Husband leading a new life... What to tell sons?

[Dietcoke131]

Hi Everyone,

First time posting and I have started this so many times, it's actually really difficult to say (type) out loud. So I am going to try keep to the facts and forget about a million emotions that go with this but would really appreciate some help...

Basically my Husband (9 years together) used 'The Script' in August, not that I even knew it was a thing but I DO NOW! Although 'he didn't love me anymore' and saw more as 'JUST the boys Mum' we agreed to respectfully keep on living together until our oldest son, age 4, left his private day care nursery and started primary school. However this didn't go to plan as he couldn't look me in the eye anymore which led me to go through everything on his laptop and finding out he was actively leading a single man's life messaging and setting up 'drinks' with multiple other women. So after the complete lack of respect and regard for my feelings, I packed his bags and off he went to his parents.

Since that night in August there have been no further discussions on our romantic relationship and have purely just been focussing and communicating about our two boys, age 4 and 2 years old. Both boys have had their birthdays which we celebrated altogether as a family.

However it is now nearly 3 months later and our sons still do not know about the seperation or that their Dad is not living with us anymore. They are used to him working a lot so I have mainly used that as an excuse as to why he isn't here as much. He does bed time 2 nights out of the week and has them on a Saturday, during this time I go to work.

Our eldest son has been asking a lot of questions and making some comments to different people about his Dad. I am worried that while we have been trying to protect him from this mess that actually we have been making things worse for him by lying. Sometimes he seems sad and confused other times he doesn't question anything and just gets on with his day.

His Dad now has the lifestyle he probably dreamt about for 9 years... city centre apartment, man about town etc. I feel a lot stronger emotionally and I am in a better place than I was. Do we tell him the truth? Do we keep up this act we are still a family? Do we leave it until after Christmas? I just want to do the right thing for my sons but I don't know what that is as it is just so hard... Any views or advice would be really helpful....

Sorry to hear this, glad to read you are feeling stronger now...you can do this. What does dad think about how and when you tell the boys?

It sounds like oldest son knows something is up and it would be a good idea to come clean to him about what's going on sooner rather than later. I'd say before Christmas, so if it's different than usual he's prepared, but if you're trying to keep things normal, he can be reassured that, though you are not together, you want to keep family space for things like that, for now at least.

I am sure there are lots of good articles online about explaining this to kids age appropriately. Good luck.

Sorry.... I should have said, he doesn't seem to comprehend how much this will affect the boys. They absolutely idolise him but he was willing to tell our oldest son the week he moved out, the week he was about to start his brand new school.

I don't trust his judgement, I think its completely clouded by his own selfishness at the minute and his mindset has been fully focused on getting himself and his brand new life in order. I don't think he thinks of how they will react or cope with it and how it will affect them long term.

I mainly make decisions regarding our sons and he goes with what I say....

Hi OP, sorry you're having to go through this, it sounds incredibly tough. Kids pick up on a lot more than grown-ups realise and I do think you should tell him the truth as soon as you can. My parents separated when I was a child but this was never officially said and so on. That charade went on until I was in my teens. As a result I lost a lot of respect for my dad.

I'm sure that's not what you have in mind but as you've said yourself he's clearly picking up on something. That being said, it's perfectly OK for you to take the time to come to terms with what's happened and how before you talk to your sons about it.

The really important thing is to agree with your Ex about what you will tell them. Consistency is the key, you don't want to add emotional uncertainty to an already difficult situation.

There will be plenty of books out there that can help you find a way to talk to your children about what's happening and also help them understand. Good luck x

Just seen your update. Sounds like you're going to have to be the grown-up in this situation, but if the ex is happy to go along with what you decide, that's at least something.

The sooner the better, I think. There's never a good time for this sort of thing and now is a good time as any. After Christmas, you might think better to get New Year out of the way. Then, wait until they've gone back to school so it doesn't ruin their holidays. Then one of your DC might get sick, or have an off week, or whatever...now is the time. I know it's heartbreaking OP but they will be ok, it will be their new normal in the future.

Thank you so much for your thoughts, it feels so reassuring to get an instant reply from real genuine people instead of me endlessly overthinking and just going around in circles in my own mind...

I think kids should be told as early as possible. Is there a part of you hoping that he will change his mind and you will be a couple again?

When I told my ex I wanted to split he ran up the stairs and told the kids very bluntly so I didn't get the opportunity to say it to my kids, but I do think being told early (in a calm, matter of fact way) is the ideal way.

Leaving their df up there on his pedastal is not a good idea imo.
Truth is a must, age appropriate but still a version of the truth.

You can't keep your children wrapped in cotton wool forever sadly - however much we all want to. Yes its a very sad situation, but really it is best to be honest and open with your children, before they find out from someone else - and believe me they will.

Sit the eldest down and tell him that Mummy and Daddy have agreed for Daddy to live somewhere else . That Mummy and Daddy love him and his brother/sister very much. And be prepared to answer his questions as honestly and calmly as you can. It's OK to say you don't know to a question but that you will tell him as soon as you do know.

