So ashamed of how I feel

[Sosad18]

NC for this as I don’t want it linked to my usual account.
I have a terrible relationship with my mother. We do speak but she’s a truly awful and selfish human being. She’s never cared about anyone but herself. I’m not even sure why I maintain any sort of relationship with her. Maybe because I would feel bad cutting her off despite all the awful things she’s done.

Anyway, today I learned that yet another close friend of my mine lost their mum last week. This has been the third in a few months. All of my friends mums were lovely people and adored their families. My first thought upon hearing the news is “when will it be my turn”. As in, I want it to be my turn! And that’s why I feel ashamed. I will see my mum dying as a release and I know that’s not normal. It seems so unfair that nice mums, who mean a lot to their families are dying but my mum lives on and on.

I want to change my feelings towards my mum but I just don’t know how. I feel absolutely terrible for feeling the way I do but I don’t know how to change it. I know I’m a terrible person for feeling this way but obviously I can’t talk to anyone in rl about it as they would be understandably horrified. I’m not even sure what I’m asking here. Maybe just if anyone has any advice on how to change how I feel.

Have you read any books on toxic parents? I would really recommend doing a bit of self study and do thinking on this. With a toxic relative you may fib the negative emotions persist even after they die. Do some work on yourself note. Try to find a way to let the relationship- and your futile hopes for it - go, so that you can find freedom NOW instead of waiting for her to die: a situation which, naturally, will make you feel shitty about yourself.

Huge empathy from me. Ive supported DH through going NC with a close family member and i know it's not as simple as "just go NC" but honestly, the peace it brinhs when the dust has settled...

Good luck to you. This is not an easy situation. I hope you can find a way forward that you can live with.

Sorry for all typos. Have poorly DD atm so sleep is something of a rarity and my brain and fingers are not communicating fully.

Thank you for your kind words. No worries, I understood what you were saying. Hope your DD gets well soon! Maybe you are right. Maybe I need to do something now rather than waiting for something that may not give me the closure i’m looking for. Going NC seems so daunting but I guess doing some reading about my situation would be a good first step.

can highly recommend Parents; Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life [[https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0553814826/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_Q-l4BbV4929K?tag=mumsnetforum-211]]
It was like a light went on for DH when he read it. Ive seen lots of support on mn stately homes thread too. Be kind to yourself. You're grieving the mum you've never had and that's just as painful

Sosad18 I'm sorry you feel so unhappy.

Could you see a counsellor to move on?

Good luck.

I hate to admit it, but sometimes I've felt the same. My mother tales out all her fears and stresses on us Is is sometimes horrid. I do love her and don't want to lose her but sometimes I resent all the demands. I found this article recently and it really resonated. You're not a bad person and you're not alone x

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/just-listen/201208/death-wish-dealing-negative-high-maintenance-aging-parent-0

One thing that's absolutely certain is you don't need to be feeling ashamed.

I appreciate that's easy to say - shame has such a vice-like grip it's hard to think clearly. Do read up about toxic parents, it will really make sense.

I'm waiting for my brute of a father to die. Actually, I'm waiting for them both to piss off so the drama ends.

It is what it is.

I disliked my cold, uncommunicative father intensely. When I was 15 I told him to get out, and threw his mattress down the stairs. He didn't go. When I was 18 I left home to go to college and never went back. About ten years later I heard he'd died. A sad story, but true.

I promise you that you aren't the only one who feels like that.

My first feeling when my mum died was relief, I didn’t feel guilty for a second because of the way she had behaved towards me. However that was 10 years ago and relief turned to anger which I found horrible to deal with.
So I went for some counselling, I only had 3 sessions but the counsellor managed to turn my anger off and now I actually feel very sorry for my mother and that is a huge weight off my shoulders.

Would you consider counselling? Find one who specialises in childhood issues. I wish I’d gone years ago!

Thank you for your replies. It helps knowing I’m not the only one that feels this way. I did have some counselling many years ago around childhood issues but it wasn’t that helpful. But it may be something worth looking into again.

The linked article was really interesting. It mentioned becoming almost obsessed with the parent dying and I feel that’s what I’m slipping in to. I think about it a lot! I think that’s really why I posted as it’s gone from being a fleeting thought to something I’m actively wishing for. Also as my mums become older she’s become even more nasty and selfish and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to keep it all inside. I’m definitely going to take a look at that book.

I think one of the difficult things has been the feeling that I’m abnormal in some way to feel as I do. My friends losing their mums has also made me think a lot more about it. But, as I say, I can hardly say to a friend who’s mourning their own mother “I can’t wait until mine goes”. It wouldn’t exactly be a sensitive thing to say! So of course I’m holding it all inside which means it’s eating away at me. In that regard I can see where counselling could help. Even just being able to say the words out loud to someone I think would give me some relief.

