Talk me down

[Paranoid8888]

Ok so I am seeing a guy for a few months met through OLD at the start it was a bit ‘on off’ as he was still on OLD and I was unhappy about this. So I dated a few others but lo a behold we have got back together

I cannot trust him...my exh cheated on me for two years and I don’t know if I’m paranoid or i should listen to my gut.

He works shifts and we both have kids so we see each other about twice a week. I have been making a few digs recently about other women and yesterday he told me that he didn’t know if he could keep dealing with it he said he wasn’t going to keep defending or explaining himself when he’s told me over and over it’s just me he is seeing. I
Apologised and he came up and we had a nice night

I have a night planned with friends on Friday and he has asked me a few times if it’s still happening.it started off by him saying if it wasn’t he was free and we could do something. Then last night I mentioned that it may not be happening so me and him could do something and he said he didn’t know what he would be doing and it was unfair for me to expect him to wait about to see if my plans don’t happen. I said that wasn’t the case at all but he had mentioned about doing something and if he hadn’t made plans then why not wait and see if we could do something together. Then I reminded him about how he had said about us doing something so why was he know back tracking. He had also sent me pictures of two new tops he had got yesterday and asked if they were nice. Now my paranoid head is thinking he has a date on Friday and has just been making sure I’d be out of the picture for the evening. We have plans tonight but I feel like I’m gonna blurt this all out to him which I don’t want to do as I think this will end it for us. Why can I not just let things go and hope it’ll work out rather than looking for faults

It shouldn’t be this difficult! And you say you can’t trust him? I’m not sure what you are gaining by being in this relationship to be honest......

I don't think either of you are ready.

1. You make digs about other women
2. You use him as a back up plan

Why? Just why?

Do you like him?

You will surely drive him away

This is NO good for either if you, it’s unhealthy.

Most people don’t come off OLD straight away, so thatbwas expecting a bit much too soon to be honest.

You make digs about other women, Nobody is going to put up with that it’s going to get boring very quickly

You said you were going out, not your not but his not free. Well that’s just tough, why should he sit waiting ad your back up plan

This so isn’t going to work.....

at the start it was a bit ‘on off’ as he was still on OLD and I was unhappy about this

This is the point at which you should have walked away (and not gone back!). I think your situation is six of one, half a dozen of the other. You are struggling to trust, he doesn't make it easy to trust. This isn't going to go anywhere. I've been in your shoes so I know exactly how these things pan out!

Turn it round - if it was him that already had plans for Friday, you'd feel free to arrange something yourself, wouldn't you? See family, go to the pub with mates? Then he says his plans had fallen through - would you want to let your mates/family down just because he expects you to drop everything and see him instead?

He doesn’t have plans yet for Friday apparently...but isn’t making any with me iyswim. Which has made me think hmmm does he have plans and was making sure I wasn’t about

I really like him he is someone I can see myself having a future with but I just doubt everything

You turning round and trying to make plans 3 days before, because you own plans have failed is last minute to a lot of people.

To be honest I can't really see much he has done wrong.

You don't sound ready to be with anyone.

The problem is with you, and you know it.

You are massively insecure and needy and just plain irrational. You will drive him away. You need to step back from dating and try to learn to like yourself a bit more.

I know it’s me 😩 my ex cheating just really destroyed my confidence and trust how could someone you’re with for 15 years betray you so why would someone I know six months not do that it’s all in my head I know ☹️

I don't think he's done anything wrong either.

I personally think you should walk away and focus on yourself. It shouldn't be this difficult at all

But that's why you need to work on that before you can be in a relationship.

You are becoming emotionally abusive. Having digs about other women. Pushing him to the point that he can't take it anymore.

Read the many threads on here from women who are with emotionally abusive men. It often stems from insecurity and starts like this, early in the relationship.

And fwiw, my stbexh raped me after 18 years together. I totally get that's it's not easy to trust again. So you do have my sympathy.

You are not ready for a relationship

You’re punishing this guy for things your ex did. You’re therefore not ready to date.

If my OH kept making digs about me being with other men and suspecting me of cheating just cos I’d bought a nice new dress and wasn’t up for being his back up plan if seeing his friends fell through I’d run a mile!