How not to care?

[NeedToNotCare]

A few weeks ago someone in the family snubbed me and since then I have felt angry, hurt and tired. I am usually quite a strong and tough person (so people say) but I find that being at odds with some people just takes it out of me. It is just a couple of people that "get to me". I don't know why because I can hand on heart say that I am not bothered about what most people think of me. In my own family I have learned not to care about stupid antics or maybe I can just deal with it better. It is just 2 people in our extended family that really get to me. Sorry if this all sounds cryptic.

Anyway, whenever one of these people (its family) snub me I find myself pondering over it for weeks, getting annoyed and it basically negatively takes over my life for a few weeks. In a way, they have won! I am never going to change these people. They are never going to change their attitude towards me. I have gone very, very low contact. What I need to do it not care. I need to be in a room and not give a f&ck about what someone thinks of me or the fact that I have just received a snub. I really need to not give these people head space any more because they would love it if they knew it affected me this much.

Is there a way to reach this type of oblivion? I really, really bloody need it.

Depends what you mean by "snub you".

Talking it through with a therapist eg CBT?

If you have gone very low contact, then that rules the day.
What you may be experiencing is that it is a two way street. They can be low contact with you too (or even no contact if they choose). It goes with the territory.

I am sorry if I come across as being harsh.
I know it can sting to be left out. But try to remind yourself of the reasons for very low contact and do nice things for yourself whenever family crap rears up.

What do you mean by a ‘snub’? It all sounds a bit melodramatic and, I hate to say, childish. But maybe if you expand more it’ll make more sense?

I'm in exactly your shoes right now OP. Saw my parents on Saturday and my mother gave me the silent treatment all day (she is disappointed in me at the moment because I am signed off work following a breakdown). Somehow my brother has managed to get to a place where he doesn't care when she pulls this stuff on him - when I asked him how he does it he was just like, you need to treat her like a stranger on the street shouting at you - you just move on and figure it was their problem not yours. But I don't know how. It eats me up inside when she does this kind of thing to me. It makes me feel like I have no family at all except my wonderful DH.

I'm actually meaning to call a local counselling service to make an appointment and talk about it but I'm afraid they're just going to take my money and then say "you have to find a way to stop caring"...well I know that already thanks!

I'm so sorry. It's utterly shit isn't it.

I'm trying to do a lot of exercise and self-care, and get the house into better order. At least then I'll prove that I love myself and deserve better than the silent treatment. And doing the GCHQ puzzle books and watching my way through all of Star Trek Voyager while doing washing and stuff. Things to stop my brain dwelling on it.

I usually expect "snub" to mean someone has invited every member of the family except you to an event of some sort. But it doesn't sound like that's how you mean it?

If they are being verbally horrible to you, the best thing is probably to turn to your nearest family member and remark loudly, "God, s/he's an awful cunt, isn't s/he?"

Plan B: always have a glass of something bright and sticky in your hand (Ribena works well) and then accidentally trip over and spill it all over them. Apologise profusely whilst explaining that your doctor has diagnosed you with a condition called Rectal aversion dyspraxia . Means you become very clumsy in the presence of total arseholes.

OK, this is going to sound childish I know but they didn't acknowledge a milestone birthday. Sounds petty but believe me they are really big on birthdays. If I ignored theirs all hell would break loose. They knew about it.

AndTheBand, I know you are right and that I should expect it back. I just need to process this through my head and get to a place where I am OK with it and well, don't care. You are right, I did start it. I went low contact and it is a 2 way street.

Happy Birthday!

You are a free and independent person. You can make your own traditions that reflect exactly what you want to do. Be open to new possibilities. Even if you are all alone, you can have a rockin’ day. This goes for the holidays too. Being busy doing your own thing will make what they are doing less important...even irrelevant.

I know it will be hard at first because you have been trained/brainwashed into habits of “how things are done” - whether it is family unit rules or the wider society expectations (think “Hallmark”). It is ok to redefine things (especially expectations!) for what works for you.

Now that they have ignored your milestone birthday, you are very well validated to ignore theirs going forward. (Yeah, silver lining )