Don't know what to do

[depresseddad]

Hi all

First ever post, and also a dad not a mum. Sorry if this is inappropriate to post here, but I need help.

Married, I thought happily, for some time, two beautiful children.

DW has changed in the last few months. Seems to hate me, disagree with me on everything and keeps picking fights with children (both under 10).

I have long term depression, probably bought on originally through supporting her though depression and helping her to retrain for a new career which she had always wanted.

I've always done everything I can for her, but she doesn't do the same back - ever. Is always making nasty comments about my private parts (even in front of other people), doesn't want to be intimate with me.

I've given up everything, all my friends and activities, to be with her. Where she is happy to go away for boozy events weekends which are weekends away with her friends. Just feel so alone. Don't know what to do. If I try to talk to her about how I few she blames me. Flies into a temper with me then gives me the silent treatment for weeks.

It's so bad at the moment I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I envy people who are on the news who have died.

Sorry. Self indulgent rubbish.

She is treating you appallingly, I'm sorry that you're going through this. The fact that she is also picking fights with your children is terrible.
Do you feel that your relationship is worth working for, it doesn't sound like she cares much.
In regards to envying people who have died, please speak to somebody about this, life is worth living, you have lovely children and a lot of people would be in pain if anything happened to you.

So she is abusive to both you and your children. You need to get you and the DC away from her.What is your housing and work situation? Do you have access to your own money?

She sounds awful. How dare she be so rude about you. She's definitely abusive to both you and you dc.

It's such a toxic situation your in. Have you anyone in real life to talk to about this.

You're in an abusive relationship. I'm sorry op

It may also help you to look into codependency. Not that it's your fault! But that abusers often seek out people with codependency issues.

I really do understand wanting to die and being envious of others who have died. But it does mean you're not at all well. What's your relationship like with your GP? Any good?

Keep talking to us lovely xx

Thank you all.

I don't think she sees it as abusive. I don't think it's intentional if it is.

Unfortunately I don't have anyone to talk to about any of this. Only my wife. And she will go into attack mode if I bring it up.

I love her and want us to be happy.

Mate, you can't love someone who treats you this way. I'm sorry, but you really can't. It's not love. And I say that to women who say the things you do. You've become dependant, or your scared of being on your own, but seriously, you don't love her. She's not the person you did truly once love.

Let's assume you had a sister, and her husband was treating her in the way you're being treated? What would you say to your sister? You'd not stand for her being abused by her husband and you'd encourage very strongly her to leave her husband and take the children, wouldn't you?

It's no different.

I've given up everything, all my friends and activities, to be with her
WHY????
Never ever do this.
Can you re-instate this or did you move away?
If so, then join a club or a gym or a hobby you enjoy.
She is abusive and you should not be putting up with this.
It's no way to live for you or your DC.
Please look at ways to get away.
Mankind might be able to help you. website

I say you need to go to couples counceling.

Maybe there are issues that you are unable to talk about together and a good councelor could help you talk and understand each other.

How is your depression, is it under controll? Could your wife be resentfull over your depression and taking it out like this? Is she tired and over worked and just lashing out because of that?

@Aloha How would couples counselling help this woman stop picking fights with her two young children?

I think there is a reason why she is picking fights, there is some underlying reason for this.
I am not proud to admit but when I was under super stress, I would easily yell at my kids, just because I was so stressed, so tired, so unhappy, so not in my right mind.

Couples counselling is not recommended for people in abusive relationships.

Which this sounds like.

OP you can’t fix her she sounds horrifically abusive, you need to leave her with your dc. Get legal advice first of all and go from there.

Couples counselling is not recommended for people in abusive relationships

Really, why?

Can only assume you're fairly new, here, @Aloha - had you been on the relationships board for a while, you'd have been up to speed with that. Someone will hopefully be along to explain shortly.

Yes, very new here, only a few days in :)

Im having marriage issues myself so came here looking for advice and keep saying people should leave their spouses, when im a firm believer in doing everything possible to resolve issues and stay together - and be happy together!

Thanks all

Still unsure what is best.

I could leave, I own the house and earn 90% of our money. I'd struggle to look after the children thigh as I work long hours and wood need to continue to earn. Also, I don't really want to leave her. I want things to be right instead.

Suggested counselling, but it wasn't taken well.

Suggested counselling, but it wasn't taken well
This shows you how interested she is in sorting this out!
i.e. NOT AT ALL!!!!
I think she needs to understand that you are at the point of leaving.
She will panic and may engage.
But while you are there, being a doormat and letting her abuse you, she won't change.
Why would she?
This is working for her.
You need to take some action.
This is not OK and no way to live!

Hey, OP.

Inagree with the others I'm afraid.

Have you read the pinned post at the top of the relationships board?

This is an abusive relationship - a lot of abusers don't intend to be. It can be learned behaviours; stress; unhappiness; fear; a means of reducing anxiety... none of which makes it ok.

If she won't even consider counselling (although I also agree that it's not advised in abusive relationships anyway) or talk to you then there is little you can do to improve the current situation.

YOU want it to work, YOU want things to be better but I'm sorry OP she does not.

Want more can you possibly give? A relationship doesn't work when only one person is trying. It takes two and should be equal. Listen to what she is saying to you, she isn't interested in fixing this relationship. You can't do it alone.

It's concerning to hear you say how you feel. Please go and seek some help and support. Your life is worth living and your circumstances are clearly making you feel this way.
It is not healthy for you or your children.

Your wife may be suffering from depression or stress which could explain her moods/actions but I'd be pretty annoyed if she found enjoyment with her friends and not within her own family. But ultimately if she is suffering MH issues, it is only down to her to seek help for that, you can only advice and support it.

Do you want to live your life like this forever? I'd be mortified if anyone treated my children badly let alone their own parent.

Forgot to add.

I agree with PP, this does sound abusive regardless of MH issues.