Is this new guy taking me for granted? - I need your views, mumsnet!

[lore1988]

Hi guys

Met a man (30, same age as me) on online dating early September (so 2 months ago). When I first met him, I was a bit thrown as he wasn't my usual type physically, but there was loads of chemistry there which I don't come across easily these days so I was optimistic about him.

At the start, we would go out on proper "dates" at least once a week (weekends usually) which would usually end up in us having sex and sleeping over. We would normally do one or two things a week as well like cinema or lunch that would not involve sex. He would also drop in that he had deleted his dating profile and would ask questions about what I wanted from the future (marriage, kids) etc which we were both on the same page about, and I took it as a positive that he was enquiring as I'm ready for a serious relationship now. He was really affectionate with me in public and we have lots in common. During the 2nd or maybe 3rd week of dating we probably saw each other 4 times in total. He was good at initiating conversation over text during the day, etc, and yea everything was going well for the first 2-3 weeks.

But quite quickly I think he has now began taking me for granted:

• He has pushed and pushed towards "hanging out" dates at either one of our flats despite me dropping in that I still think we should be making an effort to go out more with each other. These dates have recently not ended up in sex so I don't think him just wanting sex is the issue here.
• He doesn't seem to have told his friends about me, and I haven't met any of them. We also don't follow each other on any social media. This, coupled with the point above makes me wonder if he is trying to hide me. FYI he has met quite a few of my friends now.
• I never feel that I am at the top of his priority list, but then, should I be this early on? He often makes me feel like watching or playing sport comes before me, as does any plans with his friends. Just an example is when I suggested over text we see each other a few Saturdays ago, he said that will be OK because he has no other plans to go out with his friends that night? That really upset me but I have so far let it go? Should I have challenged it, or would that come across as a bit crazy/needy!?
• We have had no conversations about exclusivity. I've deleted my dating profiles (he doesn't know that, mind you, he hasn't asked me), and obviously he said he had early on, but we are in this limbo phase now where I have no clue what we actually are. Just for the record, I like him and want exclusivity with him.
• He won't stay over my flat or have me stay over his because he wakes up for work at 6am
• There is next to no flirting over text anymore and the physical side of things has dropped lately because we haven't seen each other on weekends and the point above about not staying over.

He came out of a relationship just over a year ago and says he felt "smothered" during it, so on the one hand I think to myself "Okay he's just taking this one slower", but then at other points I wonder if he is taking me for a complete mug? I am also conscious that I can be quite aloof, stubborn and hard to read at times, and I wouldn't want to think that any of his behaviour above is as a result of me thinking maybe I'm not interested? In his defence he continually keeps texting and sometimes phone call conversation going so his interest appears to be there?

I don't know what I'm trying to say or ask. Just trying to get some views. Is this something I should pursue? AIBU? Do I challenge the behaviour above or just accept this won't work and walk away? Do I just pull back generally and see if he chases? Is it too early to ask for exclusivity?

I take it you’ve not talked about his it’s going and what you want?

Tbh doing 2 other things in the week involving paying out can be expensive. DH and I only had hanging out dates as he was doing an apprenticeship so had no money to spare.

Also, I think it’s fine to say an evening is ok as you’re not seeing your mates. It also gives an opportunity to talk about the friends and find out more about the people he likes and his attitudes.

I personally would advise having the chat and make your decisions after that. It’s bound to all be a bit wishy washy and lacking commitment if you’re not even exclusive or boyfriend/girlfriend.

You’ll get the usual suggestions that’d he’s already in a relationship with someone else and just not that into you, but if could just be that things need to develop if you want more from it.

I'd pull back.

And just FYI, my friends and family always come first over a guy.
I'm very booked up during this silly season and if a potential date wanted to fit in around that, that is what would happen.
I would NOT be cancelling any dates with friends or family for a new man.
Just no.

Get back to on line dating.
Don't put your eggs in one basket so early on.
If you have his phone number, I'd be doing some digging on social media / google.
He may have a partner or a wife?

I think it's quite early but more to do with expenses he might not be able to fund going out as often?

Joysmum - thank you. No, we haven't had the talk about how things are going as I am too chicken to raise it at the moment! I will soon. I totally take on board your point about money, too. We both have similar incomings and outgoings, I'm not saying I want to go out constantly but I sometime's worry he's hiding me :( maybe that's my own insecurity talking.

hellsbellsmelons - I agree, I wouldn't cancel plans with family or friends either, and haven't done so since I've met him. But I'm not asking him to do that. It just seems like sometimes if I suggest a day/night, he will double check he doesn't have any other options (e.g. going out with friends) before committing, which is totally different from cancelling plans with them for me. I wouldn't expect him to do that. I agree maybe I have put my eggs in one basket too early, though, but not sure how I feel about going back on online dating now?

Unicornandbows - thank you, I needed a reminder of this I think. I've reverted to assuming he's not interested in me but it could well be about money and I need to be more responsive about that.

Just ask him. All this exclusivity stuff is crazy. Why would it be ok for him or you to be sleeping with 2 or more people at once?

If he likes you as much as you like him then ask him and his answer will be yes

I think especially in the first few months of dating its hard to let the other person know if you are broke or short of cash, they might be slightly embarrassed. I think because your relationship isn't at the point where you are openly able to discuss everything (still getting to know each other/ feelings developing) I would just see how things progress and not over think too much as I'm sure it will all fall into place naturally as your relationship continues.

The thing about money is true for me as when I started dating my dh I was short of money and would be embarrassed to say that to him (I never had to pay for any of the going out he would not let me) so when he suggested to go over to his house for date nights I was really happy as I didn't have the stress of having enough just in case.

Maybe you just aren't compatible.

I wouldn't be introducing someone to friends or family after only a few months. Wouldn't ditch plans with friends for a date (or a sports match or training). I would also find seeing someone 2-3+ times a week quite full on and definitely not be up for an expensive stuff frequently either. But I would lose a lot of women/men being as I am....hence incompatibility.

So nothing you've said sounds that bad to me. But I would decide whether you're happy to carry on as you are, and if on balance you are then have "the chat" so you know where you stand re exclusivity etc. If you arent then he aint for you. Sleeping with or dating multiple people seems to be quite a marmite thing for people. Some people don't understand why you would and some why you wouldn't. Most people I know would assume they weren't exclusive unless specified, but maybe that's an age thing with the advent of OLD and all that- dont know.

To be honest the physical stuff dwindling after a matter of weeks seems a big issue...! Doesn't bode well

If I'm being honest I'd say I think this one has basically run out of legs. He's just not that bothered. If you're happy with a FWB arrangement then crack on, but otherwise I'd be saying "This isn't really working for me anymore. All the best, take care."

I wouldn't bother to have 'the chat'

I'd just get on living my life without him, having fun, get back into OLD.

If he wants to see you and you happen to be free, fine. If not, he can wait.

It's 3 months since you started seeing him. Not even worth stressing over imo.

If it's meant to be, it'll work without angst and pressure and stress

Sadly he just doesn’t seem that into you.
Mainly because you e come to here to ask so you’ve a gut feeling somewhere

Agree with PP regarding not to bother with 'the chat.'
Of course, he isn't prioritising you, he's only known you two months and you aren't his girlfriend. You are a girl he has sex with on a occasion and likes to hang with when he has no other plans.
He doesn't need to make any effort any more (dates) with you--he has you as an FWB and for company.
I found what you said in your OP about being ready for a serious relationship interesting. You didn't mention about it being with him.
You're settling, OP.
Up your standards and move on. Don't settle just case you are ready for long term.