Am I a fanny lodger?

[BoringBurden]

NC but semi regular poster.
DH & I are both mid 40's and have been together for 23 years, married 16. 2 DC, 14 and 10. Everything was great when we got together - best friend, great sex, shared ideals etc etc. He is without doubt a wonderful man - considerate, excellent hands-on dad, always done half the housework, supports me in whatever I want to do. He's everything you could ask for.

But I just don't know if I love him any more. It's not his fault, he's done nothing wrong. He loves me and definitely doesn't want to split up. Younger DC would be devastated, older one probably fine.

It's me that's changed, and feel we've grown apart. I've gone from an energetic high earner to having health problems (MH and physical) that meant I had to take a less stressful, low paid part time job, ultimately ending last year in being disabled so I can no longer work or drive.

This means DH has to do virtually everything full time job, looking after kids, cooking, laundry, driving DC to clubs etc. It makes me feel so, so guilty that I can't do very much and don't contribute financially or as a SAHM would. He says he doesn't mind, and friends and family offer to help all the time but he turns them down. I try to encourage the kids to be more independent with cooking, cleaning, laundry age appropriate chores, but DH stymies them by doing it all. I almost think he likes playing the martyr.

We rarely have sex any more. He wants to, I don't - I don't fancy him or me anymore, but he never pressures me because is truly is a lovely man.

I've wanted to leave for a long time, but my illness has made it much worse. Each night we sit on respective laptops not really talking. I'm fit to burst with frustration. What I don't know if this a real feeling, or my illness talking. I just want to be alone, but can't afford to leave, and don't want to hurt him after everything he's done for me. I feel like I'm exploiting him. In answer to my title, I don't even qualify as a fanny lodger if I'm not providing sex do I?

If a MNer posted saying her DH behaved like me, everyone would be in uproar and LTB. SHould I leave and give him a chance at happiness in the long term or stay put and hope things get better?
Thanks for reading if you got this far.

You’re posting because you know what you’re doing is wrong. You’re using him as a meal ticket/cater. If you were well and earning you’d be out of there so fast.

“I feel like I’m exploiting him”. Listen to yourself. It’s not good behaviour.

Personally, and I don't know why, I think there is hope for you both.

You've obviously been through a shit load. Get some counselling together (or alone). Don't give up just yet. 

I wonder how much impact your mental health issues are coloring your judgement towards your DH and marriage.
When I was depressed I thought DH and kids were better off without me and that DH and I should get divorced.
I hope that you are getting help with your health issues.

What dynamic are your children growing up seeing in their parents? One where mum is poorly and dad is working hard to make life easier for everyone and love, respect, mutual appreciation and affection are present?

Or one where mum is miserable, detached, not aware/uncaring of the strain on dad, dad is stressed and overworked and they’re stuck in the middle?

It’s an open question.

If you don’t like, love, respect your husband then you need to be honest about it. Ill health and not being able to work or pitch in around the house is one thing. Using him to make your life easier when you don’t actually want him around for anything else is pretty horrible. How long can you see the situation carrying on?

It must be awful losing your health and your independence, it’s going to take a massive toll on you. Are you getting all the help you can from your doctor(s)?

I'm not sure it would be as simple as LTB if the sexes were reversed. It's clear that your self esteem is very low and I recognise some of what you are saying in myself - and my DH. I think you need to start by building on this before you make any decisions. I also think you need to address this with your husband, maybe not throwing the whole lot at him but saying you need to find ways of contributing to the household or making small achievements that give you a sense of purpose. I don't know what your physical issues are so I don't want to make suggestions that may be inappropriate, but maybe a task that you can achieve once a week as a start.

If you're not already, let your GP know how low you are feeling and see if you can get referred for some counselling.

You can't just leave. You're not well. To be frank you sound depressed. You need to sort out your health both physical and mental first, and then look at the situation again. I don't think you can possibly make any well informed decisions at the moment when you feel so low. Everyone wants to be alone at some point especially when they are as emotionally and physically drained as you sound. Doesn't mean the relationship is the problem .

