I actually do not like my mum.

[Fatizo]

I just need to vent. I have recently come to the conclusion that I actually do not like my mum and that she probably doesn’t either. I don’t enjoy talking to her. I find her uninspiring, blinkered, dismissive of my feelings and views, has no idea what boundaries are and attention-seeking, often times immature and demanding. She feels she owns her kids, because “she sacrificed her youth for us”. I must have heard this expression a million times growing up. She expects us to return the favour now because of course we owe her. She expects money off me because she thinks I must be well off. I used to work full time and give her regular money for years, until I had my kids and reduced my hours dramatically. I have explained that I can no longer be as generous as before because our financial situation has changed. Does she get it? Of course not. She keeps telling me how my three childless full time working well earning siblings back home have been helping her financially. Not once, no, every single week. I explain again that I can send her money but it won’t be much. The trouble is I know she has no income and completely relies on her kids for support. I get that and I do help as much as I can but she is such a spender, you send her £200 she spends it, you send her a £1000 she will also spend it in a heartbeat. Last time I gave her a lump sum and explain that was my annual contribution, so that she stops throwing hints a few weeks down the line. Guess what? She goes and redecorate her house then becomes skint and starts moaning about not having money and I am just astonished because I wouldn’t prioritise redecorating a perfectly fine house, when I don’t know when money is coming a long. I would spend it on essentials. Anyhow, this is so frustrating for me, because evertime I save some money and want to treat the kids to a holiday, I have to keep it a secret from her because last time I told her about a planned holiday, she understood I won the lottery and started hinting so much I felt guilty going on holiday.
She keeps calling me at least 3 times a week and leaves about 6 missed calls, when I can’t speak. She has no understanding that I actually have a life, kids, a job, a house, friends and I can’t always chat to her whenever she gets bored. She only calls me when she gets bored to tell me random stuff that I clearly have no interest in, like her hairdresser’s brother dying, how he died, his funeral, what was said at his funeral, last time she saw him and what he told her.. and I am like, mum I need to have a quick lunch but she carries on regardless. This is after I just told her someone nearly crashed onto my car on the way to school. Expecting, a “are you ok? That must have been frightening “ . Oh no, instead she tells me all about this random guys I don’t even know, dying... like wtf?? Does she simply not care?

She sounds like my mil who is a narcissist.

Stop giving her money! I've never heard anything so bizarre.

If she has no income then she needs to sort that out. Cut the cord.

I have sympathy for you, her behaviour is VERY odd. She CHOSE to have you, you did not ask to be born so her sacrificing her youth was her decision not yours and she should own that choice and not lord it over you.
I am flummoxed by her taking so much money off her own children!!! I am really and truly shocked by that, perhaps if she really was struggling for a short time I would offer my mum some help but I know she would refuse because that's not my place (that's what my mum would say)
I don't particularly have any wise advice apart from going low contact? However if you wanted reassurance that this sort of behaviour is not normal then here it is, her behavior is not normal at all!

Thing is, wher I come from kids are meant to look after their parents. Now the trouble is I have left home and moved to England a long time ago. I think differently. I use more logic and I have developed my own personality and opinions, which she simply does not accept. She seems disappointed in me, that I have become so different from her other two daughters. That I have different views on so many things, parenting, being one of them. In principle, I do not mind at all helping her out financially. At they say charity starts at home. However, I do not want the pressure. The expectation that I must allocate so much of my little money to her, when she can have a decent living out of the sum of what all her kids give her collectively. Like I would never deny her money if she didn’t have food or essentials. What annoys me is that she spends it randomly then expects more of it, which I feel is so unfair cos I have so many things I would love to fix in my house but can’t pay them as priority right now. Yet she does. And the guilt. Oh my god how she makes me feel so guilty. The constant comparaison between me and my sisters. And how wonderful my sister is. Yes she earns well and has no kids, no mortgage, no loan and it is about time she helped too I thought. Anyhow, it is not so much this, it is more of a troubling feeling that my relationship with my mum is not at all good, very strained, and she just cannot appreciate my position. I feel rubbish that I actually don’t like her and really cringe when I see her calling me. I feel so bad, that when she calls I don’t actually want to pick up and when I do I don’t find anything interesting to talk about.
Also, I feel she doesn’t really care about me. Like I told her about my daughter going to secondary school and her sitting an exam, and when the results are going to be published..etc. She has called me a million times since and not once has she asked about the results. Also my son was poorly, and I told her, she called and started talking at me, without asking if he was getting better. This cold attitude of hers makes me so resentful and I hate it. Then she goes on about how she talks to my kids pictures when she wakes up, cos she misses them. Yet she calls loads and doesn’t essentially ask to see them on FaceTime. I am just going through all this and trying to process it. All this confusion, frustration, anger, disappointment..etc. Really not healthy. I could be in a good mood, until I speak to her then I am suddenly tense and annoyed. How do I handle this?

Oh My, I feel like you!
I haven't spoken to my mum in over a month and mostly it's be great besides the comments she makes to my dc's. ( they are at an Age I wouldn't stop contact as it's not their issues)
But she has become an exh. She's delusional and act like a child.
Supposedly I owe her for having me?...
She's so bad she uploaded a picture of me and my exh on her Facebook even though I'm engaged and have a lo with him.
And my exh has just moved in with his partner and they just got back from a week away with the dc.

