Can I hear some positive we saved our marriage stories please?

[Hoolahoophop]

We have been married 5 years, together 8. We have two children under 5, we have had a really rough couple of years with in particular one of the children who has had 3 visits to intensive care. We have also had family with serious illnesses. But I fear our problems started before all of those and shortly after baby 1 was born.

We are just not happy together, we don't talk, our views on the children education are different and we both want to live in different locations for our work life balance. Little things he does annoy me, little things I do annoy him. This week he asked if I wanted to try counseling or just call it a day. My instant thoughts were that life would be easier without him in it, but that I couldn't bare giving up the children for the weekend every other weekend so that he could see them, or whatever the arrangements are. I'm not sure that reaction was helpful. I'd like it to work, because I would love the family we imagined at the beginning, but I cant really remember us ever planning a family happily together now, more me wanting one and him agreeing, without huge enthusiasm. (though he does love his children now they are here) I'm struggling to remember why we got together and what it was like in the beginning, but at the moment I just keep seeing all the warning signs that it wouldn't work long term.

Can we save it, should we save it. Has anyone else felt this way in their relationship and what happened?

Thanks.

I would say that if he’s prepared to try counselling, there’s a chance there. I always feel an “oh no” of dread when people post “he won’t try counselling”. If nothing else, it’s likely to mean you manage to part in a more civilized and grown up way.

We had a bad patch. My dad died unexpectedly at the same time as both his mum and dad were diagnosed with cancer (his dad with terminal cancer). We’d just moved across the country for work, we’re renting in new location whilst having building work done on old place so we could sell it.

That was a pretty dark time. It put us under a lot of pressure and there were cracks there already.

But to be honest, I think everyone’s got cracks already to some extent. And anyone would buckle a bit under all those events, just like anyone would struggle with the events in your life.

It helped to keep the fact that a lot of the struggles were external to us.

We decided to give it a try. We identified that a lot of our problems were communication based. We also spoke about what we would do if trying didn’t work (we’d split civilly, divide everything equally, try to stay friends etc). I think this took the pressure off a bit- we realised there was enough there to lay the foundations of a new life, either apart or separately.

The thing that really worked for us was just to start talking. Every day, at roughly the same time one of us would ask the other if there was anything we wanted to talk about. It could be anything. It could be something serious like something the other had done ages ago that hurt us and was still bothering us. Or it could be about a current fear from work or family or other part of our lives. Or it could be about something we’d seen in the news or online. And the next day it would be the other person’s turn to ask.

We had a lot of fights. We had a lot of misunderstandings. But we stuck with that for a couple of months.

And stuff started to clear. We got through a lot of stuff we’d both been simmering about for ages. We worked out that apologising for hurting someone directly from the heart was the best way to handle that, even if you didn’t intend to hurt them. That there was no point in trying to explain how the other person should have taken it if they were genuinely hurt.

We also just worked out a lot about how to talk to one another. For me, things like maintaining eye contact matter a lot. For him, keeping voices calm. That we’d been miscommunication a lot because we didn’t really understand what the other person was saying.

So we just got a lot better at speaking to one another and understanding one another because we practised.

And about 4-6 weeks in it got a lot easier. More of the chats were about showing one another a stupid YouTube video someone had sent us, or asking what we’d like to eat the weekend. Sometimes we ended up laughing, then dancing round the kitchen.

We had to make a decision. A year ago it would have been massive fights, us both thinking the other one something we didn’t and feeling we couldn’t let them down so we should just do it. But we found a way to communicate both our misgivings and actually decided on something we were both comfortable with.

We’ve settled into a pattern of both asking one another if there is anything we need to talk about once or twice a week when the moment is right.

But the discipline and practice from doing it every day saved our marriage.

Thanks, Janet. That is a very hopeful message.

Thanks Janet, that's just what I wanted to hear as I believe a huge about of our problems are communication based. I have a tendency to go silent when I should be talking and doing what I think the other wants even if I'm unhappy about it, then resenting it rather than asking and possibly causing a confrontation.

We have recently finished Relate counselling due to dreadful communication issues and physical problems -ie we were not physical at all anymore. It was like two housemates living together who happened to have children, but bickered far more than housemates should.

We had a couple of discussions about getting divorced, but agreed that in our heart of hearts we wanted to make it work. There was still some love there and we had to learn how to respect and love each other again.

We also had two children under 5 and I this had had a massive impact on our lives - so focus on who we were as a couple had disappeared.

