Stalker Dad

[BigFrieze]

I had a bit of a breakdown a while back after losing my job and struggled with my MH since (depression and anxiety). I'm in my mid 40s, married, 2 kids (that's all kinda fine) but I'm the product of a very dysfunctional family and have a very challenging relationship with my parents. They're both alcoholics, in their early 70s now, my mum likes to put me down at every opportunity and my dad's very controlling - neither of them work or have any friends or hobbies, and they don't get along with each other, so throughout my adult life their (unhealthy) focus has been on me. So when I lost my job and my MH went into freefall, I decided I really had to focus on me, getting myself better, and I didn't feel able to continue to deal with my parents' dysfunctional issues on top of my own. So I told them, politely, that I needed some space and I would contact them when I'm ready. However, my dad was incessantly calling me on WhatsApp but I ignored his calls - however when I went on WhatsApp to read/send messages to friends he would immediately call me (he clearly waits to see when I come online) and then when I didn't answer he would send me furious messages. It got so bad I blocked him on WhatsApp, so then he started incessantly calling me on FB Messenger and sending me angry messages on there saying how dare I block him on WhatsApp. So then I blocked him on FB too. For a few weeks I didn't hear from him, so I thought good, he understands now and (feeling guilty about having blocked him) I unblocked him, but virtually as soon as I unblocked him (like the same day) the same pattern started all over again, with him telling me not to dare blocking him again and continuing to try to call me incessantly. So instead of blocking him, I just deleted my WhatsApp and FB. This was back in the Summer. I'm now feeling much better MH wise and feel ready to start looking for a new job (and financially I need to do so). I bumped into friend today and she told me to get back on WhatsApp as we have a group chat with a few of us in where we would organise social outings etc. So I reinstalled WhatsApp on my phone and (despite it having been deleted for a few months) I noticed I had hundreds of missed WhatsApp calls from my dad, every single day (including today), sometimes several times a day and in the middle of the night. And it's really freaked me out and set me back MH wise. I have a home phone but he's never called on that (presumably because he knows my husband will be aware and may pick up) and he has my email address but has never emailed. But he just hounds me on social media, unless I block him or delete all the apps. The thing is, I was feeling so much better and starting to feel that maybe I could handle speaking to my parents, but seeing all those hundreds of missed calls from my dad today has just really freaked me out and I'm now really on edge all over again. I just don't know what to do, it doesn't seem like normal behaviour and it's making me feel really uncomfortable. But I don't want to delete WhatsApp again because I want to keep in the loop with my social groups on there. And I don't know how to talk to him - if I've talked to him, or emailed him, in the past and said anything that he finds vaguely critical of him, then he'll say things like "Oh that's right, I've made a real mess of everything, now you hate me too, I may as well just end it all." And I don't know how to handle that because when I was at Uni he did try to kill himself, in his car with a hose attached to the exhaust, but was found before it was fatal. I am terrified that if I raise anything with him that he might take as criticism, then he may well do something like that again. So that's why I just said at the outset that I need some space while I'm sorting out my MH issues (without saying that I can't handle their dysfunctionality), but he's just ignoring what I said and his behaviour's really not helpful, it's creeping me out. I just don't know what to do and could really do with some advice. I feel like a frickin 14 year old writing this, wtf?!!!

I don't have any experience of this, but didn't want to read and not reply.

Your dad's behaviour is very definitely not normal, and he's causing you to become isolated from your friends

I don't use Whatsapp, but I wonder if it would be possible for you to create another name or profile for yourself which you would share only with your friends so you can keep in normal social contact with them. Same with Facebook. I have a friend who changed her name on FB because she was getting hassle from one individual, and she shared the new name with the rest of us, explaining why.

Sorry, my keyboard is playing up so having to be more abrupt.

As for the wider picture of his behaviour and your worries about his reactions. Have you ever looked for support from organisations like AlAnon who work with family members of alcoholics? They could be a good source of advice and support from people who know what it's like. They provide help over the phone and usually have groups who meet up regularly.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. None of it is your fault and you're not responsible for any decisions your dad makes.

You seem like a very strong and insightful person, and it's no wonder that you're struggling in this horrible situation.

bigfrieze you had it right at stalker.
He is. He's being abusive and controlling with his suicide threats.
As hard as it is you have to know, really know, that his actions are his own. If you tell him he has to stop, which he does, and he then threatens suicide, call the police to alert them of his intentions. You can do no more. Then you have to step away. No wonder it has been disrupting your mental health!
Good advice above about setting up different accounts.

If you reported all this to Paladin, they will tell you its stalking and illegal. Just because he's your dad makes no difference. What he's doing is wrong. No wonder your DM wants nothing to do with him.

Get a new phone & don’t give him your number. I know it is an inconvenience changing numbers but it is better than him hounding you & making you feel anxious.