You are not abnormal to feel as you do. You really aren't.

I will see my mum dying as a release and I know that’s not normal
I think it is a perfectly normal response to your situation
lots of people will feel this way but they just don't speak out because it's a truth which is not often acknowledged

You’re going to feel negatively because you feel hurt and let down by her. Until you reach the stage where you have no expectations from her and have reached ambivalence then that will continue.

I’ve lost all hope with my DM and have fully accepted how she is. Yes, I wish things could have been different but I can only shrug my shoulders now thanks to that acceptance.

I’m afraid I can’t offer any tips on how I got there. It just evolved over the years so it doesn’t matter if she’s alive or dead, other than the impact it’ll have on my dad and step mum sho are friends with her.

I agree that letting go of expectations and just accepting the way things are is important

"I’m not even sure why I maintain any sort of relationship with her".

Its probably because of your own fear, obligation and guilt; three damaging legacies in their own right that she has left you. No need whatsoever to feel ashamed of how you feel.

Do read the books and links recommended to you by others; they will help.

Another one saying you're not on your own in your feelings towards your DM. My DF wasn't a very good DF but he wouldn't hurt a fly, developed dementia relatively young and passed away several years later. My 'D'M was physically abusive up until I was 16, verbally until I went NC 2 years ago. She's a nasty piece of work who's likely to live to 100 whilst my DF passed away at 72.

My only consolation is that she tells everyone she's had a shit life and everyone has dumped on her one way or another (always the victim, nothing is her fault) so I'm hoping that the rest of her life pans out the same.

My life is so much better without her in it and I don't give her that much headspace nowadays.

I felt very odd when my mother died and was quite angry for a while but after a few weeks, I was left with a feeling of relief.

I'd already cut contact with her but I did bump into her occasionally which I always found hard.

If you decide to cut contact now, don't feel bad for that. You have no obligation towards your mother.

I will see my mum dying as a release and I know that’s not normal

I agree with PPs that, in your circumstances, it's very normal; why on earth wouldn't you feel that way over someone like this?

The hospital called me in when my hideously abusive father died and I wondered if I'd feel something - anything - seeing him that one last time. But there was nothing; all I saw was a dead body which had little to do with me and all I felt was a dawning relief that he'd never hurt me again

Believe me you can get over this, but IME the key is allowing yourself to do so instead of hanging on to pointless guilt and feelings of "what if"

I was left with a feeling of relief
Many years ago now my mother disowned me, she said you are dead to me, after the initial shock I felt an immense immense relief

Maybe I need to do something now rather than waiting for something that may not give me the closure i’m looking for.

You sound very self-aware and I think you're giving yourself a bit of a hard time here, because we're 'supposed' to love our parents etc. But it doesn't sound as if she has shown you much love.

Don't beat yourself up, but do explore the links and books others have mentioned. I've had a very up and down relationship with my Mother over the past 20 years and still feel like it's a double-edged sword a lot of the time.

Just you actively seeking help and opening up on here is a good thing. Be nice to yourself.

You are not unusual. I have experienced the relief and release you think of.
I was told a few days before death... 'I love you'. I had waited all my life for that, but before that just a 'sorry' would have meant the world too. I sobbed.

So sad, such a waste of years, so many happy times missed.

Sosad18 you aren't terrible, and shouldn't feel guilt
I feel the same way about my dad. I've gone NC now, which has helped a lot, but I still have a lot of feelings to process, I know. I wish he'd die, to be honest. It sounds terrible, written out, but he was never anything but a source of emotional pain to me, in the past and now, and when he dies I'll receive a small inheritance that I could either put in trust for my DC, or use to enrich their lives, the way that he never enriched mine (while off living it up, rich and carefree with the OW, while my siblings and I lived on the breadline.) It's callous of me, I know, but honestly he's given me no reason to feel any other way.
I'm so sorry for the way you feel, and the guilt you feel, but you're not abnormal
Thanks for the opportunity to vent a little myself.

Well since writing my OP I've had another message about another friends mum who has passed away! I am getting older so I guess this will be a frequent thing now. Thank you for the support everyone and, whilst it has reassured me, it is sad that so many of us are in this situation. Its such a shame as my mum could have been entering her elder years with a loving family around her and instead she's on her own. Even my DCs don't really like her (which is totally on her, she's never shown an interest in them). This thread has made me feel a bit better so thank you for listening! And I am going to read that book.