My SO recently told me “your...breath...stinks!!!”
We use to kiss all the time, both passionately and simply on the lips.
This was their response when I finally found the courage to pressed them on why we never, ever kiss - a response that is completely valid (I assume) but also outrageously hurtful and compassionless in its delivery.
I wholeheartedly accept responsibility for my own negligence. If I’m honest I am still oblivious to it and assume I’ve just become accustomed to my own “stink”. It is something I am making significant efforts to address both on a daily basis and for the long term.
Despite this I feel a huge distance between us. It’s a distance that’s built over the years that this has happened. I have for a long time been aware of their reluctance to kiss but never had the nerve to bring it up. However, during this time the absence of this intimacy has eaten away at me and caused a great deal of hurt that I have kept to myself. I have constantly questioned why, wondering if it was me (which evidently it is) or if they wanted to or actually were kissing someone else. My reasoning was that if I missed it so much then the only option for them must be that they either never enjoyed it or that they weren’t missing it because I’d been replaced.
This has been reinforced by what feels like a complete lack of connection during sex and foreplay where they spent almost the entire time with their eyes closed. It has felt more like I’m doing things to them rather than sharing it together, and again my thought process for this has been that they are thinking about being with someone else or they have been with someone else and are thinking about that.
Think has now left me with a medley of feelings.
Firstly anger:
-that I am the cause
-that I have been completely unaware
-that they just didn’t tell me
-the heartless and deliberately hurtful way they eventually expressed it
Secondly shame. Just a massive load of shame and disgust in myself.
Thirdly, and by far most strongly, grief from being the cause of this loss of intimacy for so long and the acknowledgement that the problem was real and not just in my head. Every memory of kissing is tainted with the thought that they were actually disgusted. Memories of them “forgetting” to kiss me when they left for work. Attaching so many minor traits in their behaviour to planned methods of avoiding kissing me. This is a grief that has plagued every waking moment ever since and fluctuates, often being completely overwhelming and leaving me a complete mess. At least before they told me my sadness was only due to the thoughts in my head. This sadness has increased exponentially now that it is a reality especially as I have been the cause.
Lastly, and the reason for posting, fear.
I literally cannot be close to them or face them in case I have bad breath. I turn away in bed or whenever we are in close proximity during the day. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to kiss them again even with the steps I’m taking. I’ve repeatedly gamed it in my head.
Option 1 - they pull away (possibly in disgust). If this happened I don’t know how I’d come back from it.
Option 2 - we kiss but all I can think is they’d rather put up with my foul breath than see me hurt. They have seen the absolute wreckage I’ve become over this and for some reason keep apologising. Apart from the moment they told me this, they have always been the most loving and caring person I’ve ever met (probably a big part of why it hurt so much when they told me in the way they did) and I know they wouldn’t want to cause this pain again
These are the only outcomes I can envisage and I’m not sure it’s worth the risk. However, this is only widening the gap between us and although we are going through the same processes each day I have never felt more alone.
We recently moved to be near their family and I also changed jobs leaving behind the vast majority of supportive friends.
I’m sorry for the long post and I’m not even sure I have a question but any response would be great as I’m at a complete loss of how to move forward. Despite the harsh method of delivery I’m really glad they told me (I think) but I have no idea how to confidently address it (given that I was unaware of the problem so I’m finding it hard to judge any improvements). I clearly have significant trust issues as part of me keeps wondering if it was a lie to stop me asking and the truth is they’ve been kissing (or more) with someone else. But mostly I just don’t know how to deal with the absence of intimacy and being the cause of it.
If you’ve got this far through my tale of woe I’m hoping you’ll have some advice to offer - all of it is welcome.
Thanks