And then you will need to put your Big Girl Pants on and get that Ex of yours parenting. It's not generally seen as a good idea to let the non resident parent deliver care in your home. Gives mixed messages to the children. He needs to take the children to his bachelor pad and look after them over night. He is a father, not a favourite uncle and yes it will cramp his single man life-style - tough. He also looks after them every other weekend - at his.
With Christmas coming up - start giving some thought to how you want to split the holidays. With Christmas being a Tuesday, he could say have the weekend before and then return the children to you on Christmas Eve. Really don't even think of celebrating Christmas as a family - draw that line now. He doesn't get to swan off and still get the privilege of being with you all on Christmas morning. He gets the children his own present and you get them yours - not joint. Again he doesn't have that privilege anymore.

Get a solicitor, get the money sorted.

Just to say I do appreciate everyone taking the time to respond... People around me have been amazing but I feel they just want me to be happy and are being so kind but not honest. I will talk to my oldest son this weekend, I know it can't be put off any longer. I needed that wake up call.

I am just so confused with what the appropriate routine and boundaries should be and how much contact to have. The bit that has broken my heart about all of this is that now because he wants this other lifestyle I have to share my sons with him... I have to have my sons part time because of him when I have been there every single minute since they was born... The reason why I allow him to come to our family home is because I don't want to loose them, I don't want them to go to his 'Flat', I want to be with them all the time, exactly how it was before he made this terrible decision for our family on our behalf...

We text literally everyday about the boys, I hate that we talk so much but feel I have to reply to him because when the boys are with him I want to a reply and to know how they are etc. so have to keep communication open. I didn't want birthdays split, I don't want Christmas split because that means I'm loosing out, being excluded from special times in their lives. Am I in the wrong? Should I let go and give them up to be a part of his separate life? It's so hard...

Sorry for not coming back to you before.
I totally understand your feelings about being with your boys, however I’ll be honest with you- you are not doing your children or yourself any favours in the medium and long term by “sharing” however safe it feels in the here and now. You will confuse your children, you will confuse your family and friends and you will confuse yourself. I totally get the devastation you feel, but you have to separate emotionally as well as physically, to protect yourself and to start healing. Your husband has left you, he is moving on. at some point he will find a new partner- you have to prepare for that eventuality.

It’s a bloody awful situation you are in, no one will deny that. The selfish actions of your husband have imploded your world. All you can do is take control and make the best of a really awful situation. Part of that is starting to build a separate life for you and your boys. They will be fine with their Dad. Yes you will miss them, but they will be fine.
You need to get angry and then use that energy to shape your future.

You’re not necessarily “wrong” to feel as you do and believe me, when my exW cheated on me and then (essentially) kicked me out of the house, the worst thing about it was not seeing my dc every day.

Having to split Xmas (particularly once she’d moved them, 3 years later, almost 200 miles from me / their home etc) is horrible. This year is “her” year so I won’t see them until Boxing Day at the earliest. It’s heartbreaking.

But... doing the initial too-close-emotionally co-parenting thing wasn’t helpful. I had no need of her input as I’d always been very hands on and resented her intrusions into my time with the kids. I’m sure she’d have dressed it up as missing them, if challenged, but actually it was all about control for her (as was the move away).

Your dc’s relationship with you, and their Dad, will be a lot stronger once you learn to let go a bit as (please forgive my bluntness) you sound like you’re controlling too, atm.

It may not be what you wanted for your family, but it’s what’s happened and you have to adjust to it, and let THEM adjust to it to. Encourage him to develop his own parenting style and make sure he takes the DC back to his for his overnights etc. It’ll be so much better for all of you in the long run.

I'm not sure about the advice on being so clean cut about splitting the time and not letting your ex at your home for Christmas. Surely your children seeing you being amicable and grown up (whilst still be separated) is being a mature role model?

Sorry to hear your ex is such an idiot. Just to reassure you, I left my ex when my youngest was 5 and he barely batted an eyelid (my eldest was 8 and it affected him more). I just tried to keep things as normal for him as possible, At that age life is very matter of fact and we sometimes complicate things by our own emotions and ideas. Lots of love, lots of reassurance and routine. And I agree that eventually he should have them at his new place, so you can have some free time. Good luck.

Oh and r/e Christmas (I had left the family home as he would have never left), he had the boys Christmas Eve and I stayed over (I understand you might not want to do this and it was hard), and then in the morning we went on as usual, I cooked Christmas dinner and then when it was bed time I left and they stayed at his house then returned to me on Boxing Day. It was heartbreaking leaving them, but they had a great day, and I spent all day with them too and I got to see them open all their presents as he did too.

We haven't discussed this year yet but the kids are much more settled now, and easier. It my turn for them to sleep at mine but I might even ask if he wants to come un the morning and stay for lunch. There was no one else involved with the split but it was a toxic relationship and emotional abuse. I put that to one side for the sake of one day, and actually he was on his best behaviour.