Do you think you need to be single to know yourself?

[Seekingunderstanding]

I have been separated from ex dh for over 2 years now and since then have had an 8 month long relationship and a 3 month relationship. I am currently single and not particularly looking for someone. I am perfectly happy as I am, my only issue for the moment is lack of sex. Anyway, when telling people that I am not trying to meet anyone a few people have said that it's a good idea and it will let me find out who I am/get to know myself. These people know me in a casual friends way, and so I'm not taking it particularly personally....though it does make me wonder how I come across but in my own self I feel like I definately know who I am. Anyway, I guess I am curious about this sentiment. Do people generally think they should be single to find out who they are? I don't feel this way. I feel really solid in who I am and these two relationships I feel actually taught me more about what I do and do not want and who I am.

I'm not sure. I think you also learn a lot about who you are THROUGH relationships. Humans are social creatures so I don't really get the learning who you are through isolation/being an individual. Collectivist cultures would disagree entirely. Individualist cultures, as in the West, would say its essential. Personally I find being alone can simply make you different to how you'd be in a relationship - not necessarily better or worse. I know I feel happier in relationships personally.

No

Well, it might be true for some people in some situations, but it's not necessarily so.

The people who are saying it to you are probably not intending to be deep and meaningful, but are just throwing a platitude at you. Some people find it hard to grasp that it's fine to be single (and these are probably the people who would, in fact, benefit from a period of singledom). You sound like you're sorted whether single or in a couple, OP.

I think you get right into it when you are single and you also reflect on times when you weren't yourself in relationships.

But you grow through relationships too

I think it’s helpful to take some time when a relationship has ended to focus on yourself.

Yes. Your self worth and happiness has nothing to do with anyone else. Find that first and foremost before entering into relationships.

No, but I think people who are single and people in fair and good relationships can think clearer and decide where their boundaries are, bad relationships can scatter people's thinking. So for people who have had their heads fuggled by others it might seem like being single makes it easier to be able to focus on yourself.

I think, given their friendship level, it's a platitude to avoid thoughts of being lonely and negative about being single, but rather see it as a positive experience to know who you are in your own right, make better decisions etc.

I guess in case you are like Julia Roberts character in Runaway Bride, whose favourite eggs and hobbies and interests were always the ones of the guy she was with etc etc until she found out for herself.

I think it's good for some people.

However, I have a friend who has never been single, people joke at him that he can't be...but he's a very strong minded guy, about what he likes, what he wants, his interests etc I just think he like being in relationships.

However, he's in same sex relationships with no kids or intention of marriage so he doesn't really have the worry of those responsibilities I guess.

I needed to take time out to find out who I was after marriage because I was damaged financially, emotionally taken for a ride, and had to think on future scenarios for my sons life.

I needed headspace to get around that, and what of me I'd lost, during that relationship. Another persons needs were not what I wanted.

I think single time is helpful for people who've escaped abuse relationships etc. to establish their own feeling of self-worth, instead of seeking it from a partner (and therefore painting a big target on themselves for manipulative love-bombers etc.)

But generally no, I don't think it's 'needed'

For me being on my own is not so much about knowing myself, I've always known myself! I find it a bit of a stupid phrase! However, what it does do is allow you time and head space to focus solely on yourself. Even the best relationships take time and effort. That is time that you are not spending on yourself and your needs. I've come to the realisation that I do give a lot of myself to a relationship. I want to make the other person happy so, for example, I'll go to the cinema with them (I don't like the cinema!) and see a film I don't really want to see because I feel I "should". Because that's what they want and it isn't an unreasonable request. I've realised I like being selfish and only doing the things I want to do, eat the foods I want to eat, watch the things I want to watch, and generally please myself. For that reason I'm not looking for anyone now. I was once one of those people that went from relationship to relationship and being alone has made me realise I actually like it!

I feel like I am the same person always (except while pregnant 😂) and know myself. I do feel that different people bring different parts of me to the fore. So in one relationship I was a more self assured confident version of myself than I was in another.

I don't feel like I need to be single to find myself... I'm not lost 😊. But I do feel that I want to be single right now to focus my energies on my career and my dc. There are only so many hours in the day and I do feel it's hard to make time for kids, work, friends and a romantic relationship.

I think you do in the period after you come out of a relationship. I have tried dating after breaking up with an ex and realised that if you aren't fully over your ex then it isn't right for you or fair on other people you are seeing.

My therapist also told me it is very healthy to be single for a while.

But I guess it might be a case of different strokes for different folks.

It’s literally just some cod philosophical nonsense people trot out when they don’t know what else to say, don’t overthink it.

I think an element of it is that being single is seen as undesirable in our society, so when someone says they’re single or have been through a break up people don’t really know how to respond and try come up with a positive spin on it instead, and because the whole notion of finding yourself has been bandied around a lot it’s the first thing people think of to fill the silence.

Out of interest, is there a stage after a relationship particularly for women (after a long one) where they aren't in a place to get in a relationship and need to enjoy just being single? Like they need to enjoy lots of attention from different men and just feel desired again?

Yes, I never thought of it like that, as something people just say without thinking about it. I knew I was OK in myself but did wonder what impression I was giving off to othere people that would prompt them to say that. But maybe so it's not about me at all!

Yes, it is only fair to someone to have got over your ex. At least to some extent.

It’s literally just some cod philosophical nonsense people trot out when they don’t know what else to say

Yes. Generally well-meant in that it's attempting to put a positive spin on society's ongoing tendency to see female singleness as Tragic Lonely Cat Lady vs male singleness as Bachelor Playing the Field and Not Being Tied Down -- but unless you are a teenager who reinvents herself for every new relationship ('OMG! That's my favourite band, too!!!') then, no. Self-knowledge is not a function of being single or in a relationship.

I do think the period immediately after the end of a relationship can be revelatory as you realise, half-consciously, the various compromises you make in any relationship, good or bad, and reclaim your own space from those compromises, and think about whether you would make those particular ones again or not.