OP I can relate somewhat. I have become disabled and have MH issues. My DH is now my carer, he does everything at home for both me and our DD’s.

Have you had any counselling? I personally found it very helpful, not only to accept what had happen to me but to accept the change in our relationship.

I guess where we differ is that you are unsure if you love your DH. For me I always knew I loved my DH, that has never changed. For a long time, and occasionally now, I worry that his feelings for me have changed. I am not the person he fell in love with and married, because of my illness and other things that have happened I’m a different person. Luckily for me DH loves that person too. Could you be worried about your DH’s feelings and that has lead you to feel the way you do?

Only you can decide if you can work at saving your marriage, but I do strongly recommend speaking to someone, it may really help.

I wish you the best of luck

You are married, in sickness and in health. It doesn't make you a fanny lodger when you are SICK. I can't believe some posters are validating your self depreciation in this regard. Your mental and physical health problems are colouring your view of your relationship and the world. Please pursue treatment options such as counseling, anti depressants and any and all therapeutic treatments for your illness. This man cares for you, you have fallen out of love with yourself, don't act rashly, this may pass as you become more accepting of your new normal. Good Luck x

Harsh but probably fair chestylarue52 If I had money I don't think the decision would be any easier really. Hurting him is the main thing that's stopping me.

He really doesn't want counselling whatbeshrekking. We went for a trial couples counselling session a couple of years ago, but he thought it was a waste of time and money.

That's exactly what I think heather1 That they'd be better off without me. I've had depression on an off for a long time, but I thought it was pretty well managed now.

The former AnneLovesGilbert. I do like and love him, but it's more friendship than anything else for me now. I definitely respect him. He is emphatic that he doesn't feel used, it's just the way our lives are now, and he'd be happy for it to carry on forever. Maybe I feel like I'm using him because if our positions were switched I would not have the energy to do everything he does?

PP mentioning depression you may be right that it's time to go back to the GP. I'm so used to putting on a brave face that it's hard for me to realise when I'm going off the rails. That's why I don't really trust my own decisions. And seperate issue, but my self esteem is totally in the toilet, but I put a brave face on that too. No one would know.

I think what you really want to leave is your illness. I think you’ve fallen out of love with yourself and your life. And you’re projecting all of that onto him.

So how would you manage without him? And didn't he agree " in sickness and in heLth?"? He's accepted that he'll care for you and he doesn't want to separate, so it's no good saying it's for his sake. It's not. That's the last thing he wants. So concentrate on getting as well as you can possibly be, and then look at it again

I think this is really complicated and probably some counselling for you alone would be a start.
I was a very practical, capable person with a responsible job.
Then I got sick with a progressive disease that is slowly making me disabled. I had to stop work.
Not long after my diagnosis my eldest child died in horrific circumstances.
Our lives and the lives of our other dc have changed beyond recognition.
My dh is now my carer.
I struggle every day with pain, disability and guilt.
I dont have the answers, but I just wanted to offer sympathy and a bit of understanding.
I am nearly 3 years on and still struggling to process it all.
Give yourself time.

I think your health problems are causing depression, that's why you are so negative.

I believe you would be entitled to what used to be called Disability Living Allowance, now Personal Independence Payment. It isn't means tested so it would be cash for you to use how you choose and that could include a cleaner once a week and sending stuff to the ironing shop. In that way, you would be contributing. Please do look into it, we all know the Benefits Agency are stingy but, honestly, they have money designated for this, untouched, in their coffers and your doctor would back your application.

That doesn't solve how you feel about your husband or rather, lack of feeling for him. You obviously still have a high regard for him but it's as if there is now a distance between you. A typical symptom of depression.

If other pressures are taken off you, at least you can breathe a sigh of relief in one area and then try to work on the other areas. Do mention it to your doctor, a change of medication may be all it takes.

This is going to sound like I'm massively over simplifying, but you say you've 'grown apart' - well, could it be possible you could work on growing closer again? You've both been through a lot. It seems a shame to lose a good relationship because you''ve become 'like friends' when it sounds like it would have been really hard for anyone, under the circumstances, to maintain romance, excitement and so on.