It's been really positive for us, but you both have to want to do it - you only benefit if you're both prepared to carry out their suggestions (homework) and accept that it can take a while. It's quite a financial commitment and also a commitment in time - not only the sessions themselves (finding a babysitter every week was hard, as we hadn't admitted to anyone we were going) but the time each week to do what you need to do.

We've been been a lot kinder to each other, which in turn has made us more affectionate. We talk and listen more to each other - because the sessions were very very open and we learnt how we both wanted to communicate with each other.

We also like that although we have finished the sessions, we always have the option to go back - it's like a safety net.
Some friends of ours are just returning to their councillor as they found it also beneficial, but currently feel like they need re-aligning.

Marriage is hard work, and throw kids into the mix and it's even harder.

I would say go for it - especially as you're other half has suggested it.

Good luck with whatever you do decide x

I've been looking for some counselling services. The nearest relate (as it was mentioned and recommended) is about 20 minutes drive. There is an independent company about 5 minutes walk from our house which I used when our child was very ill. They also provide relationship counselling. I'm not sure how you tell if the service is the correct one or not, if I should go with a relationship specialist or the local one which helped me in a tough time. Closer would certainly make it easier for babysitters.

I think it would be best to ask your local one - give them a call and explain your situation - the support staff are also very helpful as they are used to knowing what their counsellors specialisms are, they'll soon tell you if they're not the right place and likely recommend another for you.

Thank you Paz, I have emailed them. Trouble is now I'm too nervous to forward it on to DH as I'm scared he will be dismissive. We had a big day out planned for Sunday, an event that had been given as a gift babysitters were booked. He announced that he didn't think I should go as we were not it a good enough place at the moment for it to be enjoyable for either. I thought it might be a chance to connect without the children, but he said we were not really ready for that yet. I'm scared he will say there isn't much point in the counselling now.
So hate feeling this anxiety, it makes it very difficult to concentrate at work or be patient with the children.

Sounds not unlike dh and I last year. We only had 2 sessions in the end because the first one just seemed to get us back on track.

I think it was unfair of him re the Saturday plans, but can also see that he is perhaps trying to avoid confrontation or awkwardness in front of the children.
I remember the anxiety, the feeling of What If - what if he says no, what if he leaves, what if it doesn't work, what if I have to live like this forever.
But you have to take the bull by the horns and be strong. Tell him you want to make it work, you want to fight for this and it sounds like he wants the same. You will probably get emotional and that is ok, especially as you said above that you tend to hold things back, so talking to him about his will be hard. But, he mentioned it first, and now you are cementing this thought with a plan.
Do it, it may just be the first step in saving your marriage. x

Thank you Paz, I've got in touch with our local team and hopefully we can get started soon. I keep go8mg from positive to really down. Yesterday he appologiesd for being grumpy the day before and the atmosphere was a little more friendly. Then today I wake up to see that he's booked a saturday out with friends for a couple of weeks time and added it to the calendar but without mentioning it to be before he booked. Just assuming that's fine, I'll take care of the kids. Just feels like he's disengaged. He's fed up and just going to do what he likes without reference to me, which isn't fair when we have such young children.

I've been in relationship counselling with my DH for about 8 months now, and it has saved our marriage. It wasn't that we didn't care about each other, it was that our communication styles and expectations were utterly mismatched. I have ASD and ADD which is challenging for communication (understatement...). He'd get fed up with me not anticipating or understanding what his needs were and didn't feel cared for, when I was desperate for him to tell me what they were because I don't understand when people have different desires/interests/needs from me and need to be told things explicitly. On the other hand, I'd say things that to me were completely neutral statements of fact, with no value judgment, and he would feel that I must be trying to undermine him or be playing some mental game with him (which I am basically incapable of doing - I can only tell the truth which is sometimes challenging too!).

The crunch time came for me when he admitted that he wasn't feeling good about our relationship, and had developed an infatuation with someone else (not reciprocated, there wasn't even an emotional affair between them, it was one-sided from him - I like the woman involved very much so can understand why he liked her). I was devastated and felt like my world was ending.

I said we had to do relationship counselling or that was it. We've done it and everything is SO much better. I want to keep going for a while yet, because we still both have very different issues relating to childhood and parental relationships that we need to explore together.

I wish you every possible success in whatever happens. For me the real change was when I realised that if we split up it wouldn't be the end of the world. I think you're already there, so I really hope that you can find a resolution that works for you.