Confused

[Noodledoodlesandspud]

This might be massively outing but never mind.

Its a long one sorry.

I've posted on here before about 'D'H. He had an awful upbringing which left him a bit of an emotional mess. He had a very brief emotional affair when DS1 was about 13 months, I found out so I'm not sure what would have happened if I hadn't. He was very appologtic and we moved on as best we could. H is also crap with money and many of our arguments are to do with money. He was in a lot of debt when we met and we spent a long time paying it off. A few years ago he then took out a credit card without telling me. I was extremely pissed off and we nearly broke up over it but again worked through it. He started a business (which with his history with money and organisation was a stupid idea) it crashed and burned within a year but he still has a business loan to pay off. He then went on to retrain in a completely different field which left us even tighter than ever financially. He now has a part time job in his new field and a part time job in his old field until he can get more hours in his new field. In his time weve had two more dc.

Anyway the other day saw a statement from the business loan saying no payments had been made for the last 6 months. I asked H what was going on and he said it was a mistake and he would sort it out. But he couldn't 'find' any bank statements or anything proving he'd been paying it. Everything came to a bit of a head and I told him to leave. He agreed but slept in the spare room until he could find somewhere to live.

Now the really complicated bit... I go to an independent gym once a week which is run by the owner and 2 other instructors. I've become good friends with one instructor and I've had a bit of a silly crush on him (ill call him A) . I'd never have acted on it as I'm married and he had a partner. Recently he's split with his partner and has full custody of his young daughter. I went to the gym a few days after I'd told H to go and I got a bit emotional. A saw me crying by the lockers and asked me what was wrong and I told him I'd kicked H out. He was very lovely about it and I didn't think anything about it. The other day I was chatting to A and I mentioned that i wasnt shifting my weight as quickly as I wanted as I've been emotionally eating since all this happend. I mentioned something about feeling ugly and he said in an off hand way 'I think youre beautiful'. I think he was just trying to cheer me up. But recently he's hinted at wanting to spend time together. Part of me thinks he's just being friendly as I can't see why a very fit and attractive man (who is 3 years younger than me) would find me attractive when I'm about 2st over weight, and don't have time to worry about my appearance.

To throw a real spanner in the works H has still been living in the house as he can't afford a place of his own. H asked if we could chat the other day and he asked if we could work on things. I agreed partly because I'm a wimp and I was worried about being a single mum. Also my dc idolise their dad and I felt awful taking them away from him (although I'd never stop him seeing themas much as he want). H said maybe we should go to counselling and I agreed and he said he would sort it. He said he would sort it to prove he was serious. I gave him one number to ring, he rang them but they don't have space on the days we can do but he hasn't tried anyone else. I also suggested he go back to individual counselling to work through his past as he stopped that abruptly a few yesrs ago and I think he has a lot of unresolved issues. He agreed to arrange that but hadn't done anything about it either. He also can't show me anything to prove he's been sorting things with the loan company. H however has been making an effort on other things for example he's been helping more around the house (I've recently gone back to work and he was still leaving me to do all the housework), he's completed diy jobs he's been ignoring.

I feel really confused. On one hand I want to make my marriage work (and I definetly dont want to throw it away on a stupid crush) but on the other hand I don't know if I'm making a mistake with H. Even if things didn't work out with H I wouldn't want to rush into another relationship anyway.

Sorry for the long post. I think basically what I'm asking is what the hell should I do?

You'll end up bankrupt if you stay with that man.

What's the rush to start a new relationship? Do you find it difficult to be alone? Your alternative to a bad husband shouldn't be the next person you set eyes on!

I can see why you are confused.

However, based on your post I think you didn't expect the gym instructor to react the way he did. If we take him out of the equation I single handedly believe kicking your husband out was a good call he has broken your trust financially multiple times and at the end of the day you are already acting as a single parent financially.

If you do want to have a go at making it work would you be 100% behind this or do you feel its got to a point where he is a good father and that is as far as it goes?