I never thought I would actually cut contact and family can think I'm bad, but it gets to a point when you have to put you first and cut the stress. Otherwise it's never bloody ending,

I did have a row with her a few months ago because I was simply fed up and said it as it was. Of course, how dare I say all that to her? I wasn’t being rude or disrespectful at all. I was just expressing my feeling and how I felt she could be supporting and understanding as a mum, instead of demanding money off me. Money that I no longer have. Then she tells me off for working part-time. This is coming from a mum, who stopped working all together before I was born but kept having kids. To my mind, she made irresponsible decisions in her youth and was in a bad relationship with my dad. Her choice, though. I feeel sorry for her that she didn’t have a good childhood and that her adoptive mum was not loving or supportive and neither was dad, when he left her for another woman. Then died and left her with zero income. She doesn’t have a pension and doesn’t get any help from the government. She hasn’t had a wonderful life as such but her kids turned out fine and we all care about her and support her in various ways but she is never satisfied. It is almost like what she is looking for her won’t come from the kids “she made”. Yeah she always says she made us...oh my head hurts just saying it, she “made” us. I am not being ungrateful cos I know she was there for us, as I am here fore my kids I chose to bring to this world, but that doesn’t mean we are her property and must pay her back, out of obligation. It’s this, the obligation that bugs me. She actually told me “Shame on you. You should have a monthly allowance for me if you were a good daughter” and I am like what about my kids? I am responsible for THEM. ... I just feel so rubbish.

How does she have zero income? What country does she live in?

My mum is like this. I think she has naraicistic traits. I don’t like her that much (we have very different world views, politics etc) and it’s always her way or the highway with her so conversations turn into battles very very quickly.
I don’t live near her (different countries, have done for many many years which is no coincidence!)
We speak about 2-3 times a year and communicative thought various dumb memes on fb she posts and the occasional fb messenger between us, usually about her dog. That’s it. I don’t expect any more.... and I’m not disappointed. She NEVER asks how is am, or how my family is. I’ve lived in various countries and I suspect at times she would struggle to say where in the world I was currently living in she is that uninterested.
I did have therapy around this a few years ago whic helped me clarify my opinions and how to maintain some kind of relationship with her, which is would recommend if you are struggling. It’s not natural to feel like this, but honestly, she is just not a very nice person and I happen to be related to her.

Isn’t it sad though? At times I worry that I might become like her so I consciously do everything in my power to nurture my relationship with my kids and support their individuality. I don’t want to ever depend on them or anyone else to bring me happiness and fulfilment. I feel to do that is like placing a burden on the kids shoulders. I think I need some therapy to deal with that. Every time I speak to my husband about it, he says nothing or at best he says she is my mum after all....ooooh how annoying...

Its not you, its your mother. Its not your fault she is the ways she is and you did not make her that way either. She is very much a product of her own dysfunctional abusive upbringing. However, instead of seeking the necessary help she took the low road and has ended up using her own children as cash cows. All this woman cares about is how much cash you can provide her with. Regardless of where she is from, people should not use their children in such a manner which makes me think this is more nuture than cultural. She also went onto have a bad relationship with your own dad which is not surprising; she simply repeated what she knew.

Do you want to maintain any sort of relationship with her?. You do not have to do that. No you do not.

I take it as read your H grew up himself having a nice and importantly emotionally healthy set of parents. He does not get it at all does he. Such comments I would tell him are completely unhelpful, are excusing her behaviours and really show no real understanding.

Honestly Fatizo, the best thing you can do is speak with a therapist (BACP are good) and one at that who has NO repeat NO familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. Interview such people carefully and with due diligence, you need to find someone who fits in with your own approach. Deal properly with your own fear, obligation and guilt re your mother and you will feel happier within your own self for doing so. Make your own self and your family unit far less available to her on the phone. You have physical distance already, now you need mental distance as well.

And you won't become like your mother either because you have two qualities that she very badly lacks; empathy and insight. I would read up on narcissistic personality disorder re your mother and see how much of that reflects with your own experiences of her.

My husband grew in a conventional family. His mom is not overly affectionate but at least she doesn’t get too involved in our lives. She lives her own life, with father in law. Sometimes I envy his normal family. I grew up with a single mum and a bunch of siblings at my grandparents house, never knowing my dad’s family, never having any uncles or aunts or cousins. Mum relied on what dad gave her. She did have a job, that she left because grandma apparently wasn’t looking after my older siblings well. Mum’s story. I think she had a turbulent, unsupportive childhood and lacks realism, to have continued having kids with a husband who chose to be with another woman. I know that sounds odd, but in some parts of the world polygamy was accepted back in the days. It wasn’t until he died that we found out that officially they had divorced two years into the marriage. She denied it and said it was fake paperwork. I dunno. What I know is that dad’s parent never approved of her at the time, hence having no paternal family link. Yet they countinued playing mum and dad for us. I still cannot understand what the hell was going on for 35 years!!! The lies you discover as you grow up, hey. In a way, I am so glad I live so far away. I don’t think I would have coped with regular contacts. But there is this part of me that want to help her, and give her a second chance in life, and I thought I had been doing that. Not just financially but also emotionally but I am feeling like she a. Doesn’t even realise it, b. Not receptive to it, c. Is not responding to it at all.