I’ve bloody gone and wrecked myself for no good reason other than being an absolute IDIOT

[ReturnofPrincessOzma]

This might be triggering.

After years of intermittent starving of myself, I started being casually bulimic. I didn’t binge, but boy I loved a good purge. I’d drink lots then use the alcohol as an excuse to have to ‘get it all up’ violently before bed and usually the morning after as well.

So I don’t do that anymore, but I’ve

a) destroyed the enamel on my teeth causing extensive damage to the back ones (this can be fixed but it’ll take some expensive dental work and is quite frankly a bloody hassle to sort out)

b) worse, after years of intermittent heartburn at night getting more regular and more painful, I’ve discovered I've given myself chronic GERD. What a fricking idiot. I’m a 32 year old woman and I think older overweight men get it usually.

Oh, I’ve also burst a blood vessel in my eye before after a particularly hardcore sick session.

WHY WHY WHY would I put myself through all that?

Do you ever think of yourself among those millions and zillions of little sperm going hell for leather to meet the egg, why was it you, when someone else could have made a much better go at life and not been so cavalier with their body? They might even have respected theirs and treated it nicely.

I don’t know what I want from this, just had to get it down. Ive not even told my fiancé about the GERD yet

I’ve name-changed as I have a responsible job (somehow) that I’ve mentined in here and no one knows I’m such a self-sabotaging twat.

Oh op

Massive hugs.

Oh hugs. Well done you for breaking the cycle! Be kind to yourself and praise where it is due.

Be kind to yourself. A good many wise, intelligent, caring, sensible, sensitive people use methods of self harm to gain back some feeling of being in control when their lives feel out of kilter, it doesn't make you a bad person. Have you someone you can talk to about this?

Oh thank you, that’s all really kind...

No I don’t talk to anyone in ‘real life’ about it at all. I’m not a talking about things sort of person really. I did try for NHS counselling ones but they were bloody useless, just kept pushing CBT.

for you

I have found Slippery Elm brilliant for GI issues, might be worth a try if you wanted something natural for the GERD (I know this is off topic but it’s marvellous stuff)

I’ll try anything. Slippery Elm sounds like it’s straight out of Tolkien but it seems like it does a job x

Don't beat yourself up. It's a form of self half, or at least it is in my case. I do it too and am worried about my teeth... Not seen any signs yet, how long did you do it for to ruin your teeth?

I think lots of people do it, but it's easy to keep a secret.

Self harm*

Do you think you can stop? From your post it sounds like you've had a wake-up call but i know from my own experience i could just carry on after a few weeks of bad news. For me a load of therapy was the thing - defo not CBT though. I did over 20 years of anorexia and bulimia so you've got nothing on me!

I probably did it bi-weekly (but throwing up 5/6 times in a session until it was just stomach acid for s good four years.... can’t tell on my very front teeth.... but towards middle and back there’s obvious damage.

I haven’t even started to get it sorted yet

Even when I burst the blood vessel in my eye I was more devastated from a vanity point of view than thinking of it as a wider problem.

I’m no expert on eating disorders but I just wanted to say quickly that I have had GERD for years, since my late 20s, and some people are just genetically predisposed to it. Medication like Nexium helps and you have to tweak your diet a bit, but it’s not a big deal, honestly.

I also have GERD and never had any of those issues so don't go too hard on yourself. Bit by big you will pull it together.

Be kinder to yourself. You were ill and didn't intend to cause such damage.

Hugs OP.... I bet we've all done stuff we regret, I know I spent a good few years on a self-sabotage path. It's all a learning experience and you wouldn't be the (strong and lovely-sounding) person you are today if you hadn't been through it 

I think I’m supposed to have caused the GERD with the excess stomach acid from being sick, that’s what the doctor said anyway, he was pretty harsh about.

Thank you for all the posts, I feel a little better

Yes, you probably did cause it but it’s not a big deal, that’s the point I was making. It’s not a progressive disease, it’s just a condition really, that you treat and learn to live with.

I've had GERD since I was 13...am now 51 and only just found out that it could be triggered by gluten.

give yourself a break, some doctors are literally nasty pieces of work.

Think of the bulimia as an illness that has caused these things not you! Much like gambling or alcoholism. Use it as a wake up call to get the help you need though XX

Are you still purging? I mean this kindly - do you know the other dangers?

Oh sorry I have reread - you don't. That's good.

Op for you. Please be kinder to yourself, it’s horrible to hear you talking so harmfully about yourself.
Your human, humans are flawed. Think about the possibility of forgiving yourself for not being perfect. X

So, knowing all this, this is your chance to turn your life around and do things differently....make different choices. Do think about therapy. Changing patterns of behaviour can be very difficult. You are used to engaging in self-harming behaviour and that can be very compulsive. You are harming for a reason and without exploring those reasons and understanding why they have occurred, there is a risk of going back and using them again. Suddenly taking care of yourself after years of self-abuse means changing your attitude and learning how to do things differently. Do you know how to be kind to yourself and nourish yourself?

Make each day a new start OP.

I have dental/GERD issues probably similarly due to binge eating (I’m not bulimic), beating ourselves up about it is unlikely to help, am just trying hard to work on the core issues and be kind to myself in the meantime!

OP you have a partner and a responsible job, so you obviously have people in your life who value you. It’s time you started valuing yourself. Yes you’ve done things in your past that you regret, who hasn’t? You can’t change that. But what you do have choice over is what happens in your future. To try to put your past behind you, whilst learning from it, and live your best future is the best way to put this behind you. You can do it