Please help.. Im sick with worry

[Irishlass85]

Im a newbie and really need some advice. My husband is a great father and a loyal partner but when it come to being a grown up he hasn't a clue!

Money has never been great but we have always managed to get by.. I work part time as we have 3 young children and is self employed but even when he knows a bill or direct debit is needing paid he will not have the money there on time and insists we shouldnt worry as it will be paid eventually. This has led to late payments and at one stage a court summons. By the time all the bill aka mortgage, rates, insurances are paid i am left with zero of my wages. I am on good money but its got to the stage now that i cant afford to pay bills and xmas is catching up on me. The thought of letting my kids down when Santa doesnt bring them what the ask for is killing me and all he keeps saying is "we will work something we always do" I have threatened to leave him so many times but to throw a relationship away over money problems is not what i want. It has got to the stage where im having panic attacks. im not sleeping and when i look at him snoring beside me it want i want to scream. He knows this is killing me. the worry is making me ill! I am at my wits end and just cant deal with this life anymore

Does your partner work? Can he just not control his money, past debts etc?

Do his parents have a similar attitude to money?

This would drive me insane. My anxiety would be through the roof.

to throw a relationship away over money problems is not what i want

When something stops working, you try to fix it. If it can't be fixed then you throw it away. What is he doing to fix the issues in your marriage? Because it sounds to me like he's doing fuck all.

He is not a great father though is he? Let him pay for all the presents.

My anxiety would be through the roof.

I agree, I could not live like that. This is an issue that can be fixed, what is he doing about it?

his mum has a similar attitude. She spoiled him rotten all his life and done everything for him. He does work and brings in money but its got to the stage it is too late.. we are crippled in debt at the min. He hid debts and bills from me for years and when he did eventually come to me we agreed to work through it but even though he brings in money its too late. I seem to be paying for his mistakes all the time. I cant trust him to carry out any simple task like organising toys as he will leave it to the last minute knowing full well i will do it for him.. I feel like a single mother of 4 children

He knows this is killing me. the worry is making me ill! I am at my wits end and just cant deal with this life anymore
Although it appears to be about money - being the route cause, what he is doing is not OK.
It's affecting your health.
It's affecting your life.
Keep ignoring this at your peril.
You would be far better off without him dragging you down.
What is the house situation?

Sorry to be naive, but where is the money that he earns when the bills are due to be paid out? He isn't chasing up customers to pay him, Or he hasn't moved money across accounts, or he is spending money he doesn't have? I ask because it sounds like your actual incomings should cover expenses (you mention you're on good money)- what's happening to it all?

Why have 3 kids with such an irresponsible fuckwit? You'd be better off without him.

to throw a relationship away over money problems is not what i want ... I seem to be paying for his mistakes all the time

It might be the money causing the most issues right now, but deep down isn't it more about his refusal to take responsibility than the actual cash IYSWIM? You mentioned that he's a "loyal partner", but behaving in a manner which causes your wife such anguish isn't my idea of loyalty I'm afraid

Would it be worth telling him very calmly and clearly exactly what this is doing to you? Not in a way that invites him to say "oh, it always works out" but in a manner which puts your needs in the frame for once?

Perhaps his reaction to that might help you with a decision?

If having three children had not made him become financially responsible then I'm afraid he never will. He knows you will bail him out/find excuses for him.

Do you want to live the rest of your life like this?

And being financially irresponsible is a perfectly good reason on its own to finish a marriage.

Oh op. This is FAR more than just a "money issue." He doesn't respect you and you simply can't trust him. The whole foundation of your marriage is a shambles. You are married to a man who has zero concern for your security or welfare. Is this really how you're going to live for the rest of your life?

You need to contact Step Change, OP. My friend's husband works for them and says the relief people feel when someone helps them sort out their debts is incredible. He contacts companies and arranges a lower interest/longer repayment period. Have a look at this website.

He's not a great father or a loyal partner!

Sit down together and work out exactly how much debt you have. Then contact a debt solving charity such as StepChange to get some constructive help.

Start keeping a detailed log of every penny you both spend so that you can see just where your money is going, and start a new financial regime of strictly limited spending.