How long do I wait?

[Meganrb]

So me and OH have one DS. I want more he does not or atleast he says he doesn’t know. I’ve always said I wanted two but following a difficult pregnancy and post natal depression I briefly changed my mind and said to him that I didn’t want anymore. Now DS is 16 months and the fog has cleared I’ve gone back to wanting another.

My question is how long do I wait for him to decide? I’m 28 but never wanted to have a big gap between children as I don’t want to be changing nappies for years! We’ve spoken about it many many tines and he’s said that he wants to wait until DS is 5 to decide. But I feel like that’s way to long!! What is by then he hasn’t changed his mind and I’m stuck then single having to start all over again?

I would wait until DS is 2 but OH thinks that’s way to close for him to decide.

With this all going on our relationship is prettt rocky. We argue all the time and both feel resentment towards the other which we have voiced as well. So really how can he expect out relationship to even last the 5 years?

I don’t know what to do? Any advice?

I wouldn't be comfortable with how specific he is there "Wait until DS is 5 to decide"

Why 5?

I'll tell you why, because he's hoping you will change your mind or something else will happen so he doesn't have to commit. The rockiness of your relationship is probably a big factor.

You ask "How can he expect our relationship to last 5 years?"

But equally....how can you?

You want another child but is this really the man?

Why would you have another child in such an unhappy and unstable relationship
Sort the relationship out first

Ironically our relationship was fine before it’s only since we started having this conversation that things have been bad.

I think I just need to face reality and admit that it’s over. Because as much as he says he doesn’t know and won’t know for a long time I really think he would by now, I think he’s just hoping I’ll change my mind

If it isn’t a “yes”, then it’s a “no”.
He is telling you “no”. He is giving you this grey area lip service because he doesn’t want the consequences of what “no” might bring.

Haha my dp and I discussed that when our ds was 3 or 4 we would try for another.
I became pregnant on pill (I had a period of sickness) when my ds was 2. Found out I was pregnant so stopped taking the pill then Unfortunately miscarried but after that we just decided if I get pregnant again, that's our 2nd child kinda thing. Before we knew it, I was pregnant again and now have a dd too. The age gap is 2.4 years!

He’s told me that if I got pregnant again accidentally and wouldn’t have an abortion that our relationship would probably be over. (Not in so many words but yeah)

Well he’s told you how he feels, not in a grown up way. But he has told you.
He doesn’t want another child.
What you do next is a different story.

he says he doesn’t know and won’t know for a long time

He knows. I'm sorry but he knows. And it's a no. If he really didn't know he'd be saying "I don't know and I don't know when I'll know", not "I won't know for a really long time". That's not a genuine waiting to see, that's a crock of shit to fob you off for a few years. The "wait until he's 5" nonsense is a) in the hope that you'll change your mind or b) to set up the future excuse of "now the age gap is too big". It's horrible because "no I don't want more DC" is a perfectly valid answer and position to hold, it's the spinning you a "maybe" line that's not on as it takes away your choice. If you want another DC then you need a new partner (TBH he sounds a bit shit so maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing anyway...)

Also, anyone who would threaten to leave a partner unless they had an abortion is a really awful person!

He’s told me that if I got pregnant again accidentally and wouldn’t have an abortion that our relationship would probably be over. (Not in so many words but yeah)

That's terrible :/ It really sounds like he doesn't want anymore kids and won't in 5 years either

Can you accept only one child, because that sounds like the only option he will consider?

It will be you who makes the final decision because he wants to put his head in the sand and pretend the question hasn’t come up.

If you can’t, at least you have time on your side.

He’s told me that if I got pregnant again accidentally and wouldn’t have an abortion that our relationship would probably be over.

This is a whole separate issue OP! That's an awful thing to say. I don't know how I'd ever feel the same about my husband if he said that to me. What did you say?

I just said “I know” I dont really know what to think about that tbh. It made me upset but it’s not out of character so I wasn’t particularly shocked about it. He’s very honest about how he feels even if it’s not something that most would deem an acceptable thing to say

Taking his negative comments aside has anyone on here had a partner who was dead set on having no more children and then they’ve changed their mind after a few years?