I wouldnt do anything with the gym guy. That will just confuse you more.

What would you want to happen with your husband? What would want you to be with him?

Is he generally a guy who cant get things done? Maybe set up the first counseling appointment yourself? I know my husband would have a very difficult time finding a counselor, but is willing to go if I set it up for us.
I also take care of most finances, everything that is in my name and joint, I take care of. He takes care of his personal ones, like his phone, car, hobbys etc.

Sorry, thought I replied yesterday but it obviously didn't send.
H is very disorganised which impacts on a lot of things, finances being the major one but it also effects other things, for example his business failing, forgetting to take things into school for the boys (drinks, PE kit etc), losing a special hand stitched bib my parents had made for ds3 (he lost it before ds3was even born), forgetting to buy Christmas/birthday presents for me (which makes me feel in appreciated, and I have to buy all the Christmas presents for family and friends). The list goes on.

When we talk about these things he makes an effort for a few weeks and then goes back to his old ways. He's already getting lazy again after less than a week.

Imagine there was no Mr A, just to simplify things.

Ask yourself - do you love your husband? Do you want to be with him in 10 years, 20 years?

Therein lies the answer I think.

I don't think you're throwing your marriage away for a silly crush. I think if you wanted to work on your marriage, the gym instructor wouldn't have been important enough to mention in your post.

No, you shouldn't take this friendship further, but take a little confidence boost from it.

Meanwhile, do you really want your marriage to work? There's a difference between not wanting a failed marriage (none of us do) to really wanting THIS marriage to work. He's shown he even lets you down when he is supppsed to be trying his best to fix things.

Also, quite rightly, you are leaving it all to HIM to sort. Even if a miracle happened, he can't save this marriage alone. Just turning up to counselling isn't going to make you check back in OP.

IMO, when you're just going through the motions through fear, there's no going back really. It's time to be brave, say it's over. You deserve happiness.

As an aside, you helped him pay off major debts, supported his choice to start a business, change careers. He's had 3 chances to make a better life for your family and he's messed it up again. It's OK to say enough now.

I do think it's partly (alot) to do with the fear of being alone, having to learn to do things in a different way (routines etc). I don't seem to know how I feel at the moment. Some days things feel OK and other days I just think what's the point.

He's still being really dismissive when I ask about the loan. He keeps saying the company haven't given me an answer yet, the will in the next few days but surely if he's sent bank statments etc to them showing payments (which he says he has) then they should be able to sort it relatively quickly.

You don’t believe him though do you? He’s obviously just buying himself some time.

@lovingliving no I don't believe him. I want to but its just nagging at me. Its been a few weeks and still not resolved, which seems odd if it was just an error on their part a H can prove it.

It wasn't a mistake he didn't pay his loan. You don't forget, and you get letters /phone calls warning you.

Personally, I can't sbidevliars do that would be it for me.

How much of his debts have you helped him pay back? He sounds like an irresponsible user.

Agree, don't go there with gym guy while you are so fragile. Take care x

Inthink you need to get the husband situation all out in the table, tell him to work through XYZ as it's his last chance, give him a hands and support him properly this last time

Gym boy .... you may be one of many so be cautious

I just asked H if he had heard anything from the loan company yet. He said he spoke to them yesterday and they were still sorting it. I asked if I could see the bank statements he had sent them as I wanted to see them before but he said that he didn't have online banking for that account. I told him to ring the bank and get copies sent out (this was 3 weeks ago).
He said he didn't have the bank statements so I asked to see the emails he sent. He said his email account had randomly deleted all his sent email
I then asked if he had the paper copies the bank had sent him. He said the bank hadn't sent him anything so I asked what he had sent to tge loan company. He does this thing when he's been caught in aloe where he just freezes. He did that and when I asked him to tell me the truth he said he forgot and he hadn't sent them anything. I asked how he could have been ringing them for updates for the last few weeks why didn't they say he hadn't sent anything. He just kept saying he didn't know. He's gone to work and I'm sat at home seething.