Teenage sweethearts - is it game over now?

[Hadenoughnow22]

I am 26, my boyfriend is 27 and we have been together since I was 18. When we first met, he was so attentive, affectionate and loving. He used to give me massages, stroke my hair...he was also, and still is, the funniest person I know. He makes me laugh like no-one else can. He is my best friend as well as my boyfriend.

As the years have gone by, I feel our relationship has gone nowhere. It hasn't progressed. He works with one of his best friends Monday to Friday, and so leaves for work Sunday night and comes back Friday night. This gives us Saturday day/night and Sunday day to spend time together, but he spends most of the time on his hobbies/responsibilities. This would be okay but he procrastinates and takes ages to do something. He also goes to the gym and eats endless meals so he has a whole routine that takes forever.

He does take me out but it's always at a push when I complain. I want us to move into an apartment together but I work in London and he works outside and he wouldn't want to move further away from work (we currently live at his parents house when he is not working with friend.)

I love my boyfriend so much. He really is my best friend but I'm so tired. I feel I've built my life around him and get nothing back. In all these years we haven't got our own place, gone travelling or done anything for us.

I know I'm an attractive woman and I just don't get any attention from him.

I don't want to leave him, I want our relationship to get better, but I just don't know if that's possible anymore.

I would be wanting more after 8 years I’m afraid. Pretty much same age 26 and dh 28. Stared going out when I was 14. Been together 13 years married 7 got a mOrtgage and two young children. I would not be happy in your situation and something would need to change

The person who's right for you when you're in your teens isn't necessarily the person who's right for you now.

You've moved apart in so many ways. Maybe it's time to bite the bullet and to separate? You could have a great time, instead of living at his parents' house, waiting for him to come home.

We have spoken about it so many times, but nothing seems to be happening. I know he loves me. I'm not sure if he's just lazy? I'm quite driven, I want to travel, see the world. I feel he would be happy to keep his little world as it is.

He sounds like your best friend.

Not a lover or potential husband/partner or future father of your children.

It sounds like you two have grown apart. There is no passion anymore, there is just being. You are certainly not a priority, that is clear.

You are at a stage now where you have to think ‘is this who I want in my life when I am going through an illness, difficult pregnancy, a baywith colic, an unexpected loss of job?’

Love is all great yada yada. But that doesn’t make a person a good fit for a life partner. You need both and I don’t think you have it.

Do you have a relationship or do you think you’ve just grown apart and are actually just really good friends?

Do you think that actually he’s never really grown up? 8 years down the line you’re both just living with his parents, and spends his spare time with his hobbies. He has no responsibilities, works away all week. You’re just ‘there’. Maybe create your own life.

it does sound like you have built your life around him and don't get much back - you've spoken about it and nothing has changed - you are 27, time to move on. Also what aussiebean says - things shouldn't be this hard at your stage of life. Yes it's a long time to have been together, but sounds as though the exit signs have been there a while and you've gradually diverged paths?

Can i ask you some questions???
Are you living at his mothers or do you live elsewhere?

You both work, full time - what percentage of each of your money goes to rent/board?

How much spending money do you have each month to live on?

How much do you save and if you do, what are you saving for?

If i presuming right, you both live at parents so will most likely be paying minimal rent/board, he works all away all week and you are working all week - what are you spending your spare money on if not having weekends away, saving to go on holidays away?

I do quite a lot for myself. I'm doing a masters, I work full time, I have quite a few hobbies myself. I feel my life is full, but it's definitely 'mine' rather than 'ours' just as his life is 'his' rather than 'ours.' I want much more interconnectedness, but although we spend a lot of time around each other, I don't feel we have much quality time. We have no shared hobby/interest.

If I want to put a movie on to watch with him he'll say ten minutes and be back 3 hours later because he has food to cook or a hobby to finish up.

I honestly feel neglected.

I am hugely affectionate and I just don't feel my needs are met. We have no intimate life but that's partly because I have a health condition. Sorry to be stealthy but I don't feel comfortable disclosing it here as it's rare and might out me to someone who knows me. That's part of why I'm scared to leave - I don't feel another man will have me with my condition as it does impede on having an intimate life.

We don't have to pay much at his parents - I pay about 200 a month. Him the same.

He is saving towards a car - in theory so he can drive back from work rather than need to stay there. I spent a fair bit on my masters, but also have savings either for a place or travel.

Sounds like he’s not that into you.

You don’t “live together” at his parents at weekends - you visit him there while he mainly does his own things.

I went through similar with a long term relationship in teens/earlier 20s. I wanted more, he didn’t, but had the decency to end the relationship.

Where do you live all week?

I am at his parents all week as I am close with them and his mum is battling an illness. He lives there when not working. I do go back to my family home now and then too. I divide my time between both I would say.

Thing is, if - as seems likely - you break up it is likely you will not see or keep in touch much with his parents.

It might be better for you to live with your own family, or (if money allows) rent in a flatshare.

If you had to move out of his parents’ house very quickly would that be possible (and still get to work, your studies etc)?

It's difficult living full time with my own family as my dad is very difficult. My mum is on antidepressants due to my dads mood swings. A flat share would be doable though. I am very close with his family. In fact that's part of what keeps me with him - I would hate to lose them!

Sounds like habit. But you’re scared you won’t find someone else and don’t want to be parted from his family.

There are so many different types of people out there. There will be other guys who are happy with a relationship where there is little intimacy. And of course there are different levels of intimacy.

I think there may even be a dating site for asexuals.

My point is, he is not your only option and you maybe able to keep the friendship and relationship with the family after the dust settles.

Don’t let fear keep you stagnant.

OP - it’s not a real relationship, I am sorry. It’s more of a convenient arrangement for him.

You are wasting your life waiting for something that is unlikely to happen. He won’t snap out of it all of a sudden.