I wouldn't give up just yet because it sounds like you have been through a lot of health problems that have changed your lives.
It will take time to adjust and regain your relationship which has understandably probably taken a back seat for a while.

It's really hard to fancy someone when you feel really down on yourself.

Have you come properly to terms with the changes the illness has made to your life?

Are there likely to be further changes on are now at a place (physically) that you expect to stay at?

Blimey OP, you are being very hard on yourself. I agree with the sickness and health part. Give yourself a break.

I think if you try and take the pressure and guilt off yourself things would improve. I know easier said than done.

Have you had a complete heart to heart. Less of the putting a brave face on. Time to be open an honest. Speak your truth. Best wishes.

Mostly great advice in this thread, I also think this is your illness talking. Anybody would be depressed in your situation, I'm similar tho not to your extent. And it's hard to get out of the house?

Could you please speak with your GP, maybe some counseling? I personally go back and forth between hoping I'll get back to normal and utter despair when I allow myself to think it will get even worse. The roller coaster I'm pretending not to be on, takes it's toil. Maybe same for you?

Your husband sounds like a doll, he obviously loves you is my guess. Take the advice others have given you. I'm afraid to say the wrong thing and offer any of my own! Best wishes and please keep us updated? There is a whole board around here just for chronic illness if you'd rather chat there, or here is fine as well. Please value yourself because regardless whether you realize it or not, you are still very much valuable!

Reading this, my gut said this is your illness and low self esteem talking.

You maybe right that you don’t love him anymore, but the illness seems to have taken over your thought processes that there is a good chance it’s that talking.

You obviously respect your husband and owe it to him to ensure any action you take is based on fact. Not your illness.

So get yourself counselling, even if he doesn’t want couple counselling. Talk to your gp. Get yourself into a good place and then start to question your love for him.

Hi OP, echo what others have said. Look for some coaching I think rather than counselling, to look at how you can move forward.

"He really doesn't want counselling whatbeshrekking. We went for a trial couples counselling session a couple of years ago, but he thought it was a waste of time and money."

Have you explained that its not a waste of time and money FOR YOU? Just because hes happy, doesn't mean you automatically are fine with everything also.

"He says he doesn't mind, and friends and family offer to help all the time but he turns them down. I try to encourage the kids to be more independent with cooking, cleaning, laundry age appropriate chores, but DH stymies them by doing it all. I almost think he likes playing the martyr. "

Honestly, I'd try and be a lot louder about this. It sounds like hes the kind of person who just merrily "gets on and does" but its valuable to have the kids taking up some of their own age-appropriate responsibility. Letting family and friends help is important as well, partly because it's an acknowledgement that actually you DO need more help than you used to.

It does sound rather like what you're saying is you don't feel worthy of him, or his equal any more, and I wonder if part of that is he's not allowing you or the kids to do what you CAN still do. It can be hard to see your own self-worth when you're not allowed to feel you're a real contributor to the household.

Bumbumtaloo and Endofthelinefinally. My heart goes out to you both and I wish you both the very best of luck.

There is some extremely sound and thoughtful advice on this thread. Thank you for taking time to provide it. Some of it, especially what TatianaLarina said, and ohello's The roller coaster I'm pretending not to be on, takes it's toil. really hit close to home.

Other pieces of advice give great ways to nibble away at the issues, which is also much appreciated. Today has been very hard, and I did talk to DH about some of it. Tomorrow I'll call the GP.

Fingers crossed, there should be some respite in my illness, I may be able to work again, but it's some way off. A relapse is guaranteed and it's ultimately fatal, so I need to try to get my head round all of this to make the most of the rest of my life.

I'm not convinced it's your illness.
You say you've wanted to leave for a long time.

That you don't fancy him anymore.

You don't want to hurt him...but you don't love him. It's almost like you pity him.

My concern would be he burns himself out and becomes ill with everything he's doing. He's not superhuman and it will have an impact on his own health. If he gets ill, Then what?

Lots of people saying in sickness and in health here ...all well and good, but if this was your son or your brother in a marriage like this...I'm sure you'd think differently.