Has anyone had a relationship where the spark developed in time?

[updatesfromtully]

All my relationships have been exciting for the highs and lows (if you like that sort of thing) and they've all ended because only dickheads give you highs and lows.

I've met a nice man. We can talk non-stop, we enjoy the same sorts of things, sex is good, he has a good relationship with his family and wants his own family.

I'm not madly into it because it is so...easy. That sounds terrible, I know, and also shows what a headcase i am i suppose. He calls when he says he will, he's funny, good job and most important of all he is kind.

I could never admit this IRL but the sad truth is that if he was less interested in me, I would be VERY into this man. Previous relationships have always been very intense from the off and had some sort of hurdle to get over - one was in a relationship when we met (nothing happened prior to him ending it before i am flamed), one lived 400 miles away, the other was not at all into the idea of settling down due to childhood trauma and i went above and beyond trying to show him what a stable home with me would look like (and enjoyed this - cooking him nice dinners every night etc etc).

There's no hurdle with this man, he's just great. I don't look at him and fancy the pants off him but then i never do with anyone until i really know them. what i know for sure is that i am panicking that this isn't right because there's no struggle, no heroic moment where it all comes together. it just is and it is calm.

before anyone suggests i am not into him, i really am. but i would be more into him if some of the drama of my previous relationships was present. im scared to relax into it and be vulnerable, but i find that easy to do if there's some big cause to be vulnerable or some big reason to have to let go. not sure any of this makes sense :(

Give it time and see what develops. You don’t have to decide anything right now other than you want to enjoy each other’s company for the moment. If it’s right, you’ll know it.

I met exactly one of these kinds of guys after years of cheaters and just general arseholes. It was a bit boring to start because exactly what you said, it was just so easy without all the drama. I was sure it would be short lived. It took 6 months to even call him my boyfriend even though we saw each other probably 5 nights a week. I waited a long time to figure out what the ‘catch’ was, what awful red flag I must have been overlooking. Turns out there wasn’t one! And 10+ years later, still haven’t found one. We’re married with two dc now and it’s wonderful and I don’t miss the drama one bit. If it’s meant to be, you’ll realise it, but if he’s a good one, hold on to him.

minutopia - that sounds just like my situation, except we only see each other at weekends at the moment as i want to take it slowly!

im always looking for the red flag!! we have only been dating 3 months but i am really ok not seeing him in the week as we speak every night and it is lovely. usually i would be desperate to see someone all the time and that worries me, but actually now i think about it i would be sad if i stopped seeing him, so i think he just makes me feel secure and i can say no to something and know no drama will come of it.

minutopia when did you feel properly strong feelings?

Sometimes you do win the lottery.

The need you feel for drama is something that has probably served you as a defense against intimacy because you knew on some levels that dickheads would provide it and that things would eventually crash and burn in a spectacular fashion.

Can you work through this on your own or do you think you'd do better if you could talk this through with a counselor or therapist of some sort? Good men like this are quite a rare find. Don't lose him over your own history of doomed relationships.

My ex was a complete dickhead. Then I met a guy just like yours. We've been married 21 years and he's still just as great as the day I met him.

When I met my now DH I would never ever have thought we would end up married. He is younger, I thought that meant immature, I had ex h and 3 kids he lived at home with parents had no kids. He had no dramas, no crazy lifestyle , never let me down. He was fun to be with, made me laugh , treated me right without being ott and very slowly I fell for him. And now 15 years later we are happily married with Ds. So take your time, don’t analyse why you get on or where it’s going just enjoy each other’s company and see what happens !

these posts are so interesting and i missconduct i totally agree with it being a defence against intimacy. im actually scared of being close with this man because i cant see how it would end. how fucked up is that :( i really do want a family and a husband etc so i dont want to keep messing things up. who knows if this man is the right one, but i would rather give it a good go than ruin it.

sometimes when i am with him i think "is this it" - and not because he is not enough but because it is so easy. i have no work to do on it, it is just is. he wants to go away for a weekend and i just thought how can i spend a full calm weekend with him...the thought terrifies me. if i knew we would go away and i would find out he was moving to the other end of the country for work i would feel like we had a project to work on together while away - a reason to enjoy the weekend.

im a mess arent i

But I'm guessing all the other 'heroic' episodes/relationships have left you single (hence having new man) so whilst they were good in one way they did not satisfy you entirely

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got"

Maybe this time you'll get something you never have before - what is it you want long term?

Crossed posts!

You need to look at your 'project' another way - rather than looking outward at him, as you've always done, this time your project is you.

How about the project becomes getting to know him and getting a good seeing to sharing a nice weekend together?

yes, a different project is what i need!

why do i find it so scary. i would be far less scared if i knew he had some problem he wanted to discuss with me or if there was something in the way of the relationship developing. the idea of it just being calm and happy is so unsettling and i dont know why :( i think i see it as being boring - how will i know he wants me and i want him if we havent overcome something? i think it is that maybe

I tried to set up DP with someone else for a month before we got together, I also thought can this be love when the passion isn't so all consuming.
Together 5 years and he's more handsome every day.

Yes I know exactly how you feel I’ve finally ended up with a nice guy after all of my relationships being high/low and full of drama.

I knew I liked him and had a great time with him in the beginning but it felt like something was missing. I then started to feel guilty when he said he loved me or missed me as I wasn’t sure if I felt the same and i felt horrible . I decided to continue as we got on perfectly, laughed so much and had an amazing sex life. It has been almost a year now and I would say my emotions and heart have finally caught up in the last month or so and I do truly love and care for him now. The guilt in the beginning was horrible though but I’m so glad I did persevere with it.

My guards are nearrlyyy fully down now and I don’t want to run a mile and hide when he brings up the future or says nice things... which is massive progress 😂.

I hope it all works out for you and I think aslong as there is something there it is worth persuing as it may well be a slow burner and everything will catch up 😊

steppingout that is exactly how i feel in terms of the guilt. he is SO attentive and i barely give the same back as i am on the look out for a red flag. i feel guilty when he says he misses me because although i enjoy his company, i dont miss him in the all consuming way. i am just as happy on my own. this makes me wonder if this is actually not a relationship worth pursuing, but then in the past i have only ever pursued relationships with unsuitable men, so i do need to change something in my approach and maybe giving this more time is a good idea.

I am in the same boat - been dating a great guy for 3 months from OLD. Loved spending time with him - treated me like a queen but I felt like something was missing. Why wasn't I desperate to see him at the weekend if I had seen him all week. Wasn't sure if it was because I was used to being on my own (nearly 5 years) or that the spark was missing. Just felt too guilty when he said he missed me and loved me so I ended it last week  might be the biggest mistake I've ever make.