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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

No Trust - Should I leave?

20 replies

HollyLM · 06/11/2018 11:19

Hi everyone, I’ve messaged on here before and so yes, I’m still stuck in this relationship! To cut a long story short we have a 3 year old DD to which as soon as she was born my partners behaviur changed. We’ve been together for 6 years now. He’s lied, sold drugs, taken drugs, had a problem with alcohol and invited escorts into our family home (his house) during a break when I was at my mums - GROSS! I went mad and swore it was over! Somehow I’ve found myself back, I don’t know how? I don’t trust him at all or believe a word he says - BUT when he makes the effort to change it pulls on my heart strings because he can be a good guy. He adores his children (2 more from previous) - he has a good job, very professional at work and so 100% a split personality! A few months back he threw beer over me in front of his children because I said something he didn’t like? He didn’t apologise or acknowledge it at all. Since then he hasn’t had a single drink and has gone back to being the him that makes me find leaving so hard! Im 30 and would have to go back home toll o sorted a home of my own - I panic that I’ll be alone forever and not have any more children. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I have lost myself massively and am defiantly staying through fear of the unknown and worrying it will upset my daughter if we leave??? She adores him! And he adores her! Everyone around me says to leave! Please help, I’m going out of my mind! And oh.... he says he only ‘chatted’ to the Escorts because He was alone and upset over our situation!

OP posts:

BrainWormsWontWin · 06/11/2018 11:24

If this was your daughter what would you tell her? Because you're modelling for her what relationships look like. I don't say this often but LTB and quick.

AlohaFi · 06/11/2018 11:31

he says he only ‘chatted’ to the Escorts because He was alone and upset over our situation

yeah no....

Original poster

HollyLM · 06/11/2018 11:33

What if he’s changed for the better and this is a permanent fix?! I fear regret! Take away all the negative - we have a good life! (I think!) and I totally trapped, deluded and completely lost my mind in all this??? x

OP posts:

Original poster

HollyLM · 06/11/2018 11:34

* am I totally....

OP posts:

Chocolate123 · 06/11/2018 11:36

So you've posted here before and obviously ignored the advice and are back again. The fact you are back means this will keep happening unless you leave

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/11/2018 11:45

You have lost your own self over the past few years by being with this person at all, that is what is wrong with you. Also your daughter and fear of being alone keeps you with this person too. Neither your child or your fear of being alone (well you would not be alone anyway because you have your DD) are in any way good enough reasons to stay with this person. What you describe here is really a slow death by 1000 cuts.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up; was your childhood similarly disordered as to how your DDs now is?.
Being with this person at all stops your own self from potentially having further children and being with someone who is actually nice.
You're showing this man that you will tolerate any nasty behaviour from him because your boundaries in relationships are pretty much non existent. He has done much to diminish both those and you as a person to the frankly awful existence with him you write about now.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/11/2018 11:48

Holly

re your comment:-
"What if he’s changed for the better and this is a permanent fix?!"

Oh please. What do you see from him in front of your very eyes here?. You've probably wanted him to change for the better throughout your relationship and it has not happened yet and it won't happen either. He really did hit paydirt when he met you and he actively targeted you also.

What are you getting out of this relationship?. What needs of your own are being met here?.

This is who he is and what sort of role model is he to your DD as well?. You want her thinking that yes this is how men treat women in relationships; for her to be as abused as you are now?.

Original poster

HollyLM · 06/11/2018 12:03

Believe me, I know right from wrong and I have days when I have all the strength in the world to leave then I have days like today where it just seems like the world is fallen apart around me! I know the behaviour is awful and that it doesn’t matter how could he ‘can’ be there will always be moments when I feel like enough is enough. My upbringing was similar - hence my mums frustration for me to leave. Patterns are repeating. I said to him the other day I can’t carry on - and made an example of the beer throwing! His response was well like isn’t perfect so it may happen again! Like WTF! There’s no way either that he just ‘chatted’ to an escort is there?!

OP posts:

SilverySurfer · 06/11/2018 12:08

he says he only ‘chatted’ to the Escorts because He was alone and upset over our situation

Of course he did - poor, lonely bloke. You don't seriously believe this bullshit do you?

Is it a case of any man is better than no man? Otherwise why are you still with him?

AlohaFi · 06/11/2018 12:11

His response was well like isn’t perfect so it may happen again!

Are you ok with having beer thrown at you? and when the beer isnt enough to throw at you when he gets upset, is it ok to throw a rock at you? Or when he really gets mad a chair? When he gets mad while you are holding your child and then he throws a glass at you?

NotTheFordType · 06/11/2018 12:13

I've been an escort for many years and I have never, ever had a "just chat" booking except for one client with severe disabilities.

He is being nice to you right now because he sensed you were on the verge of leaving. Google "nice/nasty cycle of abuse". It's designed to keep you on the back foot, always hoping things will stay good and then when he turns nasty again, he will blame you because "you're pissing me off/you don't give me enough sex/you're neglecting me in favour of our child/I don't like the way you looked at that bloke in Tesco car park/bullshit bullshit bullshit."

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/11/2018 12:15

Not surprised sadly to see that your own upbringing itself was similar. But it is still no reason to at all stay with him. One generation i.e. you has been and remains profoundly affected by the mistakes of adults, do you want your DD to learn the same damaging stuff because of your own poor choices?.

Original poster

HollyLM · 06/11/2018 12:52

.....so is it VERY unlikely that any Escort from any business would go to someone’s house and just ‘chat’ So someone? I don’t even know why I’m asking really - probably just sick of facing reality sometimes!

OP posts:

Holdingonbarely · 06/11/2018 13:01

I would say he’s definitely changed and he will never do anything like he has again.

Do you believe me

YelenaSabra · 06/11/2018 15:13

OP, I completely understand the fear of being alone or not meeting someone new, but from what you have described, you can do better. Also, without trust, there can be no relationship.

Original poster

HollyLM · 06/11/2018 17:05

I feel like I’m going insane....despite everything he has done, why do I feel desperate to not loose him?

OP posts:

Holdingonbarely · 06/11/2018 18:08

Think about what you’re actually scared to lose. Hard

Original poster

HollyLM · 07/11/2018 08:51

I just feel so hopeless! I wake up every single morning... riddled with anxiety and not knowing what to do? I know I should leave but I have this feeling that I'll miss him so much!

OP posts:

AlohaFi · 09/11/2018 07:08

riddled with anxiety and not knowing what to do

Well theres no rush to decide right now is there? Are you safe with him for the time being? Maybe just stay put and think about things and then make a choice when you are sure about it.

ShatnersWig · 09/11/2018 08:28

OP, you know what we all think. We've been telling you on all your threads. It's not going to be any different, no one is going to tell you anything other than give your fucking head a wobble and think of your daughter and give her something fucking better than this. I don't know why you keep coming back time after time. What do you want us to say you've not already been told umpteen times?

Oh, and as for your other thread of yesterday which began like this:

I'm 30 - about to leave my current relationship as it's destroying me! Is there still time for me to meet Mr Right, set up a new home and have more children?

You know what. Stop bloody focusing on wanting more children, wanting to meet another man already. You're bloody 30! You do NOT need a man to validate your existence. Get out of this pile of shit you've been wallowing in for years, get counselling as to why you accept being treated like this, and stay bloody single for a while and just enjoy being you, having a normal life, and bringing some stability and calm into your daughter's life. If a bloke pops up down the line, all well and good, but you really, really, shouldn't be thinking about another man now or for some considerable time.

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