Manipulative or not?

[namechangepig]

Do you think it is manipulative to say to a partner "if you really feel that way you should break up with me" or "if I'm that difficult to deal with, I don't know why you put up with me" ?

Interested to see how most people would feel/respond if their partner said this to them. I tend to be quite a sensitive person so am never quite sure whether I'm overreacting or not.

I’ve said it to guys before - only if they say stuff like “you are a -insert degrading comment here” and then I just say “well why are you with me then?” It all depends on the context. Personally I don’t say it to manipulate it’s a genuine question. It comes from a place of hurt usually. As I said though depends on the context, if it’s being said for no reason or out of the blue or to avoid an argument then yes I would say it’s manipulative!

I said that to my ex as our relationship came to a close.

I meant it, he didn't trust me and constantly assumed the worst about everything I did or said. It was heartbreaking for me because I genuinely loved him but he disapproved of me, basically.

What does your partner do that prompts you to complain to them? More context is needed to really assess your situation.

I will say that they may be right. If you find yourself.constantly upset by your partner, it would be difficult to argue that the relationship is a good idea to continue...

Pretty much yeah.

It depends if you mean it. If mentioning breaking up is happening regularly then it may be manipulative but I've generally only used this in response to my exbf saying a lot of really negative things about me. Of course my question was well if you feel this way then why are you with me...

Agree with pps.

My exh used to complain about me to me all the time. I was never good enough, in the end I asked that and he replied that he loved me. He didn't even like me, wanted me to change and loved pointing out that I wasn't perfect and wanted me to change who I was. So I left.

It was a question. And it does beg the answer that if there are fundamental things or lots of things you don't like about your partner, why would you be with them?

Judgemental = red flag for me. They get away with about 6/7 after that they are binned. Simples.

I’ve said it. It wasn’t manipulative. I was genuinely confused as to why he’d want to be with someone as awful as I supposedly was. He was an abusive bully though and I think it was healthy for me to challenge him like that rather than just absorb that I was a shit head and keep on trying to do better.

My ex used to say similar to me.

"If you don't like it, just go then."
"Why are you still here."

Again he was an abusive controller. He also thought that driving almost an hour to his after every argument or constantly calling until he answered was proof that I cared. And if I didn't then I didn't care.

It does depend on context, but it can also be manipulative.

If you don't mean it then it can be manipulative

I think it can be an honest response to what feels like a bad relationship, criticism etc

The context counts
If someone says it when you ask them to take the bins out and are being stroppy and over dramatic then it’s manipulative

If you are not getting along in more serious ways the question is actually worth considering? Why are you with this person?

Depends on context, as above

Saying it to something petty is them refusing to engage in difficult conversations. Throwing their toys out the pram and insisting you can't be even remotely critical of anything. "I am who I am. You can't change me (including not picking up dirty socks eh? Etc)

However it could be a legitimate retort to someone being critical of something bigger that you can't control or so anything about or honestly believe you shouldn't change.

So no not always manipulative.

It's not necessarily manipulative IMO ...I actually think it's a very good question to ask if someone constantly complains about you.

Makes them think on whether their moaning is justified....although I'd question why one would stay with someone who criticises and hands them the power to end the relationship.

It can actually be an indication of low self esteem rather than manipulation.

What was it said in response to?

I don't necessarily consider it a manipulative comment. It's all about the context.

If a partner is always drunk and you bring it up and they say, 'why are you with me then?' I'd see that as deflecting from the actual issue at hand.

If you are fundamentally incompatible as people and constantly arguing over small niggles, I'd understand the 'why are you with me then?' comment.

Thanks for the replies. Seems like context is definitely needed...

Partner of three years, he had a v troubled (abusive) childhood until he left home at 18, when he then re-connected with loving family he'd been cut off from. Sadly within about 10 years both these family members died.
So he definitely (openly) has issues with abandonment/loved ones leaving. Also stemming from his childhood is a (completely understandable) fear of conflict or arguments.

He has not sought out any professional help or counselling to deal with the trauma of his childhood, but self-medicated with weed until very recently (decided to quit two weeks ago)

I find it difficult to navigate between wanting to be completely sensitive to how his childhood has affected him and reassure him of my love for him, my commitment to our relationship + life together... while also trying to deal with how his insecurities from trauma can affect both of us in daily life.

I find myself holding back or agonising over words to make sure I am only using positive language. But sometimes (like last night) I get frustrated about something - because I am human and we are both going through stressful times at the moment.

I was frustrated that his opinion over something we need to buy for the bathroom was changing every time it got brought up - I said that he never seemed to remember what we'd talked about before and that sometimes it made me feel like I was going insane when he says he never said something/we didn't have a conversation. He instantly got v defensive, said he didn't like being told he makes things up, asked if I actually thought he would try to lie or deceive me and said that if he's that difficult to deal with then he has no clue why I put up with him - and went to bed. It all felt like a massive overreaction to me, tbh...

The only explanation, to me, for him to say this is as Mousey765 says - a refusal to engage in difficult conversation. I don't think he is actively trying to manipulate me. But I do think that in itself the sentence is manipulative. The trouble I then have is that I completely understand why he is saying it - I understand that he is remembering the trauma, he wants to shut down and hide and he's worried that he is always going to be abandoned... But how can we let that rule the rest of our lives together? Am I not allowed to ever have a concern or a frustration - and if I am, I mustn't bring it up?!

Apologies for the essay!!! I hope it's not too rambling...

Google gaslighting - you are describing classic examples. Yes, he is definitely, absolutely knowingly manipulating you. Wake up to this. You are being abused.

However the real issue is that you are walking on eggshells the entire time in order to 'show him that you love him'. OP, you are not having an adult, loving relationship at all, you are living in a tiny boxed-in corner where what you want or feel has been completely lost.

His traumas or whatever are his, and he needs to get professional help to deal with them because they are making him act like an abusive twat to the woman that he allegedly loves. What on earth makes you feel that that you have to be the (N.B. only) one to deal with them? Are you his doctor?

How on earth did you get to this place? You need to get out as soon as you can and find someone with whom you can have a proper partnership.

Sad follow up post there op.

It really doesn't matter why he does it. Also doesn't matter whether it's intentional.

What matters is that this relationship isn't functional. If you can't speak frankly with him, if you have to choose your words to protect him, then you're his carer, at best. at worst you're his punching bag.

Please stop telling yourself complicated stories about why you need to stay in a shit relationship. You're wrong, I mean that very kindly.