partner has never ever been told one thing about me and that's because I've never done anything.

@planechocolate Maybe have a word with friend B? X

OP, you need to associate with different, more mature people

The sad thing is these aren't even people I associate with :( they just decided to get involved in my relationship and be cocky enough to approach me when I'm out enjoying myself with my friends.

@youdontknowme constant accusations of cheating are routinely listed as one of the signs of emotional abuse. It's literally in the list of indicators here, in the NHS guidance, for example:

www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

Other signs include things like checking your emails and texts. Or insisting that you check screen shots of messages, to ensure your partner isn't lying, for example...

As for wanting him to take a lie detector test....you're text book.

I'm sorry - I know you don't want to hear this. But it is important that somebody holds a mirror up to your actions. These are YOUR feelings. They are YOUR responsibility to manage. He is not responsible for your feelings.

When you take out your insecurity on your partner in the way that you describe, it absolutely is abusive behaviour. You need to seek professional help.

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad
Yeah, I definitely do agree to an extent, I know it's so wrong constantly being on someone's case and I suppose you being straight with me is actually making me think about my actions more and how I've been treating him. I've got a lot to work on I guess. 😶

You're letting these awful people rent space in your brain and in your relationship.

Which is what they want.

@MrsTerryPrachett , Very True 😑 Head-wrecking .