Keep him blocked. I'm not sure why you unclocked him and why you would delete your communication tools rather than keep him blocked.

Change your number

I had similar from my mother, she is an alcoholic and has serious problems and I am now NC. It is awful. Blocking was no use as I kept getting notifications Everytime I saw her number my stomach would knot and I would even have panic attacks. What helped me was Dh eventually took one of the calls and said everything I wanted to say but she listened to him and stopped ringing. If that hadnt worked I would have changed my phone. I think my lightbulb moment was Dh stepping in and pointing out the impact my mental deterioration was having on our family.
It is very hard but there are 2 things to remember:

1. You are not responsible for your father's behaviour/mental health
2. Your family needs/wants a mentally strong you, make that your priority.

He’s harassing and stalking you.

Report this to the police. I’m serious. He sounds dangerous, and if he takes this any further you will be glad you made them aware. I’m not usually one to say ‘log it with the police’, but in this case you absolutely should.

Change your number and block him. Leave the other number active so he can call to his hearts content and you don’t have to look at it.

I think your mental health with continue to improve without him in your life.

Perhaps the logical conclusion is that your MH issues stem in part from your parents own MH issues? Is it not sensible to remain distant from them if you feel better apart? I know that my own MH suffered greatly with contact with mine, and distance (physical and virtual) really improved things for me. When circumstances (their final illnesses) forced me to spend time in their company, my mental health really took a nosedive and after their deaths, I have really questioned my sanity for "doing the right thing." I have begun to wonder who the hell I was doing it for, exactly - as it certainly wasn't the right thing for me or my husband and kids, looking back now. (Hindsight is so very valuable, isn't it?)

There is a way of changing the settings on WhatsApp and messenger so that it doesn't show your online status, or show when you've read a message. I would suggest the changing number too if I'm honest.

Block him.

Keep him blocked.

Block his emails, WhatsApp and Facebook.

Thank you everyone for the replies, it's really helpful for me to hear that you all think the same as me and it's not me going mad or being selfish. I have a younger brother (who doesn't get the same treatment from them as I do, never has) and he told me that I'm completely selfish for wanting space from my parents. My husband won't do or say anything (bloke stuff, doesn't want to upset another bloke) and my MIL says I should just swallow it and accept them for what they are whilst they're still around. The fact is I can't do what my MIL says though as dealing with them really does impact negatively on my MH (as one poster said I'm certain my MH issues stem from my dysfunctional upbringing and my relationship with them - since distancing myself I've had so many lightbulb moments as to why I react in certain ways and feel and think and do certain things). But I am terrified of them dying and feeling overwhelming guilt if I haven't seen or spoken to them. Weirdly, because growing up and even in adulthood my relationship with my mum was always the worst (her physical and emotional abuse was always very overt, whereas my dad's behaviour was more insidious and it's only really over the last few years that I've recognised it as controlling and abusive), I would really like to speak to her and could handle that - but there's no way of contacting her without my dad knowing. She has no email or mobile phone, she does have a FB account but that was set up and is controlled by my dad, he opens her post and I can't call the house phone as he's always there (as he's no longer able to drive due to a chronic illness related to his alcohol consumption, and they live in the middle of nowhere so you can't get anywhere without a car, so he never leaves the house except when my mum gives him lifts for his medical appointments). But anyway, yes I have blocked him from everything now, but feel extremely anxious and just really really uneasy and uncomfortable, I have no idea what his next move will be.

I could've written your post, right down to the suicide attempt (different method though).
My dad has been blocked since Feb and I have to keep it that way, I know he will have been ringing and texting since then in a harassing manner.

I've had some counselling and that really helped, also you could have a look at the FB page COAisathing (COA= children of alcoholics), there's a secret FB group you can join via that page. We are all adult children of alcoholics and it's a really supportive and helpful place.

I do believe that part of what you start to feel as a result of severing connection is the grieving their loss, living loss, and as part of that acknowledging their possibly deaths at any point, and dealing with that now to give you some resilience in the event.
I think what you are going through is only natural to feel and an important process of finally separating from them, for your mental well-being. It's a normal reaction to an abnormal situation

If it makes you feel better, OP, I totally get how you feel when your reaction to your parents becomes YOUR MH problems.... It is grossly unfair when it is actually a logical response. While it is entirely your choice, everyone around you has an opinion but doesn't have to deal with the constant barrage of messages, etc.... it's too bloody much, isn't it? I hate unsolicited advice, I really do. I'm going to sing a song instead.
Block blockety block blockety block block block blockety blockety blockety blockety block.
No hints or anything.
I hope you get some peace of mind from this knowing you're not alone with this scenario. I hope they start haranguing other people like they have been you, and then they have a lightbulb moment and realise that perhaps you've been suffering for years and not being a drama llama at all. (But don't hold your breath - your parents have probably had your role assigned since birth.)