Struggling with my ex.

[DeeStopia]

This may be long. I don't know why I'm posting really. I'm just finding it all very difficult at the moment.

We have 2 children. We've been separated for almost 6 years. He was meant to move out of the family home so that the children didn't have to move home and school- but just didn't go. So I have been renting for years. The house is jointly owned.

Since we separated, we've been on good terms. He has been coming here for Christmas and birthdays, we've got on well. He stayed here last year when he had a period of serious depression (I slept on the floor.) But now, I have met someone else, and have also started divorce proceedings. My ex has totally switched. He is cold and mean, he sabotaged my holiday with my new bf, and, this is the worst bit, he is unkind to the kids.

They had four days with him over half term and they were both texting me saying they wanted to come home. When I picked them up, the eldest (13) said that Dad had been unkind and had shouted at them the whole time, and didn't seem to like them anymore.

Now, I know this is depression. I am terrified that he's going to kill himself. But I can't keep looking after him. I'll have no life of my own, and I need to be stable and strong for my children. They need to know that this is not OK.

I just find it so hard to switch off my caring. My new bf is (understandably) furious with my ex, with good reason. And I need to learn to find that anger too really, because at the moment I am just worried and afraid for my ex.

Divorce him, sort your financials and if kids don’t want to see him, don’t force them.

He is not your responsibility! I understand you'll have a forever connection due to the kids but you have to focus on them and make sure they are safe as well as look after yourself. I agree with 7yo. Divorce & keep contact to a bare minimum i.e. solely about the kids.

Thank you both. I am struggling so much with this and I don't really know why. I think he's always been controlling and that is why I find it hard to break off (he's a lot older and was always the boss- I never ever felt like the strong one, though I need to be now.) I find it hard that I'm looking back at my own past and seeing it differently. Wondering how I could have got it so wrong, and hoping so very much that my children will be okay.

Children are incredibly resilient. I would tell him like it is, that the children don't want to see him when he is being like this & unless he sees a doctor regarding his depression, you'll minimise contact.
It is understandable why you're struggling, you spent a section of your life with this man & had his children.

Depression my big fat arse. He's controlling and manipulative and he's kept you dancing on his every whim for the past 6 years.

I'm not saying he doesn't have depression, I'm saying his depression is not the cause of him being a total prick and a shit parent.

That is the general view NotTheFord - I feel like I've been a total doormat these last years. Paying rent when he lives in a massive house we both own, caring for him when he was unwell, always sticking up for him. He did something horrible last week (made up a story about his health which meant that me and new bf couldn't go on holiday together- my first holiday in well over a decade) and the realisation hit me.