New baby... new relationship strains

[YorkshireMa]

Just wanted to see what other people's relationships were like after having a new baby... my partner and I have been together for 6 years we have always been so happy and close, we have lived our lives doing what we like when we like... since we have recently had our first child our relationship has been tested and pushed us to the limits, we are feeling like we are having to live our lives now around everyone else as family have been getting upset they are not seeing our daughter as much as they would like.. she is only 10 weeks old and we are trying our best to see people as much as we can, we take our daughter to see all her grandparents at least twice a week and everyone else it's when we can.. we are finding it hard to find the time to see everyone as much as we would like to but this is causing family arguments as people do not understand we are still a young couple and also need us time and time to still go see our friends what is everyone else's family lifestyle like after having children? Do you find family change towards you?? Both me and my partner are struggling to keep up to taking our daughter to visit all our family aswell as still enjoying our own new little family life, this is causing so much stress on us both as we are wanting to keep everyone happy but the only ones who are suffering now is us, we have been pushed apart for everyone else's sake.

It sounds as you are approaching it as ‘a team’ so problem is between you two as a unit and your family..? As long as two of you are on the same page/want same things, the rest should settle in my opinion as time goes

Very often with young children, it is the martial relationship that struggles - due to a new set up/ responsibilities split / compromises that are needed

Your families should not be pressurising you like this. It's ok to say no. If they try to emotionally blackmail you, you could try the "broken record" approach and keep repeating that you're sorry they feel that way but the answer is still no. Then tell them when you are happy to go and see them, on your own terms.

Twice a week? That's a lot. Set boundaries what would work for you. It's your lives and you have the daily responsibility of taking care of a new born, they do not. They should stop whining and putting so much pressure on you.

Bless you that sounds quite hectic. Maybe you need to start up a more formal arrangement with families? What you're doing is obviously not sustainable so you need to be a bit strategic.

I am close to my siblings (who have DC) and cousin (brought up like a sister for some time). We always have a date in the diary to look forward to but I wouldn't dream of encroaching on them twice a week! We tend to "kill 2 birds with 1 stone" by all meeting up rather than lots of trips to see one lot of people at a time. That way the kids all get to play too (well not now, some are tiny, but in the future).

I think it will get easier as DC gets older as, as long as you trust them, you can start swapping a visit for babysitting (and you can spend time together). But that is a little while off unfortunately....

Have you told your families that you need more time at home and are getting tired? Are they likely to be defensive about that?

My partners parents are seeming quite sensitive and if we don't see them twice a week they seem to be upset and there is an awkward tension in the atmosphere when we do visit.. we are scared that this is our life now... us having to constantly visit relatives to give them there "time" with our daughter. I understand that everyone loves her and just wants to see her but It's become more of a strain as we have people coming out of woodwork who never even bothered with us before and are now expecting us to see them much more often.. my partner works 6am-5pm Monday-Friday and Saturday mornings so we hardly get time together as a family as it is nevermind after going around family each week thankfully we are now reading from the same page and we are realising that we are living our lives to please others not us and our daughter. Also I am still very anxious about leaving our daughter with people just yet but I feel pressured into letting family babysit just to stop any upset. We are trying to work as a team from now on and I agree we need to be more realistic with time.

Don't let anyone separate you from your baby if you don't want to be. No is a perfectly polite response.

Your partners parents are responsible for their own emotions. You are not upsetting them. They are upsetting themselves. Don't feel pressurised into seeing them more than you want to.

You need to set some clear boundaries NOW.

Juts tell them they are welcome to come and visit YOU. Don't keeping dragging a small baby around the houses all winter.

You do not have to leave her with ANYONE, that is totally up to you but you do need to speak up and state quite clearly that as her parents, you and ONLY YOU will be deciding when to leave her. 10 weeks is far too young.

Stop being a doormat, basically. Congratulations on your DD.

They should be coming to visit YOU and helping you with chores while they are at it. They should also be putting the needs of your small baby first - what she needs more than anything is time snuggled up feeding or playing with a relaxed, non stressed mum (and dad). What she doesn’t need is a packed schedule of visiting where she is passed around like a parcel. As for leaving her - only when you’re ready. 10 weeks is very very young.

I would seriously stop doing all the visiting you are doing, my parents and my partners come to us to visit. I say you are welcome just let us know you are planning on coming over to check we dont have plans which is on a rare occasion anyway. Only people i will take our son too are great grandparents who obviously are much older and thats once every 2/3 weeks they are fine with this. I will take him to our parents other family but if it suits me and DP if not they come here. Our son is 3 months old now, We have time in the evenings together after our son goes down for the night sometimes an hour before we go to bed our selves so we cherish that hour. When hes home we always have a kiss and cuddle whenever we can and are loving towards each other. It would make me crazy if i was made to feel like i had to do all the visiting you are doing they should visit you, all that time you are visiting others to make them happy you and your DP could be spending some much quality time together, its a strain on relationships having a baby and you need time together.